Midnight Valentine(27)
I stand on my porch for a long time, Theo’s business card clutched in my hand, the pounding of the surf ringing in my ears. Then I go inside and fire up the computer.
Into Google’s search box I type: Can mute people make sounds?
8
According to Wikipedia, mute people can make all kinds of sounds, destroying my rapidly ballooning conspiracy theory that Theo Valentine can talk but just doesn’t want to.
I read aloud from the webpage. “Inability to speak is not the same as inability to make noise. Grunts, groans, yells, etc. don’t require vocal cords as they can be made by forcing air in or out of the lungs. Depending on the severity of damage to the vocal cords, short words such as ‘me’ or ‘you’ may be possible. If vocal cord damage is total, only primal sounds such as screams are possible.”
Then I glimpse the section titled “Selective Mutism.” It includes a list of symptoms that are familiar: social isolation and withdrawal; difficulty maintaining eye contact; reluctance to smile; difficulty expressing feelings; sensitivity to noise and crowds. There are a bunch of other things that should have Theo’s picture next to them, but that condition usually appears in childhood.
Hmm.
There’s also a condition called reactive mutism, in which a person decides not to speak, usually after suffering some kind of severe trauma.
So it is a thing, but I have no way of knowing if Theo’s problem is with his vocal cords or his mental state.
Or both.
I go upstairs, run myself a bath, get undressed and soak, my thoughts in a jumble, until the water grows cold. Then I climb out, towel off, change into my usual lie-atop-the-covers-and-stare-at-the-ceiling T-shirt-and-boy-shorts outfit, and get into bed.
At 3:00 a.m., I drag myself up, go back downstairs to get my laptop, and return with it to bed. Okay, Mr. Valentine. Let’s see what you’ve got to say for yourself.
To: Theo@hillrise.com
From: Bowie4Evah@yahoo.com
Subject: New Homeowner in Need of Advice
Dear Dr. Valentine,
So I met this man a few weeks ago, and I need your advice. Everyone keeps telling me what a wonderful guy he is, how great his work is, how I should absolutely hire him to do this huge renovation on my house—my dream house, mind you—but there’s a problem.
I cause this individual severe gastrointestinal distress.
If I were a sadist, I would simply hire him and let him stew in his own sour juices while the job was completed, but I have a heart. I want to give this poor man a jumbo bottle of Tums to make him feel better. But the guy doesn’t want my antacid offerings, he just wants to peel the skin off my face with the blistering heat of his dislike.
What do you suggest?
Sincerely,
Confused
After I hit Send, I re-read the email several times. Satisfied the tone is sufficiently tongue-in-cheek, I’m about to close the laptop when the chime announcing the arrival of a new email sounds. Lo and behold, I’ve got a response. That fast.
Is he an insomniac too?
To: Bowie4Evah@yahoo.com
From: Theo@hillrise.com
Subject: Re: New Homeowner in Need of Advice
Dear Confused,
I suggest being up front with him to clear the air. For instance, you could initiate a conversation on the topic during a late evening drive in his car. I’m sure that wouldn’t be awkward at all.
Sincerely,
Dr. Valentine
Ha! The snarky bastard! I break into a huge grin and immediately compose my response.
To: Theo@hillrise.com
From: Bowie4Evah@yahoo.com
Subject: Sadly…
I already did that. Sir Grumpsalot didn’t appear to appreciate my attempts to clear the air of the thick fog of his disgust. I was thinking I could write him a haiku to demonstrate my intellectual charms and win his admiration?
Haikus are poems
That often do not make sense
Hippopotamus
To: Bowie4Evah@yahoo.com
From: Theo@hillrise.com
Subject: Re: Sadly…
#1 – Sir Grumpsalot?! I prefer Captain Crankypants, thank you. Unless addressing me formally, in which case you’d use my proper title of King Crabby Poo.
#2 – That is probably the best haiku ever written. Not only does it perfectly describe the art form, you worked in the word hippopotamus, which, in my opinion, is vastly underrepresented in poetry. Well done.
To: Theo@hillrise.com
From: Bowie4Evah@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Sadly…
Your powers of observation are astute. I am shocked, sir, shocked that you guessed my original email was about you.
Would it be rude at this juncture to observe that I like you much more in email than in person? Though I must admit, you give good phone too.
To: Bowie4Evah@yahoo.com
From: Theo@hillrise.com