I managed to laugh even though it was the last thing I felt like doing. I would much rather have cried at how unfair life was. Why some people were born with all the luck, and then others were given one punch after another. I wasn’t going down just yet. I had more fight left in me.
Tonight, I wasn’t calling Jason back. I couldn’t do it without breaking down and crying. This wasn’t his business. I wasn’t his future and he wasn’t in love with me. I had to deal with it on my own. The hardened wall I had let come down slowly began to erect itself as I sat down and made a list of things I needed to handle this week. By Saturday I would be ready to go get a job and an apartment.
JASON
I had been calling Jess for two days and left several dozen messages, but she hadn’t responded once. If she was listening to my messages, she knew I had the tickets to the music festival thanks to my brother. She also knew exactly what had happened when Jo answered my phone and how it would never happen again.
Either she wasn’t getting my messages or she didn’t believe me. I made arrangements to leave Thursday night. My Friday class was just going to have to be missed. I had someone getting me notes. I couldn’t wait until Friday night to see Jess. I had to fix this. Knowing she was upset made it impossible for me to concentrate on anything.
When my phone started ringing, I jumped out of the shower soaking wet and grabbed my phone. It was Jess.
“Finally,” I said into the phone. “I’ve called a million times.”
She didn’t respond right away, and I felt a moment of panic. Was she still pissed?
“It’s been a busy week. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to call you back.” Her voice sounded off. Almost like she was fighting back tears.
“Jess, what’s wrong? Is this about that shit with Jo? Because I swear to you . . .”
“No, it’s not about her. Don’t apologize. It’s okay, really. I’m not angry about that.”
Then what the hell was wrong? “What’s going on?”
She let out a sigh, and I walked over to my computer to see when the next flight headed south was. My classes could all go to hell. I wasn’t losing her. If she needed me, then I was going to be there.
“I . . . Your, uh . . .” She stopped, and it sounded like she sniffed. Then she took a deep breath. “Your mom came by on Monday to see me. She made it very clear how you feel for Johanna.”
“What the fuck? She came to your house?” I asked, standing up and staring straight ahead as fury rolled through me. How could she do this? What was wrong with my mother? It was my fucking life.
“She wanted me to understand how things were with the two of you and your hopes for your future. I don’t fit in to that world. Your world. It is just too much. And I understand now why you picked Johanna’s feelings over mine that morning. It makes sense. I was confusing sex with something more.”
“Jess, stop talking now. Just stop fucking talking. None of this is true. I don’t know what she said, but—”
“You chose her feelings when put on the spot. I knew that meant something. I get it, and I accept that I was never meant for more than a fling. I let the needy female in me want more, and that was my mistake. But it’s all irrelevant now.”
“I’m booking a flight now. I’m coming to see you. I thought we cleared that shit with Jo up. I never would choose her feelings over yours. Please, just—”
“I slept with Krit last night,” she blurted out, and my world stopped turning. The fire inside of me was immediately doused as I stood there unable to speak.
“I’ve always wanted a man to love me for me. Because he’s wild I always ignored his declarations of love. But he loves me. He always chooses me first. He will turn down anyone and anything if I ask him to. That’s the kind of devotion I deserve. It’s what you have with Johanna. I was ruining that for you. Go change the world. I’ll be fine here in this life I was born into.”
I couldn’t even tell her bye. When she hung up, I stood there holding the phone in my hand, completely cold inside. She hadn’t called me all week because she was fucking that lowlife again, not because I had hurt her. My mother tells her one batch of lies and she believes her. No questions asked, she fucking believed her and then went running to a guy who wears motherfucking eyeliner.
The pain slowly turned to rage and hate. I would make sure I never saw her face again. If s wanted to be a whore, then so be it. I should have known better. Girls like her aren’t the kind who change. They don’t have good hearts and the ability to fall in love.
The sad fact was, now she had ruined me. I had tasted that kind of passion and nothing else would ever compare. Jess had made sure she broke me. I wouldn’t be able to need like that again. I didn’t fucking want to. A loveless marriage to a woman who was raised to know that you didn’t control a man with your body was the safe route. No wonder so many men married boring women and only fucked the wild ones. You couldn’t hold the wild ones. Guess I’d learned that the hard way.