He was a little mad about that, but didn't-couldn't-show it. And to Kay's credit, it never even occurred to her that her dear and good friend had dumped a bomb primed to go off right into her lap.
Kay watched her finger run around the rim of the wine glass. "And then it became clear that I was going to have to be the whistleblower. The best I could hope for was that my career would be ruined. Whistleblowers are subjected to legal harassment; their contacts are scrutinized. Their friends come under scrutiny. You had a good career going that I could ruin for you, Nick. I wasn't going to do that. No way."
Nick ground his teeth so hard he was surprised he didn't crack a tooth. "I can't believe you were thinking that." She was terrified, in danger, and she was thinking of his career? That it might suffer? Fuck that.
Her hand in his was shaking.
"I went over it and over it in my head. Looked at it from every angle, and there wasn't any angle where I didn't ruin your life for you."
He felt like someone had punched him in the chest. With his free hand, he rubbed the spot over his heart. "Kay, there's no way you could ruin my life. I wanted you. Want you."
"I know." The slight sheen in her eyes only made them glow more brightly, made them more beautiful. "You don't think I know? I wanted you, too. But I wasn't going to destroy you. Then-" With her free hand, she swiped away another tear.
Jesus, even tears looked good on her. Nick had never seen a woman grow more beautiful with tears, but Kay managed it. She looked so fragile he was afraid she'd break.
But she wasn't fragile, that was the point. She'd taken up the flag when her friend had fallen, perfectly aware that she could be trashing the career she'd worked so hard for, perfectly aware that there was danger, and still she'd thought of him. Of his fucking career!
No, this woman wasn't fragile. She was just exhausted and terrified.
"Then?"
"I asked Felicity to contact Mike Hammer through the dark web and she did. Mike knew a lot of the background. I told him I was coming to Portland. He told me to meet him and give him the flash drive. But he also said to be prepared to go underground. He said maybe I could surface a week or two after Priyanka's findings were published, maybe longer. He said I had to be prepared to go to a safe house for a while. But of course, the subtext was that staying in a safe house might become … permanent."
She looked at him, heart in her eyes. "By that time, you'd quit the FBI and joined ASI. And I knew that something like this could never compromise your position at ASI, they don't think like that."
"No," Nick said, voice steady. "They don't. But I want you to know that even if I'd still been a Special Agent, I wouldn't have been scared of the association with you. They could have come after me all they wanted."
"Nick," she said softly. "Don't forget that people have ended up dead over this. It wasn't just a question of your career taking a hit. The blowback could have ended up costing you your life."
Nick didn't scoff. He'd known of too many people who'd lost their lives to bad guys. Not only to terrorists abroad, but to greedy bastards at home. A potential vice president had killed hundreds of people at a Washington hotel in what was known as the Washington Massacre. Countless men and women dead for his greed and power hunger. Still … "I know how to handle myself."
Kay pinched the bridge of her nose. "I know you do. Anyway, once you were ASI and I was planning on disappearing anyway, I-I thought … I thought maybe I could allow myself one meeting with you." She pursed her lips. "I wasn't planning on sleeping with you, though."
"You were thinking about it." Nick was certain of it.
She cocked her head, studying him. "Yes." A slight smile. "I was thinking about it. I thought-if I'm going to throw my career away, maybe I can give myself a little treat."
He faked indignation. "A little treat?"
The smile was still small but genuine. "Okay. A big treat."
"Very big treat."
"The biggest."
They grinned at each other. Nick's heart lifted. Whatever was in the cards for them, whatever was going to happen, they would face it together. And he had all of ASI at his back. He would never say it out loud, and could barely think it to himself, but he'd rather have ASI at his back than the FBI.
"It'll be all right, Kay," he said softly. "We'll figure it out. It's big and it's scary but we'll figure it out."