The baby fusses with little hiccuping cries, so I bring her back against my chest, watching in awe when she settles in like it's where she belongs. Even though she isn't mine, and there's a chance I won't see her ever again. The instinct to kiss her tiny blond head sends a sharp pain cramping through my chest. I don't dare get attached to this little beauty.
"She's perfect." I meet Angie's teary smile and let out the long breath I've been holding since coming into the room. "Why didn't you tell me Theo gave up his rights?"
She tips her chin, eyes casting down to her hands in her lap. "We both know you would've felt obligated to take his place."
I glance around the room, unable to deny that she's right, and unable to address the heavy thoughts hanging between us. Large bouquets of flowers and a handful of stuffed animals left behind by visitors assure me that she was well loved even after I wasn't around.
"How long are you staying in the city?" she asks.
"I have to be back by next Monday."
It's a blatant lie. Truth is, I bought a one-way ticket. Since I had no idea how this whole thing would go, I told my boss I was attending to a family emergency, and may end up having to move. As optimistic as that may have been at the time, it would seem a feasible option the way she smiles at me with her bottom lip caught between her teeth.
But I promised myself I'd be smart about this. I can't get involved with her again until she can prove this is what she wants. That we're what she wants-a family.
A tense smile passes over Angie's face. "I wish we had more time. There's so much I want to tell you. I've made even bigger regrets since the last time we were together."
I grunt in agreement. "Me too." I hand the baby back, sucking in a sharp breath when my arms brush with hers. The need to hug her claws at my throat like a wild animal as I back away, shoving my hands into my pockets. "I'm gonna head over to James and Sharlo's … get settled in."
"This is so not how I pictured things would go," she confesses, swiping a hand over her wet face while releasing a sad little laugh. "You're uncomfortable, and I already suck at this mom gig. I can't even choose a name for my child."
I bite back a chuckle. "That definitely doesn't mean you suck. Didn't it take Sofia two days to come up with a name for Lexie?"
"Only because Nolan didn't like the list of names she had." Her voice cracks when she gazes down on her daughter. "Nothing I picked out while pregnant with her fits this precious little baby."
I lower to the edge of the mattress at her side, rubbing one of my temples. Regardless of how this ends up, I can't stand seeing her upset. "Go with your gut and pick out your favorite." My fingers wrap around the baby's little foot hidden beneath the blanket she's wrapped in. I refuse to touch Angie instead. Any remaining resolution to hold back would shatter. "Choose something that has meaning. Seems to me she won't always look like this anyway."
"I want to name her after my mom."
I meet her teary stare, my lips spreading with a wide smile. "I think ‘Anna' would be perfect."
"But does she look like an Anna? Is the name too outdated?" With more tears spilling down her cheeks, her chin quivers. "I don't want her to get teased when she's older. It'll be hard enough on her if I'm still acting, and paparazzi are constantly hounding her."
My heart drops to the floor with her confession. "Kids can be little assholes. They'll find a way to tease her no matter what." I grit through my teeth while collecting her tears with my finger, wanting to erase all of her pain. "Whether or not you give her your mom's name, chances are she'll be strong as hell like her grandma and her mother, and she'll tell those kids where they can go."
"Most days I don't feel so strong." Her fingers wrap around my wrist before I can reclaim my hand. Her gaze locks on mine, swarming with regret. "I wasn't strong enough to choose you."
"There's still time." I give into the intense pull between us and lean my head against hers, cupping her wet face in my hand. Her cool fingers splay across my jaw as our jerky breaths mingle. "Just … I don't want to rush this. I think the two of us together could be a really good thing as long as we're careful this time around."
"I'm so sorry I hurt you, Ash," she whispers. "I'd give anything to take it back."
"I know you would. But then you wouldn't have this beautiful little girl." She trembles beneath me with a little cry as I pull back to briefly brush my lips over her forehead. It'd be easy enough to kiss her and tell her that I forgave her long ago. This time, however, I want to do things the right way rather than going the easy route. I want her to fight for me. "I'm gonna go hang with James for awhile. I'll come back to visit again after lunch."
I tear myself away, rising from the bed and scooping my backpack off the floor. I don't turn, knowing her reaction will talk me out of walking away.
"I still love you, Ang … probably always will."
Her quiet whimper follows me into the hallway.
16
Angelina
Seeing Asher after all this time was the cherry on top of an already perfect day, although his reluctance doesn't fade when he returns later in the afternoon as promised. It helps when my family's in and out, breaking up the long bouts of silence between us. He doesn't offer any information about what responsibilities he's blowing off in Miami, and I don't ask. I'm merely grateful he's here. He told me everything I needed to know when he confessed he's still in love with me. The fact that he flew to New York proves he's willing to try again.
I don't know if he made arrangements with my sisters ahead of time, but he's the one to bring us home from the hospital, sticking around for hours afterwards to make sure we're settled in. He's somber around me, his smiles reserved solely for my daughter. I'm oddly okay with it. By the time he leaves, first making me promise I won't take Anna anywhere alone, the spark of hope that started when he walked into my hospital room has ignited to a full flame.
The next day he appears with groceries in hand. Later we take Anna for her first walk in the new buggy from Sharlo. I try not to let myself get too excited, even though half the people we pass smile at us like we're new parents. His silence becomes as comfortable as a soft blanket. I don't push it, wanting his heart to heal in whatever way he thinks necessary. I'm also grateful to have another adult around. My little girl isn't on any kind of a schedule, and nursing has been a struggle. I'd like to think with every minute Asher's with us, it's another step toward mending our relationship.
He visits us every day without fail, whether or not my family and friends are there for a visit. The first time I catch him changing one of Anna's diapers, hope swells so thick inside my chest that I'm surprised when I don't burst like a balloon. Not only that, he's becoming comfortable in my apartment like it's his home, doing the dishes and laundry without being asked, and putting things in their proper place. Whenever he's not with me, he's either at James and Sharlo's, or sparring at the gym with James and Nolan.
The day before Anna turns a week old, I leave her in his care to attend my first NA meeting, and come back to find them napping together on my bed. Watching them from the doorway, tears stream down my cheeks as my heart cracks wide open. It's the first time it hits me that I'm falling in love with Asher Waldorf all over again. If I fuck things up this time, there won't be any getting over him.
Whether or not he decides to return to Miami, he's already become the perfect father to my little girl. I don't think he's actively trying to play the role, either. Maybe it comes naturally since she's an extension of the woman he loves. It's a romantic notion, but one that has helped me survive darker hours when he isn't with us.
I'm admittedly jealous of the bond he's forming with Anna. Not only the bond, but the way he smiles at her and holds her, his eyes full of light as he whispers things too quiet for me to hear. He finally hugged me the other day, and seemed reluctant to let me go. I ache for more than that, and would do anything for a chance to feel his lips on mine.
His stay in New York extends from another week into another. Time slips away, becoming two months. We're as comfortable as two old friends can be without being romantically involved, and we've fallen into a pattern of co-parenting. Although I'd give anything for his touch, I take what I can get, too afraid to question his intentions. I know he loves me, and he's madly in love with my daughter. It's all that matters.
Soon we're planning for Anna's christening at the Lutheran church where I attend NA. Until Asher and I started taking Anna every Sunday, I hadn't been to a service aside from weddings since Mom was alive. We've become close with the pastor, and both agreed she should be baptized when he mentioned the idea.