"Tell me, now." It's not a request.
I clear my throat, trying to make my voice sound stronger than I feel. "As hard as life was with Dylan, I knew what to expect. Since being here, everything is a guessing game. My mind is constantly racing; overanalyzing everything I do or say. I don't want to disappoint you, or have you tire of me like he did. When I see that pizza all I can think about is how I haven't worked out lately, and that I don't want to gain weight and be undesirable." Remembering his rule, I don't look away from him even though I want to. "Or any more undesirable."
Cutter's hands cup my cheeks and the contact feels foreign to me. His touch is soft and gentle, nothing like what I'm used to.
"Listen to me and accept what I'm saying. You have never been and could never be undesirable. I will not get tired of having you here. I know you need direction because of how things used to be and I can give that to you, but don't ever think twice about eating with me. I want you healthy. Eventually, I want to be the one to make you happy."
A tear slips from my eye before I can stop it. Looking into his eyes, I know that he's telling me the truth; although, what he's saying seems so unbelievable. He wants to make me happy? I don't remember the last time that my happiness was a priority.
He smiles at me and his hands drop from my face. "Now eat my food until you're so full it hurts to move."
I feel like that might be one of the best things anyone has ever said to me.
Chapter Twelve
Cutter
Her hesitation gutted me.
When I look at her I struggle not to see my mom, cowering in the corner, my dad hovering over her. Even after he was gone, she was never the same. A ghost in a woman's body. Having Jasmine here, everything about that time is thrust back into the limelight: the loneliness I felt even when she was in the same room, the underlying anger at everything she was still doing despite being free, the smell of the rain pouring down on me as I stood at her grave.
I lost it after that. I managed to get my hands on a police scanner and every time a domestic violence call was answered but not handled, I took care of that shit. It's where my name came from. Men who hit women deserve to never have one again. I'd wait till the night came and go into the house. Before the asshole knew what was happening I'd have him begging me for mercy as I cut off the thing that he thought made him a man. It's how I got my name. Our old president, Shooter, found me after a job one night. Apparently the club had been trying to figure out who was behind it. I agreed to not go rogue anymore and they all welcomed me into their family.
I will not let Jasmine spiral. She won't be overcome by the darkness. She'll survive this.
I promise.
With two pieces of pizza on her plate, she walks back over to the couch. Her movements are still slow and careful. Perhaps I should offer her some Advil? I don't want to seem like I'm hounding her, but maybe that's what she needs. Knowing what to do is so fucking hard. I load up my plate and grab a couple breadsticks for her. When I walk over I put them on her plate. "You forgot these." She smiles at me and sinks her teeth into a slice.
How he could have treated her the way he did I'll never understand. He stole the light from inside of her, and I'm making it my mission to put it back little by little, day by day. When Lucy told me I had to become my worst nightmare to bring her out of this I wasn't sure if I could do it. The more time I spend with her I know that I'll do anything I can for her.
My phone buzzes.
Twisted: Heard your girl is having a rough time. Let me know if you need anything. Church tomorrow at noon.
Me: Not my girl, but thanks.
Twisted: Whatever you say, brother. Whip said you got the look in your eyes already. Shit happens faster than you can blink sometimes.
Sharing stories is part of the brotherhood. Years of information and experience passed down from generation to generation, and not all of them are designed to scare the shit out of us. Twisted's always said he knew from the first night he met Nikki that she'd eventually be his. Whip said the same thing about Lucy. When Jasmine walked into the club, it was like I could feel my heart pounding double-time, my body letting me know that something was up before I even saw her. An invisible force, pulling me to her.
Growing up I never really knew what a healthy relationship was. The only things I knew were pain, abuse, and misery. No one in my position would want a relationship after seeing my parents. The idea of a healthy relationship wasn't ever something that I considered.
Dishes clang in the kitchen. I follow the sound and see Jasmine wash her plate, dry it, and then place it in the cabinet. Her movements are robotic and that has nothing to do with her injuries. It's what she's been trained to do. I can't help but wonder if she ever wanted to leave him. If there was a time when she had enough.