When the bell rang I came out of class and headed straight for my locker. I hadn’t made it out of the first hall when Katie came barreling towards me.
“Hey Shine, what are you doing? Where are you going?” She was a loaded gun, totally unlike herself. And of course she knows that I am not up for small talk, like ever.
“Why are you acting like a raving lunatic? I am getting my books and going to the library. Now, if you will excuse me.”
“No wait,” She grabbed my wrist and I immediately yanked it back. I can’t believe she just touched me. What part of leave me the hell alone does she not get? I took two steps back trying to calm myself down and braced myself against someone else’s locker.
“I am so sorry, Shine. I was just trying to save you from seeing them. I didn’t mean to startle you. I really am sorry.” She was sincere. I know she didn’t mean it. Wait, who?
“Who was I not supposed to see?”
She looked at me through her hooded lashes and I could see the fear in them. She stepped aside and looked behind her. I followed her gaze to where Moon was standing with Melody. Her back was against the wall and he had both of his hands placed on either side of the wall beside her head. He was leaned down whispering in her ear. It was a little stunning. It didn’t bother me that much until I saw that her hands were placed behind his back. That stupid fucker was with that slut. I shook my head and looked back at Katie. She mouthed the words sorry again and I took off. My breaths were short and I was fighting with my chest to make it stop. The panic attack was coming full force and I needed to get out of there. I ran down the hall and out the double doors to the school parking lot. The pills were in my console and I desperately needed them to be able to survive this. How could he do this? I wanted him to move on and be happy, but why her? My breathing was shallower and I was scared with every step that I might pass out. Finally, when I reached the car I swallowed two pills and locked myself inside. No one would get to me in here, I hoped.
It seems lately that my car is my only sanctuary. It’s the place where I can hide and no one will get to me. I can lock the doors and hold the keys in my hand and stay until I felt better. That was my intentions once I took the pills. Resting my head on the steering wheel, I already felt better. Sometimes just knowing I took the pills helps. Removing myself from the situation seems to be the best way to deal with things. I closed my eyes and waited for the pills to kick in and let me take flight. Once the feeling of numbness set in, it was the best feeling ever.
12
AND A HALF
Moon
What the hell did I do? Why would I stoop so damn low? She took off running and I wanted to go after her. I knew where she was going, the same place that she always goes; to her car. I am not sure why, but when she runs that is always the place she can be found. Many times she has jetted from situations here at school and each time I go in search that’s always the place she winds up.
Katie grabbed my shirt just as I was about to pass her in the hallway. She spoke to me and I listened. I was shocked because little Katie barely speaks to me, or anyone. If she wasn’t on the cheerleading squad I wouldn’t think that this girl even had a voice.
“I can’t believe that you did that. You know how she feels about Melody. I mean God Moon, everybody knows how she feels about her. You had better fix it. I saw the look in her eyes and,” she cupped her hands over her mouth and nose. I guess I am not the only one who sees how fragile she is.
“I’ll fix it. I will.” I pulled Katie in under my arm for a hug. She looked like she was about one step from being the broken mess that I was. When she looked up into my eyes I could tell that she understood. “I’m going to get my girl.”
13
Shine
I am not exactly sure how many hours I have been out here in this parking lot. Everybody has already gone home from school, and even the after school activities have all gone home. I texted mom a while back and told her that I had made it home and would call her later. Lie. Lie. Lie.
Even though my breathing improved and I finally felt like my chest wasn’t caving in, I still didn’t feel right so I took two more pills. I was well past my limit, but the more I take the better I feel. This was easy. The feeling of floating made me think of how easy it would be to just take the whole bottle. Just let the sleep consume me and not burden anymore people with my problems. No one would have to worry about me anymore. I wouldn’t have to fight with myself everyday to breathe or to think or to even feel. This had to be the best plan ever. I could do this. I could just disappear from it all. No more pain for me and no more pain for anyone else. The only thing I hope is that Moon will not end up with Melody. Is that horrible of me? Hell yes it’s horrible, but if I can’t have him then I don’t want that bitch to either. Ahahaha… O hell. I was laughing at myself now. These pills were kicking in and I needed to get home before I wouldn’t be able to drive. If I was ending things tonight then I certainly wasn’t doing it here at school.