Shame swirled in my heart as I realized just how fucking small Earth truly was, and how much smaller still our superstitious, frightened intellects.
I lifted my gaze to each of my mates and let my regret, my understanding flow to each of them through our shared bond. "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."
They both shifted, as if trying to decide exactly what to say to me now that I was no longer fighting them, no longer resisting the truth of my new life. Seeing Mara's mate solidified this. Whatever Earth's doubts were, they were no longer mine. I knew the truth. I saw it firsthand. I believed the Coalition. I believed my mates.
I would need to contact the agency as soon as possible, let them know what was going on out here. The truth.
The comm unit in medical beeped, followed by a voice I recognized as that of Captain Trist. "Commander, we need you on deck. We've got Hive scout ships coming at us from three systems."
Grigg looked at me and I nodded, waving him away. I was fine. They needed him to keep us all safe. While Rav saved lives in the medical unit, Grigg saved lives by commanding, leading. Running the ship, the squadron. All of us.
"Go. They need you."
He nodded once, then turned on his heel and left me with Rav.
The saved warrior moved, a soft groan leaving his throat as I leaned over him. His eyes flickered open and I felt my own gaze widen at the bright glimmer of silver that ringed his irises, the effect similar to photos I'd seen of a solar eclipse.
"Mara." The warrior called for his mate, but his gaze was squarely on me, and I looked nothing like the tall, orange-and-golden female who belonged to him.
"She's coming."
"Mara!" His back arched and instinctively I reached for his hand to offer comfort. His grip nearly crushed my fingers, but I held firm and placed my free hand on his forehead.
"Shhh. You're okay. Mara is coming."
"Mara." He went limp as I held him, his gaze locked on my face but seeing another's as I stroked the hair from his forehead in what I hoped was a soothing caress.
A shudder raced from his spine, extending to his limbs and suddenly Rav was there, pulling me backward, away from the warrior who twisted and contorted with pain on the table.
"What's happening to him?"
"He's dying." Rav settled me against his chest but didn't force me to turn away. I couldn't look away as the gadgets lining his arm oozed like someone had pumped acid into the metal, cooking it off his body from the inside out. His flesh bubbled and churned as well, as if he were boiling on the inside.
Nausea rose and I choked back bile as his rib cage collapsed, his chest imploded in some horrific scene I'd never imagined existed outside a horror movie. Tears streaked down my face and Rav lifted me off my feet, finally turning me away, placing his big, warm, safe body between me and the dreadful story playing out on the table behind him. "All right, Amanda, that's enough."
I breathed him in, shaking like a leaf. I'd wanted to know, and now I did. God help me.
The smell of the warrior's churning flesh clogged my head and I gagged, grasping desperately at Rav's uniform. "I can't breathe."
"Get him out of here before his mates arrive." Rav gave the order over his shoulder as he shuffled me out of the room. Before we reached the door I stumbled and he swooped me up, cradling me in his arms as he carried me back toward the small exam room where I'd first met him and Grigg.
By the time the door closed behind us, I was shaking.
"Hush, mate. It's all right."
"He … he bubbled."
Rav cursed. "I'm sorry, Amanda. I tried to warn you."
And he had, my compassionate Rav. He had argued with Grigg, tried to keep the sight from me. He'd known how bad it would be, they both had.
Rav sat in a chair, settling me across his lap as I tried to focus on his scent, his heat, the strength of the arms that held me tightly to him. I gripped his shirt, held on, as if he would anchor me. I breathed him in until my stomach settled and I could think again.
"No. I needed to know. I had to see for myself." I reached up and placed a tender kiss on his neck, wrapping my arms around his waist, pressing my cheek to his chest as I held him close. Squeezed him, afraid he would set me aside and return to his duty, as Grigg had been forced to do. So many people depended on my mates. And what was I? Nothing. A distraction. A weak female who, right now, would sell her soul if that's what it took to be held by one of her mates, just like this.
Perhaps I had, sold my soul, that is. I hadn't been matched because I'd wanted mates. I'd been matched because I was a spy. I'd been one for years. But as I held Rav, I realized I truly had lost my soul somewhere along the way. I had nothing and no one in my life. I'd been married to my job, unable to trust, unwilling to risk being hurt. But now, now I had Grigg and Rav, and Rav felt so very good and solid and real. So much better than the cold comfort of the United States government.
"How many times have you had to go through that? Does it happen a lot?"
"Watching a good man die?"
"Yes."
"Myntar was number two-hundred and seventy-three. But most who are taken by the Hive are never recovered. We end up fighting them on the field of battle, not here, in a medical station," Rav grumbled, as my mind reeled-he kept track? Each life so precious that he never wanted to forget? "And I'm not happy you had to see it even once."
I sighed, then breathed him in. "I know. I'm sorry I'm so stubborn. I'm sorry. I'm nobody, Rav. So many people need you, you and Grigg. I shouldn't even be here. I'm just a distraction for you. A pain in the ass you don't need. God, I'm sorry. For everything."
Rav lifted his hand to my neck, his giant palm sliding under my jaw and gently raising my face to his. "Never apologize again. You are perfect. I love your fire, your strong mind. I need you, mate. Grigg needs you. Before you, we were both lost."
They were lost? That was almost laughable. They had purpose.
"No, Rav. You're both so strong, so much responsibility on your shoulders. You don't need me here, distracting you. I've been such an idiot. All I've done is make things worse, more complicated, for both of you."
His lips lowered to mine, lingered in a soft caress more reverent than sexual. His mouth was soft and warm, gentle. Tears filled my eyes as his complete devotion, adoration and a desperate longing to be loved filled me through our connection. He was hurting from Myntar's death, too, but didn't show it. I had the luxury of the collar to make me aware of his pain, of his need for me, I was the one to ease him, to love him.
"Conrav." I whispered his name, lifting my arms to bury my fingers in his hair as I pulled him to me, pulled his face to my neck, cuddling him as I sensed he needed, my huge warrior mate. He did need me, he'd not simply said the words to soothe me or convince me to stay.
I held him close, running my fingers through his hair over and over in a soothing gesture, loving him the best I could. His pale gold hair was like tiny strands of silk between my fingers. "Your hair is so soft."
That earned me a chuckle as his gentle hands slid up and down my spine in a comforting glide. "I need you, Amanda. We both need you. Neither of us are good at expressing our feelings with words. So thank the gods for the collars." He kissed me. "Yes, I love fucking you, I love your body, your wet pussy, the sounds you make when we're loving you, but it's so much more than that. I need you like this, soft and gentle. I need to feel your love around me soothing the fires that rage in my soul. To heal me, even when I'm not truly hurt. I need to hold you and be still, just like this. Grigg needs it too, even more than I do. His rage is like a volcano inside him. We need you. Gods, please, Amanda. You can't leave us."
I'd never considered staying forever, even when I knew I couldn't go home, my mind hadn't wrapped around the idea of committing to my mates, of choosing them. But they'd just given me everything I'd asked for, everything I needed to be free, to make my own choice. For years now my life had been my job and nothing but the job. I'd had no options. But now, the choice was clear. And in that moment I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, exactly what that choice was going to be.
"I'm not going anywhere. You're mine, Rav. You and Grigg are mine." My voice was stronger now that I was resolved. Sure. "I need to contact Earth, tell them what I've seen here. They need to know the truth."
"They won't listen." Rav lifted his head from my shoulder and met my gaze. "We tried to tell them. We showed them cadavers of warriors like Myntar, showed them images of battles, of Hive scouts, their Integration Units. All of it."
I stiffened, rage rising to choke me. "You what?" They'd told me none of this. Cadavers? Video of Hive installations and ships, of Hive soldiers in active combat.
"We gave them all the proof they could need. They aren't interested in listening."
While I didn't want to believe it, I knew Rav spoke the truth. I didn't need the surety of his words coming through the collar to make me believe. "If they had the proof, then why did they send me out here? What do they want?"
Rav placed a gentle kiss on my lips, his gaze cloudy. "I don't know, mate. You tell me."
Oh, I knew all right. Weapons. They wanted weapons. Technology. Anything that would get them ahead in their battle for domination of our little blue planet. My presence here wasn't about the Coalition at all, or the arrival of the spacemen. It was all about Earth's petty wars, the never-ceasing struggle for power.