When I got home I made a decision. I had a shower, shaved my legs, straightened my hair and made myself look irresistible, best underwear and all. I packed my toothbrush and spare underwear in case things went very well and I stayed over. I then took the tube down to Benjamin’s.
I spent the tube journey thinking what I would say. I’d tell him I was being spontaneous – that would be a word to appeal to Benjamin. I’d say that I’d come all the way for one kiss, and after that kiss I’d be on my way. He’d be unable to resist and pull me indoors.
With a buzz of confidence, I got off the train at Collier’s Wood and walked round to his flat. He lives on the ground floor in a shabby chic area near the tube station, filled with organic shops and art galleries. When I got to the communal front door, the blinds were down in the front window. Light glossed from behind. I rang the doorbell and a few moments passed. I rang again. After another minute I heard, very softly, his twinkly sitar music coming from his flat.
I went round to the bay window at the front, which is his living room. The wooden blinds were drawn shut, but hadn’t quite been lowered all the way. There was a two inch gap at the bottom. I crouched down to the window sill and peered through. I gave a little squeal of shock. On the living room floor Benjamin lay naked and sat astride him, also naked, was Laura! I could see in addition to her face, she had her nipples pierced and – where Benjamin’s erection was buried between her legs – three more piercings.
I stared as they had sex, not quite able to turn my head away from it. The joint moans of ecstasy, the candles dotted around them, and the clinking sound of Laura’s piercings. It was like hearing someone sorting through loose change in their trousers. Their movements became quicker, then I jumped as I heard Benjamin shout, ‘NAMASTE!’
I stood up, unsure of what to do. I was livid and terrified at the same time. I walked back down the path and through the gate, then went back. I walked up the path to the front door where I rang the bell holding my finger down on it. I was about to leave when the light flicked on in the hall and the door was pulled open.
Benjamin stood there in his dressing gown.
‘Natalie. Namaste,’ he said. He looked up and down and took in my short skirt and heels. The oversized bag. I was completely lost for words.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ I shrilled, sounding much like my mother. He looked furious.
‘I told you. I’m meditating Natalie. Why did you go against my wishes? Why do you act so passive aggressive?’
‘What? Me?’
‘Yes! I tell you I am meditating. That I want peace and quiet and you turn up unannounced, dressed provocatively so I can’t say no. And I have to let you in. Well I’m not going to bow to your passive aggressive behaviour!’ he said raising his voice. I stood there with my mouth open.
‘I just wanted to come and see you…’ I squeaked.
‘And I just want a bit of space. Maybe I want to be alone.’ He stared at me and I’m ashamed to say I didn’t speak. I opened my mouth again but nothing came out.
‘Now it’s still light. Go and get on the tube, and go home, and text me to let me know you’re home safe, ok?’ he said.
He smiled and closed the door. I stood there for a moment, but all my energy was gone. Defeated I walked back to the tube station, got on the train, and went home.
The woman in black
I went back to the flat and lay on my bed in the darkness, staring up at the ceiling. My building was very quiet, save for the pipes gurgling as water whooshed through the walls. As the time passed, the pipes fell silent until all I could hear was the ticking clock in the kitchen. I tried to convince myself I had imagined it all. But the image of them having sex wouldn’t leave me.
I spent a sleepless night trying to work out why. What does Laura have that I don’t? Tattoos and piercings… What do I have that she doesn’t? Hair. It went round and round in my head… Is that what Benjamin wanted?
I tried to picture myself with a shaved head, but I could never do it voluntarily, and as for all that body piercing… How often have I caught a hang-nail on a rug? All that metal attached to delicate skin didn’t bear thinking about.
I was glad when morning came and I could focus back on work. It was the first day of rehearsals for Macbeth. I walked to the theatre, popping in to Grande, where I met Nicky. She was dressed in an electric blue trouser suit with matching blue heels and blue glasses.
‘No honey, get a pen and write it down…’ she said, berating a new barista, who wasn’t versed in the alchemy of her coffee ordering. ‘Decaf Colombian flat white soy, no foam, two pumps of hazelnut syrup, a little soy whip on top with a dusting of fair trade cocoa, and can you pour this Sweet’N’Low slowly into the soy milk as you steam.’ She handed him a little sachet of sweetener. He nodded. Sweat had broken out on his forehead.