Looking up from the phone briefly before typing out the text, his gaze landed on a woman not ten feet from him. The sidewalk was crowded, people passing between them. He saw her though. She appeared like a ghost from years past, and in a blink, she had disappeared, lost in the bustling crowd.
He could swear on his life he'd seen her. But his body was sluggish, stunned even, so he stood there turning in a slow circle looking to where she could have vanished. Desperate, he looked for the angelic face framed by the long dark hair that he remembered so well. But, like a flash of lightning, she was gone. Without a trace. Again? How was that possible?
He struggled to move, willing images of her to help him, to soothe him, to guide him back to reality.
His phone rang and without thinking, he answered, "Hello."
"Hey, honey, you were supposed to get back to me earlier in case I needed to change my RSVP." Rebecca. Always cheerful. He could feel her smile through the phone. Did it ever frustrate her that sometimes their calls only consisted of appointment reminders?
"Oh, um . . ." He couldn't find the words he needed, not presently in the conversation. Grace. Grace was all he could think about. He started running in the direction he had seen her.
"Benjamin?"
The call became an afterthought as he ran, not thinking about anything but his Grace, focused on finding her again. He couldn't let her get away, not this time. If it was her, he had to find her. He had to try. He stopped at the exact spot where he originally saw her walking, but it was a corner where she could've easily gone in any one of four directions. He ran one block up and searched. Picking up his pace and using all his strength, he ran in the opposite direction. After covering the cross street, he fell to his knees, winded and heartbroken all over again. His hands squeezed at the cramps piercing his side as tears stung his eyes.
Life tortured his battered soul relentlessly. Every time he thought he could move on, he was dragged back into the hell of his past. His delusions of seeing her had gotten the best of him too many times. As he bent forward, his breathing came in gasps, needing air. He wasn't out of breath. He was out of hope. He wanted the nightmare to end. He looked around one last time, realizing if she had been real, he'd lost her. Again.
Ambling to his feet, he staggered to the closest brick wall, using it for support. His phone rang, bringing him back into the present. "This is my existence. This is my life now," he said quietly to himself, reminding himself to find acceptance with reality. Grace was gone.
Grace was gone.
He reached into his pocket to grab the phone, but before he had a chance to say anything, he realized the call had been accidentally answered and heard, "Benjamin? Benjamin, what are you doing? Did you hang up on me?"
After exhaling a deep breath, he started to explain, "I'm sorry, Rebecca . . . I had . . . I saw . . . I thought-"
"Are you okay? I was worried. Why didn't you answer my calls?"
"Your calls?"
"I called you back three times."
"Oh . . ." He couldn't tell her he was running down the street, looking for a ghost who'd disappeared off the face of the earth three long years ago. Ben knew that would upset her, and he'd never intentionally hurt her. He gave her the news she'd been hoping for. "I can go to the awards dinner. I rearranged some stuff to make it work."
"Really? You're coming?"
"Yes, I'm looking forward to it." Trying to act normal, he felt anything but that right then. He was still winded and couldn't stop scanning his surroundings, just in case.
Rebecca was called to an emergency, and Ben walked home in a daze, his mind disappearing into what could have happened three years ago. Without any answers or clues, he couldn't heal much less ever move on, despite wishing he could put it all behind him. His family told him he was too young to waste his life searching for someone that was gone forever. Grace's family had said the same. It pained them to do so, but they did. Ben knew it was for his benefit, and they only wanted something good to come from this tragedy, but how do you forget about a heart that once beat so loudly? Most days his chest felt vacant, but sometimes, like today, it thrummed, giving him a taste of what it once was and what could have been.
As soon as he entered his apartment, every emotion he'd buried came rushing back. Here, in the solace of this place, he could peel the layers of lies away and be who he felt on the inside. Here, he could break down or feed the beast that craved more memories of the past. Here, he could mourn and grieve.