Pausing only to wrap his knuckles, Jasper eyed the bag hungrily. He was angry about so many things – about his near defeat, about his bad knee, and about the constant war which raged inside him over Kait. He wanted her, truly he did, but he also wanted to remain a champion, and he knew he couldn't have both.
He smacked a fist against the bag, and it shook on its hook. The shock of the impact travelled up his arm, and it felt good. Jasper punched the bag again and again. His bad knee throbbed in protest as he bounced upon it, but he ignored it. He had to push through the pain; there was no other way he could go back into the ring again. He had to be strong; he had to remain on top.
He jabbed sharply at the punching bag. Again and again. Sweat ran in rivers down his back, but he didn't stop. He did a sharp undercut and then a left jab. He punched the bag so hard that if it were a person he'd have risked breaking ribs against their heart. Panting, Jasper punched harder and faster. The more he hit, the less he thought. He was able to get lost in the power of the brute force he was exerting.
Exhaustion crept up on him and blurred his vision, but still he hit the bag. He didn't even know what time it was or how long he'd been punching at it. He tried not to think about Kait. He hated how she could turn an amazing evening into yet another fight. Jasper was sick and tired of fighting. He felt like all he did these days was fight. His life within the ring was bleeding out to all the other areas, and he hated it.
He hated the disappointed look Kait gave him each time he left her apartment. But what was he supposed to do? Carl had been very clear about her not coming around. But Jasper couldn't stay away. She'd become like a drug he needed to have a hit of no matter what the consequences. Was their relationship toxic?
More punches. Jasper was hammering the bag now.
If it was toxic for him, it must be just as bad for Kait. Each time they parted, he saw the pain behind her eyes, the disappointment in her gaze. She wanted more from him, deserved more, but he had nothing left to give. Every ounce of himself was being spent each time he entered the ring.
He punched harder so that the bag shook and dust spewed out from it.
Carl was always telling Jasper what to do, telling him how to live his life. All he cared about was winning. Jasper could feel his bad knee threatening to buckle beneath him. He should have gone to hospital; he should have ignored Carl. But instead he'd pushed through just like always, and where was that getting him? Jasper had read the comments online. People were laughing at him, fans were questioning if his days as a champion were now numbered. And so was he. Each time he went down, it was becoming increasingly harder to get back up.
Gritting his teeth, Jasper smacked against the bag with all he had. The fabric split, and the sawdust contents spewed out on to the gym floor. Panting, Jasper stepped back from it, coughing as some of the dust gathered in his chest.
He dropped down on to a nearby bench and let his head fall between his knees. He was exhausted. His entire body throbbed with lack of energy. Slowly, Jasper moved his hands so that he could examine his knuckles. Dark blood had soaked through the protective bandages he'd previously placed around them. Wincing, Jasper began to unwind the fabric. Once his knuckles were exposed, he saw that they were red raw and weeping. Sighing, he opened and closed his fingers, feeling the burn of resistance each time he did so.
He'd pushed too hard. This is what Kait drove him to. She made him a mad man. Jasper remained on the bench not wanting to move. Not only was he exhausted, but his body was also heavy with regret. The worst part of what Kait said was that she was right. She did deserve more. She deserved to be in a real relationship. Jasper knew how achingly frustrating it was to be in a one-sided relationship; he'd been in one with fighting since he was a young man. Didn't he also deserve to be loved and cherished by someone?
Jasper considered reaching for his phone and calling Kait, but she was probably asleep by now. Besides, what would he say? He feared he'd pushed their relationship to a point where "sorry" would no longer be enough, but he didn't want to lose her. Clenching his sore hands together, Jasper wilted against the bench. He wished that there was some way of knowing what to do. He felt like he was fumbling around in the dark without any guidance, and worst of all, he wasn't even sure he wanted to be a champion anymore, not when the cost to be one was so alarmingly high.
Chapter 63
Wiping her eyes, Kait gathered herself up off the floor and tightened the towel which wrapped around her. Anger soon replaced sorrow. Why did Jasper keep repeatedly treating her so badly? Maybe they truly were done. Maybe she did just need to walk away from him and never look back.
But still …
Kait couldn't stop seeing him as the heroic man who saved her that night when her life was in peril. He had emerged from the shadows as bold and brave as any comic book superhero. Without any regard for himself, he had saved her, and in that moment, Kait had fallen for him.
"It's just because he saved you," Anna had brushed off her friend's infatuation with Jasper countless times. "It's just hero worship or something. You'll get over it."
But Kait wasn't so sure. Jasper was like an infection which had managed to get into her system, and now she couldn't get rid of him; there was no cure. Despite all his cruel words and harsh actions, she still ached when she watched him leave. Thinking about him never coming back made Kait feel like she was drowning in a bottomless pool.
Jasper wasn't the cruel, cold hearted man he was appearing to be. He couldn't be. That kind of man didn't save strangers.
"Come back to me Jasper," Kait whispered towards the closed door through which he'd previously stormed off. She wanted her Jasper back, the gentle giant she knew he could be. She just didn't know anymore how she was supposed to get him back.
Defeated, she headed towards her bedroom where she collapsed against the bed and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.
Chapter 64
Jasper popped several more tablets in to his mouth hoping that they'd have some effect on the pain which was currently surging through every inch of his body. His night spent pummeling the punch bag had been a mistake. His knuckles were still red raw the following morning, and he knew that neither Carl nor his trainer would be impressed. Yet again, he'd let them down. Lately he was letting everyone down, including himself.
"You've got this," he told himself as he washed down the tablets with a long swig of ice cold water from a bottle freshly sourced from his large refrigerator.
"Ready to kill it today?" Carl was already in the hallway, standing expectantly beside the door.
"You bet," Jasper did his best to sound upbeat, but he knew it was just a matter of time until Carl clocked his beaten knuckles.
"Woah," Carl reached out for one of his hands, turning it over to assess the damage. "What happened here?"
"I got a little over enthusiastic with a punching bag last night," Jasper shrugged.
"I'll say." Carl agreed as he dropped his hand. Jasper waited for the anger, for the discipline, but Carl remained quiet. There was almost something approving about his silence.
"You're not mad?" Jasper felt forced to prompt him for a response when one wasn't readily given.
"No," Carl shook his head and opened the front door. "If anything, it's nice to see some of your fierce energy coming back. I was worried for a moment that you were spent."
Chapter 65
Sadly, Jasper had no fierce energy left to give at the gym. He lifted weights, did squats, and jumped rope, but it all just felt like going through the motions. Perhaps his pain medication had made him overly numb. Feeling detached, he sat for a moment and wiped the sweat from the back of his neck.
"Your mind is elsewhere today," his trainer noted, his tone lacking the harsh edge it usually held.
"Yeah," Jasper agreed with a sigh. "Sorry."
"What made you go mad at the bag like you did?" His trainer glanced at his bloodied knuckles. Jasper leaned back on the bench and shook his head.
"You don't want to know."
"That means it's a woman," his trainer laughed wryly. "Which also means I should know be berating you for letting the fairer sex get in your head. Once there, all they do is mess up your thoughts, and you need to be focused right now. But you already knew that."