"Hey, it's good to see you awake." He walks over to the bed, taking the spot where Lucy had been. The bed dips and I wince. "I'm so fucking sorry."
"For what?"
"I promised I'd protect you. I should have seen this coming. Everything that happened, everything he did to you, it's my fault." His voice cracks and he looks away.
I try to lift my arm to his face but it quickly falls back down, hitting the sheets with a soft thump. Cutter looks up at me. Not being able to touch him hurts.
I'll just have to do my best with words.
"None of this is your fault. Dylan was determined to get to me-whether it was now, or five years from now. Nothing could have stopped him." Just saying his name out loud causes an involuntary reaction in my body. I can hear his voice in my head, screaming; his laugh as he hurt me, taunting me.
I close my eyes tight and wait for the feeling to pass. When I'm in control again, I continue.
"So, can you tell me what the damage is? How long am I going to be stuck in this bed?" I try to make light of the situation but by the look on his face, Cutter isn't fooled.
"Doc said it's pretty bad. He couldn't do an X-ray here but there's no doubt that your foot and forearm were both broken. The casts will have to be on for six to eight weeks. The cuts and bruises will heal like normal." He pauses and I watch his Adam's apple bob as he swallows. "Do you know what happened to your back?"
His eyes study me as I shake my head. I remember him slicing into me but I have no idea what it looks like. "He carved the word … " His voice trails off as he takes my hand. Seeing how much this is hurting him, I almost want to tell him not to finish. That it doesn't matter because I'm here and he's here and I'm going to be okay.
But I need to know what he did.
"He carved the word whore into your lower back. Doc said the cuts are deep enough that it'll scar." His lips graze the back of my hand but his eyes stay on me as he watches me try to take it in.
For some strange reason, I hear Tracie's voice in my head, telling me there are two ways I can deal with this. I can tell Cutter everything that's going on inside my head, knowing it'll cut him to the core and leave scars that won't ever heal.
Or I can be an old lady.
"Well, I guess that means that Nikki will just have to take me to get my property tattoo sooner rather than later." I smile.
Act like it, until it becomes who you are.
I'm not sure Cutter feels the same.
He stands, hands linked behind his head, his mouth wide. "How can you joke about this? Look at what he did to you. He videoed himself with you and sent it to me. He hurt you to rub it in my face because I helped you leave. How can you not hate me?"
He paces the room, far enough that I can't reach out to him. I wish I could go to him and show him that I don't blame him for this, but I'm stuck in this damn bed.
"He poisoned you, and if the cocky sonofabitch hadn't bragged about it, I would have lost you. You spent the longest time throwing up last night. We had to force liquid charcoal down your throat to help fight any of the shit that might have been left." His hands scrub his face. "Watching you go through that, holding you down, hearing you scream in pain, seeing that fucking video, it killed me."
"Come here." My voice shakes from the pain in my body and the pain in my heart. I hate that he's blaming himself. "Lie down with me."
He looks torn. For the longest moment I think he's going to walk out and I'm not sure how I'll cope with that. Then he walks around the bed and joins me. "It's killing me seeing you lying here. Seeing you wince with each movement. Fuck."
I reach out to snatch his hand in mine, using it to tug him closer. "Listen to me, you're not to blame. If I need to tell you every minute of every day, I will. You saved me. I held onto you while I was there. A part of me knew that you would come for me-that you wouldn't let me down. That part's the only thing that kept me going."
He rests his forehead against mine. "When I saw you lying there, my heart stopped. I was so scared. I thought I was too late. I thought I lost you." His mouth presses against mine and although it hurts something awful, I hold back my cries, not wanting him to pull away.
"I love you."
"I love you, too, babe."
He kisses me again and I want to spend forever just like this. With him next to me, no one else.
"Do you need anything? Am I hurting you?" He pulls back and takes my shoulders, looking me over, his face etched with concern.