If only his father had had those thoughts before he’d indulged in the affair with his mother, before he’d sired two sons within months. If only wouldn’t help and he was damn sure he wouldn’t be like his father. Whatever it took, he would be there for his child and right now that meant taking Lisa to see a doctor and reassuring himself that she and the baby were well.
‘Why don’t I believe you?’ Her voice had softened and he sensed she was giving in.
‘Whatever happened in our past has to be put aside, Lisa, for our child’s sake.’ He lowered his voice and moved a little closer to her, pleased she was no longer standing rigid as if preparing for battle. If anything she looked as if she wanted to be kissed, to be reminded of the passion that had brought them together so spectacularly in the first place.
‘But can you really do that for a child you so obviously don’t want? Can you rise to the challenge of fatherhood?’ She looked up at him and her eyes glittered, not with the anger of earlier, but if he wasn’t mistaken with unshed tears.
‘I am not going to deny that it will be a challenge, that it is the one thing I never wanted,’ he began, choosing his words carefully, just as she had. Using the word challenge had been strategic to say the least and now he would take on that challenge. ‘But I will be there for my child, Lisa.’
‘And what about me, our marriage? Us?’ He refused to be slain by the guilt her words propelled at him and instead reached out to push her hair back from her face, allowing the backs of his fingers to brush down her cheek. Her lashes fluttered and very briefly her eyes closed. Then the moment was gone. The in-control Lisa was back in play. ‘There is no us.’
‘Once there was and there will be again, for our child’s sake. We should spend Christmas together.’ He looked into her eyes as he spoke, recalling all the plans they’d made during their first Christmas as a married couple when they had been on honeymoon in the sunshine. He’d learnt his new bride longed for a traditional Christmas in a cottage complete with log fires, but he’d never envisaged spending their next Christmas like this.
She stepped back from him and his touch, determination in her eyes. ‘I will give you until New Year’s Eve, by which time I am sure you will be asking, no, demanding that I leave—and I will.’
There was fierceness in her voice, but it matched the strength that ran through him. She’d laid down the gauntlet, challenged him to be the one thing he’d never wanted to be. Was she pushing him, using tactics to force him to look his past in the eye and own it?
‘New Year’s Eve?’
‘Yes,’ she said firmly.
‘Very well, we have a deal. We will remain man and wife—until New Year’s Eve.’
CHAPTER FOUR
FOR THE LAST two days Lisa had followed the doctor’s advice and had rested. She’d given into Max’s demands and stayed at his apartment, the one they’d lived in as a married couple, which played more than she cared to admit on her nerves. Max had veered from being tense, more like an animal confined to a cage it didn’t want to be in, to showing concern for her. Today, with just two more days until Christmas Eve, Lisa was beginning to regret agreeing to stay until New Year’s Eve. It seemed so far away.
She knew Max wasn’t going to change. He didn’t have any feelings for her. Never had. That was why their marriage had failed. He couldn’t give her his love so would he be able to love his child? She really hoped he could after he’d given her a small hope that they could be the perfect family she’d yearned for since she’d seen how families really lived, and loved, when she’d gone to stay with her best friend at school.
Memories of Max’s words, just six months ago, took her back to the day those dreams had crashed around her. It had been at a glamorous summer party in the grounds of a sumptuous house and they had been talking with friends. Friends who had casually dropped into conversation the question of children. As they’d walked away she’d turned and smiled up at him, but the dark look on his face had halted any words.
He’d stood there, with clenched hands and glittering dark eyes. ‘I can’t give you what you want, Lisa.’
‘What is it I want?’ Instinct of self-preservation had as usual kicked in and she’d instantly hidden away behind her defence wall.
‘Love and happy ever after.’ The words were forced out between gritted teeth. ‘That’s what you want, isn’t it?’
‘Of course it is.’ That had been her response then and it was still the same now.
‘I want love, Max, and a happy ever after, which now includes children, and it seems that you are not the man to live this dream with.’ A spike of hurt charged through her, but she kept her righteous stance. ‘You were right. We should not have married.’
Fog clouded over the memories of the day her world had fallen apart and, fed up with resting, Lisa got up from the chair and picked up the scan image that Max had barely looked at before leaving it on the coffee table. That cursory glance had been as hurtful as his cold and unyielding face the moment the image of their child had appeared on the screen at the private clinic he’d insisted she went to.
What was she going to do? How could she have allowed herself to be talked into this charade, this pretence that everything was going to be just fine? As the questions flowed through her mind in a turbulent rush the nausea returned, bringing with it this time sheer panic.
‘You should be resting.’ Max’s accented voice cut through her thoughts and she looked up at him, the image he created as he dominated the entire room, and as usual made her heart skip a beat. She didn’t want to feel anything for him. That would only lead to more disappointment and pain. For her and her baby.
‘I can’t do this any more, Max.’ The words rushed out, desperate to be heard, believed.
‘I’m not having this discussion now. You need to rest.’ The tension in his body was palpable, but she didn’t heed its warning.
He’d confessed that love and happiness were not on his radar, so what else could be making him so cold and distant? News of his brother? Her conscience reminded her that the very same day, even the very same moment she’d told him he was to be a father, he’d seen the true extent of his father’s treachery emblazoned across the headlines. Wouldn’t that be enough to make any man fear the idea of fatherhood? Well, there was no way she was going to give him the satisfaction of beating down her dreams, of accusing her of things she didn’t do—would never do.
‘I’m pregnant, not ill.’ The fierceness of her voice surprised her as much as it did Max if the quick rise of his brows was anything to go by. ‘I should be at work.’
The distance between them seemed to open up and the luxury of his living room became a vast ocean. One she no longer wanted to cross, not when she had no idea what waited for her on the other side. He was the one holding out on her, holding back his emotions. If he forced her to stay she’d keep up the pretence of cold indifference, guard her heart well, until New Year’s Eve and then she would leave. At least she could never be accused of not trying to involve him in his son or daughter’s life.
‘No, Lisa, you should not. If you return to work, it will not be until after New Year and only when I am satisfied you are perfectly well.’ The command and control in his voice were clear and she tried hard to fight the need to rebel, the need to revert once again to the capricious teenager she’d hidden behind.
‘I can’t stay here like a pampered princess. That’s not me, Max. I need to be out doing something.’ She swung round and glared at him, instantly regretting the fast movement as her head spun. ‘Like buying a Christmas tree.’
‘A Christmas tree?’ He looked perplexed and if she weren’t feeling so headstrong she might have laughed at him then kissed him. But that was before she’d discovered who he really was. Actions such as those belonged to the short and very false marriage they’d shared.
‘Of course, a Christmas tree. It’s only a matter of days until Christmas and there isn’t one bit of sparkle and cheer in this apartment.’
‘I don’t do Christmas.’ He glowered at her.
‘Too emotional for you?’ She prodded him, like the mouse that just couldn’t leave the sleeping cat alone. ‘What about visiting family? Do you indulge in that?’
The thought of staying here locked away in an apartment that didn’t have any hint of Christmas in it was too much. She loved Christmas. It was the one time of year she felt hope, felt that dreams could come true. She loved the magic of the season even though it had never reached inside her childhood home. Now she was trapped here with a man who didn’t believe in love or the festive season. How had she ever fallen for a man so opposite to her?
Because he never revealed his true self.
‘Visit family?’ He crossed the room toward her and even though they were physically closer the distance between them seemed as vast as it had when he’d walked into the room. ‘Do you need to visit your family?’
Shock hit her like icy water. Visit her family? She wished now they had talked more before their short marriage, wished that she’d confided in him about her past, one she’d always strived to hide. But she hadn’t been able to tell him how much she resented her mother for the unsettled childhood she and her older stepbrother had experienced. How she now blamed her mother for all the trouble he had got into? She hadn’t wanted to taint what she and Max had found by sharing the darkness of her childhood with him. Better it stayed hidden away.