The brownstone's buzzer pulls me from my deep thoughts. I hurry inside to answer it, finding my sisters and sister-in-law toting their pack of wild children. Before I moved to New York, the sudden change in decibel and flurry of little ones may have been stressful. Now I find comfort when surrounded by my nieces and nephews. I've even adjusted my apartment to be kid-friendly, and invested in a few toys to keep them entertained. It was honestly the best way to prepare for motherhood, even though there are still days when I wonder who the hell I'm kidding thinking I can raise a child on my own.
"Sorry we're late, love," Sharlo announces on everyone's behalf, kissing my cheek. She hands her baby daughter off to me before guiding the toddlers through the door. "Traffic was bloody awful."
As Leesa snuggles against my shoulder, I kiss her blond curls and inhale her baby scent. I've never seen so much hair on a seven month old, and she's already developing the sweetest personality. Cuddles with my two youngest nieces have become the best form of therapy. I'd say the same about the oldest three zooming past my legs if I could only wrangle them in for longer than a few seconds.
Charlie's bodyguard comes in behind them, arms filled with gift bags and presents.
"Go ahead and set them on the table by the couch," Evelyn tells him as she's spreading a blanket out for her sleeping daughter.
I eye Dante suspiciously. "What's going on?"
Sofia greets me with a kiss on the cheek while readjusting Lexie on her hip. "Please don't be upset with us. We know you didn't want a big shower with games, so we're just doing a low-key family thing."
"You deserve a little pampering!" Evelyn calls over her shoulder from the living room. "We're so proud of you!"
Tears fill my eyes as I close the door. How could I be upset with them when they've spoiled me from the first day I moved to the city? Days like this I'm overwhelmed by their support. I sometimes even question how it could possibly be deserved.
"Your mommy and aunties are so thoughtful," I tell Leesa, capturing the chubby little hand patting my cheek, and kissing its palm. I follow everyone into my living room, taking a spot on the couch at Sharlo's side.
"Unless you need anything else, I'm heading out," Dante tells Evelyn. "Give me a call when you're ready to go."
"Thank you, Dante!" Evelyn sings after him.
A dull ache spreads through my heart as I watch him leave. He always reminds me of Asher, even though their mannerisms and facial features are nothing alike. I miss Asher with all my heart. I was naive to believe he'd always be around.
Sharlo rubs my arm, eyes bright. "You alright?"
I momentarily bite my lip as tears build. Another one of the most difficult parts of my recovery was being open and honest with everyone I love. I told my family everything, starting with crashing John's wedding, and everything leading up to my affair with Asher. Charlie and James both struggled at first to accept what happened while Asher was on duty, even though I took 100% of the blame. In recent weeks, Evelyn assured me the three guys have made peace with each other, pushing away any hard feelings in light of their stone-clad friendships.
Through a pained smile, I shrug back at Sharlo. "How's Ash?"
"Last I heard, he had started coaching young boxers at the local gym. I think he's coping best he can, all things considered."
When I squeeze my eyes shut, tears spill down my cheeks. Of course he'd be working with kids. He would've made the world's most amazing father. How will I ever forgive myself for screwing that up? At the same time I drop my face against Leesa's strawberry scented curls, my sisters each make noises of empathy, and someone presses a tissue into my hand.
From my other side, Evelyn gathers my hair away from my face. "Aw, sweetie. How long has it been since you've talked to him?"
"A c-couple of weeks." I dab my eyes with the tissue, and take a steady breath. "He called to see how I was doing. There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but … " More tears fall as another sob rips through me. "I wish I could go back and do things differently … I miss him so much!"
Sharlo takes her daughter, then continues rubbing my arm. "We know you do, love. I truly believe he misses you too. Give him time. There's still hope he'll come around."
Looking at her, I shake my head. "What, like after I give birth to another man's child? How can I expect him to forgive me after I betrayed him?"
"If he still loves you, he'll eventually be able to see past your mistakes," Evelyn tells me, taking my hand between hers with tears glistening in her eyes. "But if for some reason he doesn't, you're still going to be okay. You've become so strong through all of this, Ang. Even the guys are always saying how proud they are that you're doing this on your own. And regardless of what happens with Asher, you'll always have us."
One of the toddlers screams from the corner of the room.
"The whole lot of us, including scads of nieces and nephews who adore you no matter what," Sharlo adds with a roll of her eyes. Then she slides off the couch and heads toward the ruckus.
"You guys are too good to me," I tell Evelyn, reaching for her hand.
Our fingers twist together and she grins. "Are you kidding me? We love you-you're our sister. We should've been there for you a long time ago. Until I started a family of my own, I lost sight of what was important after Mom and Dad died."
Sofia nods, then kisses the top of her daughter's head. "We all did."
Evelyn sighs deeply, tossing me a teary-eyed wink. "Too bad we can't convince Hunter and Braden to move out here so we could all be together again."
"Unless the Hudson starts producing surf-worthy waves, I don't think we'll be seeing Brae anytime soon," I say with a giggle.
"And I don't see Hunter ever selling the farm," Sofia adds. "He's set on living out Dad's legacy."
"Yeah, well … " Evelyn collects her fussing daughter from the floor, running her fingers through Olivia's curls. "A girl can dream."
I know she's right, because I'm still holding onto the dream that Asher will come back to me.
A few days into the month of May, I startle awake with my entire stomach cramping, bed damp with sweat. It takes a minute for my confusion to disappear before I realize I'm in Evelyn's guest room. I've been staying with her while Charlie's band plays a week-long festival stopping in several European countries. She claimed she wanted me around to help with the girls, even though she's the most put-together mother on the planet. Deep down, I know she's paranoid that I'll go into labor when I'm alone as she delivered Mia in the back of a cab with our sister-in-law, Katie.
Glancing out the windows to see it's still pitch dark, I decide I couldn't have been sleeping for very long. I waddle into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water, stopping along the way to admire family portraits they had taken shortly after Olivia was born with the Brooklyn Bridge in the background. A blend of jealousy and longing thickens in my veins with the site of Charlie's arm slung around my sister, lips pressed to the top of her head as he's holding Mia on his hip.
It's my fault I don't have that with Asher. The only thing I can do at this point is to give my child the best upbringing imaginable, filled with love and happiness. My mom was a big believer that anything meant to be would happen on its own time, no matter what paths we choose.
"Tee-tee?"
The little voice, scratchy with sleep and confusion, tugs at my heartstrings. It's Mia's little nickname given to me when Evelyn started referring to me as "Auntie." Grinning, I take a moment to study my sweet niece, imagining what it would be like to have a girl with the same Shirley Temple curls, and angelic face. Wearing little footie pajamas with a print of puppies and kitties playing together, she rubs a pudgy fist into her eye, seemingly on the verge of tears.
All at once I'm grateful life brought me down this path so I could get to know her and my other nieces and nephews so early on. With any luck, they'll never remember a time growing up when I wasn't around.
"What's the matter, baby girl?" I bend to scoop her up, pressing a kiss against her chubby cheek. "Can't you sleep either?"
A forced little sigh falls from her cherry-colored lips, and she leans against me, arms held behind her back. Thinking she may be the most dramatic Kendall yet, I giggle to myself. The sound sticks in my throat with another ferocious cramp. I slap a hand against the wall, pressing my lips together through the searing pain.
Mia taps my cheek with a soft hand. "Tee-tee?"
"It's okay," I tell her, smiling through gritted teeth. "I think your new cousin is coming out to play very soon."
Whether or not I'm ready for this, it's showtime.
15
Asher
On the red-eye to Newark, I'm vibrating with so much energy that one of the flight attendants appears seconds away from alerting the captain there's a psycho on board. I'm genuinely surprised when I order a whiskey to calm my nerves, and she actually serves it to me.