“I was gone. If I could do anything over in my life, that would be it. I was a shell of a person for a few years there, and they were vital years for you. I know I failed you then,” she said, reaching her hand across the table to grasp Megan’s. She squeezed back. She wasn’t mad at her mom. The time for anger had passed long ago. “I’m glad you had Travis, though. You two were amazing kids, and you really took care of yourselves during a time when I wasn’t capable of it.”
“I wish you were there for us. I do. And there’s nothing that scares me more in the whole world than becoming like that.”
Her mom quirked up an eyebrow in question.
“I love you, but I don’t want to be like you,” Megan said and took a sip of her tea. The simple physical act of drinking the hot beverage kept her steady as they talked.
“Why would you be like me? You’re strong, and you’ve made it pretty much clear to the entire world that you’re not going to make the same mistake.”
The word pierced her. Mistake. Was Becker a mistake? If he was, she could let him go. She could be on her bike right now, riding to Portland, finishing up the final details of the calendar from the next state. But she hadn’t managed to cross the California border yet. The wings on her feet weren’t working as well as they used to. They were heavier, keeping her rooted here.
The weight of the admission was heavy on her shoulders as she whispered, “I already have.”
Her mom squeezed her hand harder, her eyes full of warmth. “Am I to understand that means you’ve fallen for a firefighter?”
Megan had never been one to lie to her mom or to hold things back from her. When her mom had come out on the other side of depression, Megan had been right there, ready for her. She told her nearly everything about Becker. She spilled the details of her heart, how he made her feel, how he understood her hopes and dreams, how he encouraged her, how he made her laugh, and most of all, how very much he cared. Her mom scooted her chair closer and wrapped a comforting arm around her daughter’s shoulders. “He sounds pretty fantastic,” she said.
“He is,” Megan croaked out. “That’s the problem.”
Her mom nodded sympathetically. “I know. Believe me, I know. Your father was magic to me and I loved him with every ounce of my heart and soul. It’s not easy loving a man like that, is it?”
A lone tear streaked down Megan’s cheek. She batted the mutinous thing away and shook her head in answer.
“But as heartbroken as I was, as devastated as I was, I wouldn’t have traded a day with your father. You need to know that, sweetie.” Her mom placed a gentle hand on her chin and made Megan look at her. “I know I wasn’t there for you. I know I checked out, I know I wasn’t around when you needed me to be, and I’m so very sorry. But if it weren’t for your dad, I wouldn’t have you and Travis, and you guys are the best things that ever happened to me. Life can’t be scripted and it can hardly even be planned. And you can’t control who you fall for. Sometimes, you just have to take the risk.”
Her mother’s words were soft and tender, yet they cut her more sharply than a knife, more deeply than all those lonely nights without Jason when he’d been off loving something more than her. But here was a man who was so much more than Jason. Who’d run into a building to fight a fire.
She let her choices unfold in front of her. Should she take the risk or let him pass her by? She’d felt so certain when she fled from his house, but now after talking to her mom, she wanted to find a way to be okay with the risk, with the choice she longed to make. She desperately wanted to choose him over fear, but she’d spent so much of her life packing ice around her heart so she could avoid pain.
“You think I should take this risk, then?”
“That’s entirely up to you. But all I will tell you is this,” her mom added. “Do I wish I had more time with your father? Yes. Do I regret the time we had? Never. Not a moment of it. He was worth it.”
Funny, how after all her walls, all her rules, all her rigid guidelines about not getting involved with a fireman, it turned out what she needed most was a man like Becker. The fact that she’d been the only one to say “I’m in love with you” barely crossed her mind. She knew he felt the same. She was as certain of his feelings as she was of her own.
How stupid had she been to run? How foolish did she have to be to leave him a note saying “I love you, but good-bye”? She was going to prove that she was worthy of him too. She couldn’t just show up on his doorstep and say she was sorry. No, she was going to show him that she was done running, and that she was hooked.