She might be driven into lifelong exile, she might be tossed into the deepest dungeon in the world, she could lose everything she had worked so hard for.
Her head dropped. "Not quite in the way you mean, but … yes."
Nick was silent.
Surprised, she lifted her head.
He waited another beat. "That stops," he said. "Right now."
Actually, it did. Not because of something Nick could do, but because of what she was about to do. She was stepping into danger … but it was almost better than the last few weeks of agonizing heartache as she slowly came to the realization that someone in an institution she worshipped had sold out and had her best friend killed.
Whatever was to come, at least she wasn't tormented by doubts. Whatever was to come, she was going to face it head-on.
So, yeah. It stopped, right now.
"Thanks." Kay smiled wryly.
He cocked his head, studying her. "I can't ask and you can't tell. That's about it, right?"
She nodded, throat tight.
Oh God, how she wished she could unburden herself. How she wished she could open up, tell him everything, walk him through how she got here, alone and lost.
Nick was smart and, above all, Nick thought strategically and tactically. Kay was lost in this world. Her world was science, the world of truths. Eternal truths. A world of things that could be proven. Two plus two equals four had been true before humans walked the earth and would be true to the end of time. The beauty of science was its clarity. If scientists didn't understand the truth, it wasn't nature's fault, it was theirs. The universe was clear and straightforward, even down to quantum physics. It was people who were opaque and contradictory and often made no sense at all.
"Something I have to deal with myself," she said. "You can't help me." Actually, no one could help her.
"I can't help you with the science thing," Nick admitted. "But I can beat someone up for you. Easy. I'd enjoy it, too."
A laugh burst out of her, a little intense bubble of emotion that brought tears to her eyes. Whoa. She coughed and looked away, blinking furiously. If only it were so easy.
For a second Kay was so tempted to lay all her problems before him, put everything in his very large and very capable scarred hands. Nick would know what to do. And now that he was out of the FBI, his career couldn't be ruined.
But that would be so unfair. Kay had a heavy burden to bear, and it was hers alone. Nick was a good guy, but he'd already helped her out so much. He'd helped save her grandfather, her only family.
Nick was interested in her-he'd shown that. He'd made it clear he'd like an affair. But sex didn't mean he wanted to take all her baggage on board. It would be like lifting a thousand-ton anvil, all for a quick lay.
Though with Nick, maybe it wouldn't be so quick …
Heat blossomed through her again, a blast of it so strong it was like a hand at her back, pushing her forward.
Sex with Nick.
So.
There it was, out in the open. In the back of her mind, she'd been thinking of sex with Nick for a while now. It was, possibly, the reason she'd agreed to dinner tonight. Kay wasn't used to her subconscious tripping her up, but there it was. Her glands leading her around instead of her head.
Well, why not?
Who would it hurt? Her, actually, because it could only be a one-night stand, and Kay didn't do those. She'd never had an affair that was only sex. A night of passion then disappearing forever … ouch.
Plus, she thought Nick might like something more. A two-night stand, maybe, at a minimum. A week-long affair, perhaps. Nick wasn't known for his long-term relationships, but he wasn't a player, either. He'd want something more than slam-bam thank you, sir, which was basically all she could offer.
But one night … oh man. Payback for all the long, lonely nights wrestling with this huge, writhing thing at the center of her life. Nights spent staring at the ceiling, slowly coming to terms with the fact that someone in an institution she admired was fundamentally evil, way beyond anything she could ever imagine.
Nick knew about that kind of evil. Grandfather Al knew, too. They knew what humans were capable of. Their enemies were the scumbags of the earth. Terrorists, rapists, murderers, abusers, the corrupt. Men whose coin was pain and fear.
Kay's enemy her entire life had been completely different. Her enemy was nature itself. She was going to be a brick in the wall that cut mankind off from its worst enemies-cancer, heart disease, muscular dystrophy. All the illnesses the flesh was heir to.
Disease, illness, plagues-they'd always been so horrible, killing millions and millions of people throughout history. Smallpox alone was one of the most terrifying things on earth. And yet … it never failed to astonish her that people could be more dangerous than disease. More murderous, capable of much greater damage.