He lifted his eyes to mine. “You prayed?”
I slowly nodded. “To God and Buddha and a couple others. I figured I’d cover every base with Team Divinity.”
“What am I going to do with you?”
I gave him the same answer from yesterday. “Make love to me.”
THE THING ABOUT amazing sex was it could make you forget your name and lower your IQ temporarily, even make you forget, momentarily, about impending doom. If the zombie apocalypse ever happened, I would be the one having sex to distract me from reanimated corpses, not running through dangerous woods or venturing out of my bunker.
Sadly, after our morning in bed, in the shower, and again in the kitchen, we had to address the elephant in the room. The imaginary elephant. We didn’t bring one with us from Mole. Sadly.
Standing at his kitchen island, making lunch with CNN on in the background, he brought up the inevitable.
“As you know, I’m leaving on Thursday for Kenya.”
“Shh. Don’t remind me.”
He bumped my hip with his. Or given our height difference, he bumped my waist.
“I’m leaving, Selah. That hasn’t changed.”
Sighing, I jumped up to sit on the counter. “Okay, if you insist. Kenya. Thursday.”
“Yes, and after there, I need to fly to Chicago for Thanksgiving with Cibele. Anita goes overboard with the meal. It’s her favorite holiday, surprisingly.”
“Should I be jealous you’re spending the holiday with your ex-wife?”
He shot me a dirty look. “No. If it weren’t for my ex-wife, we wouldn’t be together.”
“True.” I stole a piece of chopped pepper from his pile. “I should send her a card. Or a basket of cookies as a thank you.”
“I’ll let her know.”
“Why do you think she told me to call you? I mean, other than I’m super-hot and smart, and had location desirability.”
He slapped my hand away from another pepper piece. I dodged him and tossed it in my mouth.
“She hated to see me alone.”
“You had women fawning over you at the auction reception. How alone could you have been?”
“I didn’t lack for company, but I was lonely.” He held a pepper up for me to bite.
I frowned, imagining him always traveling alone. “It’s weird she wanted to play matchmaker, though.”
“Are you complaining?”
“No.” I swiped another pepper.
“If you don’t stop stealing food, there’ll be nothing to eat for lunch.”
“Fine.” I grinned at him.
He rolled his eyes. “You’re focused on the past again.”
“I am?”
“Yes, trying to figure out the whys and hows of us together instead of facing the future.”
“Okay, true. Thanksgiving brings us to three weeks. Then what?”
“That’s up to you. When are you scheduled to fly home?”
“Second week of December.”
“You could change your flight and come to Amsterdam.”
“I promised my family I’d be in California for Christmas. They’ve been giving me grief over email about my sabbatical and being away for six months, especially my brothers and their spawn.”
“Hmmm,” he said.
“Hmmm?”
“I promised Cibele Christmas in Amsterdam this year.”
“You want me to meet your daughter?”
“Of course. She’d love you. And you both love Robert Smith.” He winked at me.
I blushed over my stupid Robert Smith lookalike story. “Why did I tell you such a ridiculous sad sack story?”
“You were emotionally open and vulnerable.” He kissed the tip of my nose.
“Right. Remind me not to do that again.”
“Never. I love your soft side.” His hand moved near my middle.
“Do not poke the belly!” I squirmed away from him.
Laughing, he held up his hands in surrender. “So ticklish.”
“I’m thinking Christmas sounds complicated. Where will you be in January?”
He wrinkled his forehead. “I’m not sure.”
“You don’t know where you’ll be in two months?”
He shook his head. “Nature of my business. It’s flexible, but difficult to make plans.”
“I’ll return to teaching in January. In Portland. The one in Oregon,” I clarified.
“I’ll come to you, then. I’ve never been there. You can show me the best places. Introduce me to the local customs.”
“Or tie you to my bed and never let you leave the house.”
His laughter made me laugh. “That works, too.”
I reached up and tugged him down to me by his neck. “I’m not kidding.”
His kiss told me he wasn’t either.
OVER THE NEXT three days, I lost track counting my orgasms.
I filed each one away for future alone time.
Who needed porn when I had memories of Kai to revisit?
After the sun set Wednesday night, we joined Ama and Ursula for dinner.
Another last dinner.
In a little over a month, it would be my turn for a last supper.
How depressing.
I rallied and smiled throughout the meal by focusing on my tender body after our three day love-fest. Crossing my legs brought out a new ache, reminding me of our session standing in his shower. I even had bruises on my hips where he’d pulled me against him.
Cataloging the physical evidence of our love distracted me from the painful bubble resting inside the middle of my chest.
When not eating, I held Kai’s hand. He rubbed his thumb along my palm in that soothing way of his. I concentrated on the touch and the energy warming my skin at the point of contact.
I didn’t count the hours or minutes until morning.
I listened to the conversation around me, adding a chuckle or an affirmation when appropriate. I had no idea what they discussed.
I pictured how pretty Amsterdam would be at Christmas with holiday decorations and lights reflecting along icy canals. I wondered if it snowed.
While I sat, dwelled, and imagined, dinner finished.
The last dinner ended.
The final good-byes were spoken.
It was over.
We’d run out of hours and tomorrows.
Kofi drove us to Kai’s place. With a promise to return in the morning, they wished each other well.
Inside the house, every sign of Kai had been packed away, returning the space to its neutral rental decor. On the bedroom floor, his luggage sat stacked in the corner—too few bags for the months he spent here—an entire life stuffed into suitcases.
Despite my best efforts to not cry in front of him, my eyes filled with tears. Over the past week, I’d moved my things back to Ama’s. Besides the linens, which smelled of sex, and a couple of towels, there remained no sign of us—no proof we’d lived and loved in these now empty rooms.
Nothing tangible existed to touch and memorialize our love.
No talisman for me to cling to instead of him.
I sat on the rumpled bed, the linens balled and tossed into heaps from tangled limbs.
I lay in the mess, inhaling and closing my eyes.
When I opened them, I spied him leaning against the dresser, watching me. He ran his thumb over the corner of his lower lip and stalked over to the bed.
“What’s going on inside of that big brain of yours?”
I blinked away the tears and sat up. “Memorizing things.”
“What sort of things?” His hand swept my hair away from my face.
“Everything.”
With a small, sad smile he reached for me, tugging me down with him to lay across his chest.
“Kofi will arrive before dawn tomorrow.”
“I know,” I whispered. Saying it out loud would make it true, but whispering meant it only existed as rumor.
“This isn’t the end, this isn’t forever,” he said, his voice thick with emotion.
I cleared my throat. “It might be. We won’t know until it isn’t.”
“Selah,” his voice hitched. “You’re one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I never expected you, yet here you are.”
Hot, wet drops slid down my face. I tried to speak and tell him the same, but my voice stuck in my throat. My chest heaved while I attempted to hold it together.
He clutched me closer and let me cry. His own chest trembled. I couldn’t bear him crying, so I closed my eyes and sniffled my own tears.
“Damn you.”
A low sound rumbled through his chest. He was laughing.
“Damn you,” I whispered.
“You curse at me a lot, don’t you?”
“When you laugh at me, yes.” I wiped my cheeks and below my eyes with my hands. “I’m having a moment, and you’re laughing.”
“I’d rather laugh with you than cry. Always.” His kissed the top of my hair.
“Can we promise not to say good-bye? It feels permanent.”
“What should we say instead?”
“Nothing. Can I ask a favor?”
“For you? Anything.”
“Don’t wake me in the morning. Let me stay asleep. Please?” My voice shook. “I’ll wake up and think you’ve gone on one of your short trips to Volta. If I don’t witness you leaving, I can pretend you didn’t break my heart.”
“Oh, my love.” He tipped my face up to look into my eyes. My chin trembled, and I didn’t try to hide the tears streaming down my face, or my pink nose. “I would never break your heart. Not intentionally.”
I bobbed my head. If I opened my mouth, the ugly crying would begin. Instead, I kissed him.