"Check your phone."
I walk over to the dresser and pick it up to see a message.
Cutter: Tracie has some crazy makeover idea. New clothes, hair, makeup. I know you have your outfit already. If you want to let her fix you up, I'm okay with it. You'll look great either way. Don't stress out, I'll see you soon.
Tracie holds the clothes out. Is this what I want?
I haven't thought about that for the longest time.
What do I want?
I want to be happy.
I want to be with Cutter.
I want to have friends.
I want to leave the old Jasmine behind.
I want to be Jaz.
Decision made, I take the clothes from her and offer her an apprehensive smile.
"You got this, girl."
Getting dressed into this outfit is kind of like putting on a costume-one I'm going to work until it erases every part of the old me. Feeling like this might be the first step in a whole new life for me, I pull on the lace panties, and bra, jeans, and shirt and when I look into the mirror I barely recognize myself.
The jeans are skin tight with rips on the thighs. The black shirt has the club logo on it, small slits cut over the chest area showing small areas of skin. My boobs are pushed up high, my cleavage poking out above the scooped neckline of the shirt. I immediately want to cross my arms over my chest, but I fight the instinct.
Taking a deep breath, I walk out of the bathroom to find Tracie, and now Lucy, standing in the room.
"Damn, girl, I am good." Tracie eyes me with approval and it might very well be one of the first times I've ever been on the receiving end of one of those looks. It's something I could get used to.
Lucy bumps me with her hip. "You look good. I came to make sure Tracie didn't have you walking out of here looking like one of the club girls." She laughs.
"Shut your mouth, I would never." Tracie shoves Lucy and I watch them intently, hoping that one day I'll be a part of their group. "Come sit and let's do your hair and makeup."
"I don't think she's been this excited since she got to go to town on me." Lucy shakes her head and I smile. If Tracie had a hand in Lucy's transformation, then I'm excited to see what they come up with if they work as a team.
Tracie holds up a straightening iron, wielding it like some sort of weapon. An inordinate amount of makeup covers Cutter's dresser. I hope I know what I'm getting myself into. I try imagining Cutter's face when he sees me. I want him to want me.
That might make me sound pathetic, but when you come out of something like I had, the biggest thing ever is feeling wanted and important to someone. I'm working on feeling good about myself, but having that reassurance from him would definitely help, especially if it makes me feel less like an outsider when I'm at the club. The girls here aren't exactly shift dress and sandal people.
Over the next two hours, Tracie works her magic. The excitement and anxiousness builds inside of me as she swipes something over my eyelids, followed by a dab of something else on my cheeks and a flick of something on my eyebrows.
My eyebrows!
I haven't worn a full face of makeup since high school, before Dylan, and I've never worn this amount. I gave up on my appearance, aside from what Dylan told me to do, because it felt like nothing I did made a difference so I spent years feeling ugly. Today I want to feel different.
While Tracie works on my face, Lucy tugs at my hair, pulling me this way and that way. A very odd smell fills the air at one stage and my heart begins to race. She leans over me and squeezes my shoulder. "All good, Jaz. Just breathe."
Just when my butt is starting to go numb, Tracie steps back and crosses her arms, looking me up and down, up and down, until I start to get a complex. She and Lucy have huge smiles on their faces. Suddenly Tracie steps back and takes a low bow. "I'm a genius."
With a deep breath, I pluck up the courage to turn around. Today I am making a promise to myself.
I am going to be the person I want to be.
I will do the things that I want to do.
I will be happy.
As the mirror reflects back the image of the new me, I freeze. My long dark hair hangs around my shoulders, the ends curled, it has a few dark red streaks through it. My eyes look huge, bright eye shadow contrasting with dark eyeliner. My lips are accentuated with a dark red lipstick. I walk forward almost not believing the person looking back is me.
"So the red is temporary. It'll wash out after about three shampoos. It's a spray I use for my roots, but it totally worked for your streaks. If you like it, we can always go to my girl and get it done."
I give Tracie a hug, not able to express my thanks in words. I feel like she's given me a new identity today, a new life. A feeling of belonging overwhelms me as I turn back to look at myself, closing my eyes and hoping that when Cutter comes back today he loves the new me as much as I do.