What the fuck is this?
“As a society, we talk about the fact that men sometimes have performance issues. In a way, these commercials normalize performance anxiety for men, they tell us, ‘Hey, it’s okay. You’re not alone. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Many men have the same problem, and we have a way to help you.’ But have you ever seen a similar commercial for women?”
My eyes lowered to the carpet. “No,” I finally answered. “I guess I haven’t.”
“So, you see what she’s dealing with here. For better or worse, normalizing an issue—like Viagra commercials do for men—has a halo effect for those impacted. It provides support, even in a subtle way. But for women who struggle, there are no commercials. There is no normalizing of the problem, and so, even from the start, many women do not seek treatment. They believe they have an issue that affects them in isolation. If a woman does not enjoy herself during sex, they believe that they are alone, or broken, or ‘just made that way.’”
“That’s beat.”
Sandra chuckled. “It is. But the good news is that there is treatment. I’m sure Kat has told you that her particular issue does not have a physical cause. It can’t be treated with medication or surgery.”
“Except as a Band-Aid.” I scratched my jaw.
“What?” I heard Sandra shift in her seat, like she was passing the phone from one ear to the other. “What did you say?”
“Except alcohol, right? In Kat’s case. But that would be a Band-Aid, not really solving the problem, just covering it up.”
“Exactly.” Sandra sounded like she was smiling again. “That’s exactly right. In fact, it wouldn’t just cover it up, it would make things worse in the long run. But, anyway, what I wanted to say is that sexual health is impossible if fear is present. That includes fear of disappointing another person, fear of not meeting society’s expectations, fear of missing out on a full life, fear of losing a person, fear of being alone, fear of being judged for one’s desires, likes, or dislikes. That means, from now on, absolutely none of Kat’s—or your—motivation in the bedroom can come from fear.”
I was nodding vehemently before Sandra had finished speaking, and when she did finish, I said, “Preach it.” With feeling.
Sandra laughed again, but then cleared her throat, taking on an instructional tone. “When sexual acts result in feelings of stress or anxiety, the body releases stress hormones, specifically epinephrine and norepinephrine. The entire point of these hormones is to prepare a person to hide from or confront a threat. In this instance, the threat to a person’s security or welfare is the fear of displeasing her partner.” I heard Sandra gather a deep breath. “A few weeks ago, I advised Kat to do some research and think about what she liked, what aroused her, want turned her on, what she wants. She should share that list with you. I’ll send her an email and encourage her to do so.”
“Sounds good.” I was impressed with how not like a horndog I sounded, given the fact that I was a total horndog for this woman.
“But, I will also tell her—and I hope her therapist told her—that she needs to trust you when you offer to help. She has to stop feeling guilty or being worried that she’s taking advantage of you.”
“She feels that way?” That had me sitting up. “She shouldn’t feel that way.”
“Then you should tell her, too. Ask her to trust you. But, and this might be the most important part, if, at any time, what Kat is asking of you is a burden, you are to tell the truth. You must not be afraid. Kat cannot trust you, she won’t believe you, unless you are honest about your boundaries and desires. Just as she must not be afraid that she is a burden, you must not be afraid to ‘make things worse’ as it were, by being honest. Do you understand?”
I scratched my jaw as I thought about her words. “Yeah. Makes sense. If I’m not honest and don’t tell it like it is, then she’ll doubt my honesty, and then we’re right back where we started.”
“Exactly. That’s exactly right. Good.” Sandra sounded relieved.
“I have a question.” I couldn’t believe I was going to ask Sandra this question, but I wanted to get a good ballpark figure. “How long does this usually take?”
“Take?”
“Yeah. How long until she feels relaxed? Good about things?”
“Don’t worry about how long this will take. I’m sure Dr. Kasai told Kat that there would be setbacks—three steps forward, two steps back. That’s fine. That’s all perfectly normal. But to answer your question, sometimes it takes months, sometimes it takes weeks, sometimes it takes days.”