Mom also said that Moon stayed in the waiting room all day, every day. He would not go home. I told both mom and dad that I don’t want to see him. I pleaded with them to make sure that they kept him away. They both argued with me, but in the end I won. I never told them why and I never will. I am unsure how the days will play out from here, but for now, I don’t want to see him. My face has not healed. The black rings around my eyes and my sunken features make me look like some hooker on crack. Healed or not, my heart and soul are both shattered into a million pieces. I am not certain that they’ll ever be whole again.
As the days passed, I stay confined to my bedroom. I only come out to eat and use the restroom, and I barely eat so you can imagine how many times I step foot outside the door. I ripped every picture off of my wall that first day back. There wasn’t a single picture hanging that didn’t have Moon in them. It hurts so bad to look at him even though I love him with all of my heart. Mom swears that if I talk to someone about what happened that I’ll feel better. Not gonna happen, she can talk until she is blue in the face. I don’t need to pay someone to tell me that I will overcome all obstacles if I just believe and blah, blah, blah.
The knock on my bedroom door lets me know that I am still among the land of the living, regardless if I want to be there or not. “What,” I answered.
“Honey, it’s mom, can I come in?” She asked and I groaned. Pretty sure that my eyes will soon get stuck behind my lids if I keep rolling them, but ask me if I care. She of course didn’t wait for me to answer she just walked right in, finding me in the same place she’d left me three hours ago. “Time to get up, don’t you think? It is such a pretty day. I was thinking maybe the two of us could have a girl’s day. I bet some nice sunshine would do you good.”
“I’m fine right here.” I looked away from her towards the window, hoping that she would take the hint that I don’t want company. I just wanted to be left alone.
“You’ve said that all week. If you were fine you wouldn’t be moping around in this house all day. Don’t you want to get out of this house for a while?”
“No, I told you that I am good right here.”
“How about we try talking about the accident then? Once you get it all off your chest I am sure that you will be good to go.” She sat down next to me on the bed.
“Mom, I have told you time and time again, that I don’t want to talk about that day ever again. Not as long as I live.” My voice was raised even though I was trying to stay calm. She just wouldn’t let up. She’s asked me every single day if I want to talk about it, and each time I tell her no, but obviously no to her means just ask me again tomorrow because I will certainly change my mind.
“Listen to me Shine. Your father and I are just worried about you. You’re barely eating and you sleep all the time, and you have shut out the one person whom you love most in this world. This is not you, Honey. I don’t know if this is some kind of post traumatic stress issue from the wreck or what. You are not any better mentally than the day that I brought you home. In fact, I think you’re worse. Your father and I talked about some things this morning. We feel like you are going to have to start getting out and getting your life back to normal or we are going to schedule you an appointment with a therapist.”
I am sure that the look on my face is priceless. “I can’t believe that you guys are acting like this, after all that I have been through. This is not just something that you wake up and get over. It takes time.” I was practically yelling at this point and of course the tears were pouring from my eyes. It never fails. My tear ducts are attached to my emotions.
“I know that you think that we are just trying to be mean, but I can assure you baby that it’s not our intention. We love you so much, and we just want you to get better.” I could not look at her. “I will give you some time to think about things. I wrapped your supper up and put it in the fridge just in case you get hungry, and we will be downstairs watching TV if you want to talk.” She didn’t wait for me to answer. She just walked out. It’s not like I would’ve have said anything anyway.
I only cried for a few more minutes. I just wanted to get everything off my mind, to just think about someone else for a minute. Being pissed off at mom and dad helped a little, because I was actually feeling something besides emptiness. If I was being honest with myself, then I would admit that the one person I always think about when I let my walls down is Moon. He must feel like I have completely let him down and that I am the world’s worst best friend. I would agree, but I can’t love someone with all my heart when my heart is shattered and I don’t even love myself.