Marriage Without Love & More Than a Convenient Marriage(86)

“We’re never going to be able to make this work, Gideon. I don’t want the power to hurt you any more than I want you to be able to hurt me. This is a mess. We’re messing each other up and it’s going to be—”

“Messy?” he prompted dryly. “Just take it one day at a time, Adara. That’s all we can do.”

She drew in and released a shaken breath, nodding tightly as they kept walking. Their steps made soft crunches in the dry grass while cicadas chirped in accompaniment. No breeze stirred beneath the trees and the heat clutched the air in a tight grip.

“Should we go back and swim?” she suggested.

“If you like.”

It didn’t matter what they did, she realized. They were filling time until her brother returned, distracting themselves while sexual attraction struggled for supremacy over hurt and misgivings. They should give in. Sex would take the edge off their tension and God knew she wanted him. Lovemaking with Gideon was a transcendent experience as far as she was concerned.

But she’d never felt this vulnerable with him before. It made physical intimacy seem that much more intimate. Her normal defenses were a trampled mess. The idea of letting him touch her and watch her lose control was terrifying. He’d see how much he meant to her and that was too much to bear.

Twenty minutes later they were in the pool. His laps were a purposeful crawl with flip turns and patterned breathing, hers a less disciplined breaststroke that made one lap to his four. Tiring, she moved to sit on one of the long tile stairs in the shallow end, half out of the water as she watched him. The pool was fully shaded now, leaving her quite comfortable watching his athletic build cut through the water.

When he stopped and joined her on the step, he was breathing heavily, probably having swum a mile though she’d lost count ages ago, distracted by the steady thrust of his arms into the water and the tight curve of his buttocks as he kicked. She really couldn’t fathom what a sexy, virile man like him was doing with mousy, boring her.

And even though he’d pushed himself with thirty minutes of hard swimming, his gaze moved restlessly, as if he was looking for the next challenge.

“You’re not comfortable with downtime, are you?” she said.

He glanced questioningly at her while diamond droplets glittered on his face and chest hair.

“You’re driven,” she expounded. “I keep thinking of all those plans we made, but what does it matter if we have a floating hotel? I know it’s top-notch, but who cares? We don’t need the money and the world doesn’t need another behemoth cruise ship.”

“It matters to the people we’ve employed and the ones who invested with us. But you’re right, I suppose. Wealth isn’t something either of us really needs. Not anymore. It’s a habit I’ve fallen into, I guess.”

“You worked hard to get here and now you don’t know how to stop,” she paraphrased.

He made a noise of agreement.

“If we don’t have children, what would we fill our lives with? More hotels and boats?” Involuntarily, her ears strained to hear the words each other.

They didn’t come. After a long moment he said, “Our last five-year plan took months to mold. This one can, too. There’s no rush.”

“There is,” she insisted. “I feel like if we don’t have everything sorted out before we sleep together again, our marriage will go back to the way it was and I’ll be stuck in it.” There. She’d said it. Her worst fear had blurted out of her.

He stared at her for a long minute, absorbing her outburst, then he chuckled softly and shook his head. “And I can’t think of anything but making love to you again. New plans?” He shook his head as if she was speaking another language. “We’re at quite an impasse.”

He wasn’t being dismissive, just blatantly honest. Her heart constricted as she absorbed that this was what he’d meant about trusting him. Somehow she had to dredge up the faith to believe he’d continue working on their marriage along with the courage to surrender herself to him. The potential for pain was enormous.

While the yearning to feel close to him was unbearable.

She looked up to where the afternoon sun had bleached the clear sky to nearly white. Not even close to evening or bedtime. She hadn’t brought either her green-light or red-light nightgown. How else could she possibly signal to him that she was receptive to his advances?

Oh, Adara, quit being such a priss. They were learning to communicate, weren’t they?

Her internal lecture didn’t stop her heart from beating frantically in her throat as she set tentative fingertips on his wrist where it rested on his thigh. Leaning toward him, she shielded her eyes with a swoop of her lashes and watched his lips part slightly in surprise before she pressed hers to them.