I take in what she's saying. Can I become whole again? Can I be like her? Strong and happy? Right now, it feels like that's so far out of reach, there's no point in trying.
I look up at her and when I meet her gaze it's like she sees me. No-she sees straight through me. Sees through the walls I've built up over the years. With that one glance she makes me feel like I can expose my soul to her. Like sharing some of what's going on inside my head might help.
"I don't know if I can do it. His voice . . . it's always there. I hear it with every move I make."
She shifts over on the couch, coming closer to take my hand in hers, and in that small act, I find strength. "I've lived like a robot for so long. I had my schedule, my expectations, and I did everything in my power to meet them. Being here with Cutter, having him not want anything from me . . . it feels so strange."
She nods. "Each day will get easier, though. Cutter is a good man, and he's willing to help you get through it."
"I can see him getting frustrated with me, and it scares me," I confess.
Her hand squeezes mine. "I get it. Frustration, disappointment, they've all led to pain for you before. As hard as it is to accept, his frustration isn't with you but with what's been done to you."
Someone knocks on the door and Lucy gets up to answer it.
Sitting alone on the couch, my life in pieces all around me, I try to digest the things I have learned today about the club and Cutter. I try to accept that there might be a way I can get better, even though it seems impossible.
"Shit."
I hear her curse from the kitchen before she runs back to the couch to get her phone.
"Get me Cutter or Whip, now." She says into the phone and a pit opens up in my stomach.
This can't be good.
Chapter Fifteen
Cutter
Wrench's room is tucked at the back of the club, out of earshot and eyesight. The whole room is filled with computers, printers, all sorts of techy shit that I have no clue about. Among it is some of the latest tracking and surveillance gear, not entirely legally obtained. The club functions on hard work and connections. Someone does you a favor, you're into them for a marker. Trading markers is part of this world.
I need to see if he has found out where that asshole is hiding. When I track him down, he's in his usual place at the desk, typing away on the computer.
"You got anything for me?"
He spins in the chair, the look on his face answering me. "I only looked for an hour before Pres gave me a different assignment. He also said you can't have us using club resources and providing protection for a girl who ain't yours."
Anger fills every inch of my body. "Bull-fucking-shit. She works for us. She's entitled to protection."
"While she's at the club, yes, not in the way you want, brother, sorry. You want any more, you gotta take it up with Pres. Otherwise, let it go." He moves out from behind the desk and holds the door open. "Let's get to church."
Like fuck I am letting this go. I need to find out where Dylan is. I know that he won't accept her leaving him and I want to get to him before he tries to get to her.
It's a full house today. I take my seat toward the head of the table with the other officers, resting my chin on my hands when Pres bangs the gavel.
"Don't know who they are, or what they want, but some fuckers are messing with our runs. Wrench is working on it, but we don't have much to go off. Our last run was hijacked, but luckily everyone got away and the product was secured. We are not on lockdown . . . yet. If this shit escalates, it might lead to one."
The murmurs around the table start as we all anticipate what this could mean. We've had our share of turf wars and battles with other clubs, but things have been quiet recently-something most of us have enjoyed. None of us want the shit storm that brings again.
"Second order of business-" A knock on the door sounds. Pres looks around the room. "One of you get up and see what the fuck is so important that they are interrupting church." One of the prospects walks in, looking like his balls are about to shrivel up and die. "You make it a point to interrupt important shit?"
"Whip's old lady's on the phone. She said they got problems and to get him or Cutter."
I'm out of my chair and over to him before he's even finished talking, snatching the phone out of his hand. "Luce?"
"You need to get here now. There's a delivery, and it ain't the takeout I ordered. I'm thinking this was her prick husband." The shake in her voice gives her away.
"Fuck, on my way." I give the prospect back his phone and look up at Pres.
"Church ain't over." He's glaring. I can't disrespect him in front of the brothers. I also need to leave, now.