“And?”
“We had sex.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Just like that?”
“Pretty much. From the red lipstick stains on my chin, nose, cheeks, neck, and lips, there had been a lot of sloppy kissing, too.”
“You don’t remember?”
“Not a lot. It’s vague and fuzzy. The actual event took place in a random dark bedroom and ended pretty quick.”
Kai grumbled.
“I was fine with it. I’d wanted to lose my virginity ever since Sixteen Candles. And Mike was the boy I’d loved from afar for years. What could be better?”
“Did he love you back?”
“Not so much.”
“What a jerk.” Anger clouded his voice.
“Thank you for your misplaced chivalry.” I smiled at him and continued, “Since we had done the deed, I figured he reciprocated my feelings, and it meant we were a couple. I floated home, little pink puffy hearts dancing around me. Monday morning I waited for him to stop by my locker. Or come sit with me at lunch. Or meet me after class.”
He growled. “Let me guess. He didn’t?”
“Nope. In fact, he stopped speaking to me.”
“What a loser.”
“I know that now, but back then, I was humiliated. Everyone knew we’d hooked up at the party. Right then and there I vowed to never confuse sex with love again.”
“You were sixteen.”
“I know.”
“And you’ve stuck by that ever since?”
“Pretty much.”
“You’ve never been in love?”
“I wouldn’t go that far.” I glanced across the room. “I learned life is easier if you don’t allow yourself to be swept away.”
“Easier, but empty.”
“Maybe.” I shrugged.
“What does this story have to do with us?”
I stared at him, willing him to understand so I didn’t have to say it out loud.
His eyes met mine, and for five breaths he studied me. The crinkles appeared and his cocky smile dimpled his cheek.
“Oh.”
“Oh,” I echoed.
“Well, then.” He rested his arm on the top of the couch.
I waited for him to speak, my heart racing and my breath shallow.
“I don’t really see how we have an issue.”
I quirked an eyebrow at him. “We don’t?”
“None I can see.”
“Fill me in.”
“I love you, and you love me,” he said without pretense, the same way someone would say the sun was shining or the time was eight o’clock.
I blinked at him, my mouth hanging open.
“That’s it?” I asked.
“It’s not all of it.” He paused. “But it’s a big part.”
I managed to close my mouth. Crossing my arms, I huffed at him.
“What now?”
“That, Gerhard Kai whatever-your-middle-name-is Hendriks, was possibly the worst first I love you ever.”
“I don’t have a middle name.” He grinned at me.
“That’s not the important part!”
Tucking his knees under himself, he crawled over to my side of the couch. I leaned into the cushions when he rose over me. Shadows darkened his eyes into deep gray when he lowered his face closer to mine. I held my breath.
“The Dutch word for love is liefde.”
I slowly exhaled. “Liefde. It kind of sounds like life.”
He nodded. “Funny that.”
“Funny,” I whispered.
“I love you, Selah, my liefde.”
My audible gasp filled the space between us. I stared up into his eyes, seeing nothing but love and passion in them.
“I love you.”
I didn’t say “too” because I would love him even without knowing whether he reciprocated. I loved him without expectation. I loved him.
IN MY LIFE, there had been good sex and bad sex. Sex with mind-blowing orgasms and toe curling pleasure. Times where getting off trumped everything else. Moments when the day’s to-do list was written during the act.
Making love with Kai required its own separate category.
We’d had mind-blowing, toe curling, spine arching, put a porno to shame sex over the past three months. Looking back, we’d also made slow, easy love.
After saying “I love you” Kai scooped me off the sofa like I weighed nothing. Or was at least a much smaller woman. I protested, and he silenced me with a deep kiss. The man’s strength and multi-tasking abilities left nothing to be desired.
He dropped me on the bed and stood gazing down at me.
“What are we going to do with you?”
“Make love to me?”
“Of course, but I meant in general.”
He traced up my inner calves, parting my legs when he reached my knees, gently shoving the fabric of my skirt out of his way while his hands moved over my thighs.
I let my head fall back, reveling in his touch.
“I’ll miss this.” He kissed the soft skin of my inner thigh.
“It will miss you, too.”
“And this.” His fingers skimmed the lace edge of my underwear.
“So much.” I squirmed when he slipped a finger underneath.
Lifting his eyes, his gaze locked with mine for a few beats of my heart.
His hand snuck below my shirt, gliding across my belly until he reached my bra.
“I can’t bear to be apart from these.” He cupped a breast
“Their longing will be unbearable,” I moaned.
Without pretense or haste, he stripped me bare, and I did the same for him. My hands memorized his warm skin, marking each angle and dip of muscle and bone. I licked and tasted him, filing away every detail: his salty skin, his sweet, vaguely minty kiss. The skin behind his ear held his Kai pheromones—I could live inside that small patch of him for days. Other parts of him smelled musk, deep and pure man.
We lay together, tangled up in each other, our lust quiet for the moment, lost in our bubble. He buried his nose against the crook of my shoulder and placed a kiss there. I loved his lips. He reached out his arm and tore the condom foil with his teeth. I loved his teeth. I watched his nimble fingers ready himself. I loved his fingers. He rolled over me and aligned himself. I loved his weight on me. Silently, he entered me, inch by slow inch until his pelvis rested flush against my thighs. I loved the way he filled me.
I wrapped my legs around his hips and my arms around his ribs, wanting to consume him and never let him escape. The futility of desire washed over me while we moved together, rocking into one another with no space between where he ended and I began.
This wasn’t about seeking release or even pleasure. Each gesture held the weight of our love and the coming loss. Heavy, so heavy, our eyes held emotions our kisses tried to soothe away. My eyes closed, seeking to avoid revealing my fears.
His mouth sought mine, licking and nipping. I wove my fingers into his hair, pulling enough to flirt with pain. He responded by sliding his hand around the nape of my neck and grabbing my hair. The pain focused me on the moment, taking me out of my thoughts. I opened my eyes. He arched over me, towering above, pressing me down and claiming me. Over and over our eyes met, then closed with the knowledge time wasn’t in our favor.
On the fringes of perception, my orgasm began to escalate. I moved my hand between us, finding my clitoris and pressing down. Kai increased his thrusts while we sought simultaneous pleasure. He stilled and his release set off mine. I closed my eyes, relishing the pure contentment pulsing through me.
We had now. We loved. There was no promise of forever.
I wouldn’t say I saw God that night, but angels might have sung. Or wept.
WITH KAI CURLED around me, his hand splayed across my stomach, the drama of last night faded with the morning light.
I’d had lovers before him. Many lovers. With no regrets.
Okay, a few.
But I’d never had love.
Not the emotion which crashed over me, causing my heart to clench. I gave into the undertow and let it pull me away from safety into its depths.
He loved me.
I loved him.
Such simple concepts.
He stirred behind me. I rolled my head on the pillow to look at him.
“Morning.” He kissed my shoulder.
“When did you realize you loved me?”
He nipped my shoulder and rolled his hips against my butt. “Does it matter?”
“No, but I’m curious.”
His hand came up and cupped my breast while his scruff tickled the skin of my shoulders. “I followed you to Ghana. That’s everything you need to know.”
I rolled over to face him. “You didn’t love me in Amsterdam.”
“No, but you intrigued me as no other woman has.”
I smiled affectionately at him. “I do?”
“Mmm hmm.” He bowed down to kiss the swell of my breast. “You’re both the most fascinating and frustrating woman I’ve ever met.”
I moaned when he nipped the skin near my nipple. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“You should.” He brushed his whiskers across my chest, making me squirm. His hands held me so tight I couldn’t escape his slow torture. “And you?”
“Me what?”
“When did you stop resisting my charms and fall in love with me?”
“My birthday.”
He paused and chuckled. “All it took was dressing up as a pirate?”
I laughed. “Not the dressing up as much as the willingness to do it. I accepted I loved you when you almost got killed on the road to Kumasi. I prayed for you.”