“I suspected that might be the case.” Sandra shook her head, giving me a sympathizing smile. “Dearest, Kat. You’re an overachiever in every part of your life, including empathy and—yes—guilt.”
“I’m an overachiever?”
Sandra gave me a bitch, please look and snorted. “You know you’re an overachiever. You’re living two lives, maybe two and a half. You go to school, you work full time, you fly back and forth to Boston and are learning the whole majority shareholder rigmarole, you visit and manage your parents and their illnesses. Dearest, you need to let go of the guilt.”
I was . . . conflicted. And I’m sure it showed on my face.
I agreed with her, that I needed to let go of the guilt. But what about Dan? I worried for him. Caleb was going to do everything in his power to make Dan’s life miserable, and that was entirely because of me.
“What’s wrong?” Sandra tilted her head to the side as she inspected me. “What’s holding you back from letting go?”
“I—” Gah! “I like someone.”
Sandra’s eyebrows shot up on her forehead and she straightened. “Oh.”
“Yes. And, how can I ask him to become involved with me in any capacity when this is my life? When what’s ahead of me is, as you say, a trial by fire.”
She pushed her lips together, puckering them thoughtfully. “This man, does his name rhyme with fan?”
I laughed, rubbing my forehead. “I can’t tell you.”
“Will you tell me if it rhymes with pan?”
I laughed harder, but chided, “Sandra. I can’t tell you.”
“Hmm.” She looked like she was trying not to smile, her green eyes bright and happy. “Okay, fine. You’re not going to tell me. Fine. So, this man, let’s call him Dan—”
“Sandra—”
“Hypothetically!”
I glared at her.
She giggled.
“Anyway, you like hypothetical Dan. I’m pretty sure non-hypothetical Dan likes you, too. So what’s the problem?”
“Firstly, he doesn’t like me.”
“Oh, come on!” She rolled her eyes.
“Not in that way.”
“Hmm.” The hmm sounded more like a growl.
“And secondly, if I were going to enter into a relationship with anyone, shouldn’t I tell that person about my past? Shouldn’t I be completely honest?”
“Of course.” Sandra appeared confused by my question.
“That’s what I thought.” I nodded, then to myself said, “Good.”
“Wait a minute.” She took a step closer and lowered her voice. “There’s a difference between being honest with someone, and trying to drive someone away in the name of honesty. So tell me, specifically, how you intend to be completely honest with Dan the hypothetical frying pan.”
I hesitated, hating how perceptive she was.
Sandra turned her head, giving me the side-eye. “Are you putting together a PowerPoint presentation about your past?”
“No!”
“Kat . . .”
I scoffed. “Not a PowerPoint.”
“A handout? With charts?”
“No. A list of misdeeds on my phone.”
“Ah-ha!” She lifted a finger between us again. “Why? Why does he need to know the details? Why not just provide a general idea, or list them in aggregate?”
“He has to know what kind of person he’s agreeing to—” I stopped myself before I said help.
Sandra’s eyes became slits. “Kat, you need to stop punishing yourself for mistakes you made when you were a teenager. This is self-flagellation.”
“Owning my choices isn’t self-flagellation.”
“This is another case of overachieving. Confessing your ‘list of misdeeds’ as you call them, to a man you have deep feelings for—”
“I don’t have deep feelings for him.” I had lots of feelings for Dan O’Malley, mostly about his body, and very few of them were deep.
And yet, despite his body, you do really like him as a person . . .
“—deep, deep, deeeeeeeeeep feelings for, is self-flagellation. Stop trying to reprimand yourself. You’ve already paid your debt to society, you’ve already served your time.”
“He needs to know everything before he can make an informed decision. I’m attempting to be responsible.”
Her whisper turned harsh. “You’ve said many times that you wish you’d never tried drugs, you hate that you stole from others, that you believe you were too young—mentally and emotionally too young—to be sexually active, and you regret that you were drunk or inebriated for all your early sexual experiences.”