Melt For Him(48)

“It was the same,” she said, threading her fingers more tightly through his. Her touch warmed him all over, loosening another layer of pain he’d wrapped himself in.

He shrugged helplessly. “Maybe I could have grabbed Sawyer harder when the wall was falling. I don’t know, Megan,” he said, looking her in the eyes. Hers were rimmed with sadness, like his, he was sure. Only there was a certainty in her gaze that he didn’t possess, but wanted to. “I don’t know anymore. I will never know.” He stopped and took a deep breath. “So that’s what happened in Chicago.”

He’d done it. He’d told the story he rarely told. He’d managed to get through it without his chest caving in or his soul dying a little more. He’d survived once more.

Now that he was finished, she petted his hair with her other hand, and he was dangerously close to letting go of all the walls he’d built up, because of this. Because of her, nestled in the corner of his bar with him, in this small town that had somehow become his new home. Listening, touching, soothing.

“And you feel guilty because you’re alive,” she said softly.

He nodded, looking at his hands as he talked. “And because I didn’t save them.”

“But you couldn’t,” she said, in a strong, clear voice. “Because there was nothing you could have done differently. You did everything you could. You were safe, you took precautions, you did your job, and even so it still happened.”

He looked up at her, her hands still running through his hair. He didn’t want her to stop touching his hair. It felt too good, especially now, especially with this.

“There was nothing you could have done differently. Things just happen,” she said again. “It’s the risk you take in your job. It’s the chance you take. That sometimes you save, and sometimes you don’t. But a wall comes crumbling down in a five-alarm fire, and you’re lucky to be alive, Becker. That’s all that separates you from Sawyer and the chief. It’s not anything more than luck. It could just as easily have been Sawyer standing where you were. But it wasn’t, and for no reason other than luck. It’s not anyone’s fault that you’re still standing and they’re not. It’s random. It’s chaos. It’s the absolute unpredictability of life and circumstances and fate.”

She was so certain in her words, but so caring, and it was as if a rigid piece of his heart cracked a tiny bit, and in that space, he wanted to let her all the way in. “How can you be so wise? Because of your dad?”

She swallowed and nodded. Her eyes were wide and edged with tears, but her voice cut through the sadness. “I never even knew him. And it sucked, but I had no choice except to figure things out and keep on moving. Keep on living. My mom wasn’t the same then, Becker. She was a wreck, and Travis and I had to learn to make it through the day all on our own. That’s why we’re so close.”

“Do you miss your dad?”

“I miss the idea of him. But I also feel like he’s with me, the best parts of him,” she said, rubbing her hand against her tattoo.

His heart lurched toward her, and he immediately pressed his lips against her shoulder, lightly dusting her ink, then looked at her. “You’re probably going to think I’m crazy, but I saw an owl a few nights ago when I couldn’t sleep.”

She furrowed her brow at him. “Where was the owl?”

“On a branch in a tree in the backyard. I looked out the kitchen window and there it was. I don’t know why. And maybe this is crazy, but it made me think of you. But then, I was already thinking of you.”

“It’s the same for me. About you.”

“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, Megan. Not since that first night you came back to my house. Not since that time at the station. Not since we ran together. Not since you painted your body. Not since you walked into my life and showed up on the back porch of my bar. I can’t get you out of my head, and you’re the only thing that makes me feel like a fucking human being again, and not like some ghost stuck in the past.”

“The damage you’ve seen doesn’t have to define you, Becker,” she said, and he dipped his forehead to hers.

“I could say the same about you. Because I think that’s the real reason you don’t want to pursue anything serious with me. It’s not because of your brother. And it’s not because of your ex. It’s not even because you’re leaving town. It’s because of what I do, isn’t it?”

“I’ve always had a terrible fear of bar owners,” she teased.