I got into first period before anyone and found a seat in the back row, closest to the door. I wanted to know where I could run if I needed to. There was only one person I would have to worry about seeing in this class and it was Katie. Out of everyone on the squad, she and I were the closest. I know that she would be genuinely concerned about me, but it doesn’t make it any easier to talk about. If I have to pick one person to talk to today it would be her.
I hunched down into my seat, and watched as everyone came into the room. Slowly the class began to fill up and I just thanked my lucky stars that I took a happy pill. I know that without it I wouldn’t last five minutes in this hell.
The glares that I was getting weren’t nearly as bad as the snickers heard all around the room. I knew they were talking about me and I tried not to make eye contact. I closed my eyes for just a moment hoping that I could get away. A hand brushed against my arm causing me too jump. I opened my eyes to see Katie standing next to me. Her eyes had a look of concern.
“Glad your back, Shine.”
“I’d be lying if I said I was glad to be back.” I didn’t even attempt to smile. What’s the use?
“Whether you want to be here or not,” she whispered, “I am still glad. It may not seem like much now, but for what it’s worth, I care. I tried to come and visit once, but your mom said that you didn’t want to see anybody. I understood. I just missed you, and I was worried. If or when you need someone, I’m here.” She gave me a slight wave and started to walk away.
“Katie, wait.” I turned to speak directly to her. “I may not show it now or possibly ever, and no one in this whole fucked up world may ever understand, but thanks. I truly mean it.” The tears were on the brink of spilling out, but somehow I kept them back. She didn’t. Her tears fell freely down her face and I wasn’t able to look at her anymore. At least she knew. I turned around in my seat and faced forward. Back to my main focus; just get through this day.
After the bell rang, I stayed after class to get my missing assignments. I was thinking maybe I could bury myself waist deep in homework. Surely that would be a good distraction. Turns out in this class I hadn’t missed much. Homework wasn’t the real reason I stayed after. I was seriously just prolonging the inevitable, second period and Moon. I know right.
Breathing deeply and putting one foot in front of the other, I stepped out into the hall. I bypassed my locker all together and went straight to second. The bell rang about two seconds after I walked into class, and I immediately realized that I should have come earlier. The class was already full, and guess who saved me a seat.
I scanned the room once and the feeling made me sick. People were staring at me like I had a disease. My feet felt glued to the floor. As bad as I wanted to move them and take my seat, I struggled. Finally, when my feet no longer resisted I made my way to the far corner where Moon was waiting. The people talking bothered me so badly and I so desperately wanted to yell, and tell them all to shut the hell up. I’m not even sure why they were talking about me to begin with. It was just a car accident. Yes someone died, but they act like the entire thing was my fault. That I had some sort of control over the situation.
Quickly sitting down, I tried my best not to make any kind of eye contact with Moon. I knew all too well that his eyes were settled on me. The emotions were crashing into me so hard that I wasn’t sure I would be able to hang on much longer. Surely mom wouldn’t punish me for leaving early. It’s only my first day back, she can’t expect too much too soon.
I tapped my ink pen on my desk lightly, but even the constant beating sound wouldn’t help me breathe any better. The panic attack was starting. First there was a humming in my ears, which was never a good sign. Then I felt the tingling sensation all over my whole body. My heart was racing so fast that I felt like it could beat out of my chest. That feeling that you are about to die takes over in your brain and there is nothing you can do. You just hope that it consumes you quickly and without fail. Once the tunnel vision set in, it was all that I could do to breathe on my own. I remember the doctor telling me once that only I could make these feelings go away. He told me that I could control my panic attacks, but when you are so deep into one it is hard to believe that.
I was trying everything I could think of to snap out of it. I could hear what sounded like Moon’s voice talking, but it was a jumbled mess. It sounded more like a humming noise than actual words. I put my head onto the desk and closed my eyes tightly. Please, just go away.
9
Moon
When she walked into the classroom my first thought was that I couldn’t believe that she was here. I saw her car in the parking lot and saved her a seat, but I truly thought that maybe I was crazy. It sure seems that way lately. She looked lost and scared, but she was still the most beautiful thing in the room. Her long brown hair was straight and hung down the sides of her face. It looked like she was hiding behind it. I could hear people laughing around the room. I know one thing. I better not hear one single bad word spoken about her, or I swear that I will beat somebody’s ass.