She loved him.
She loved him, and she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to be in this relationship, didn’t want to have to sacrifice her ambitions, didn’t want to deviate from her life plans. There was no way either of them could make anything like a marriage work, not when their businesses took up all of their time.
Not when she was afraid of what it meant to be in love.
What if they grew to hate each other as much as they cared for each other now? When the misery set in, misery because they’d had to compromise too much, because Gage was tired of her, what would she be left with?
She almost laughed. She might be in love, but Gage wasn’t in love with her. He’d said more than once that he didn’t do serious and for him, this was just another fling, another strictly physical relationship. And now he’d outlined, in clear detail, why he wasn’t meant for fatherhood or marriage.
She’d fooled herself into thinking she wanted a fling, but it had always been about more than that. She’d wanted to move past all of the issues that still hung over her head. Wanted to erase her mother’s influence in her life if possible.
And instead she’d landed herself in a mess her mother would have reveled in. She loved a man who would never love her back. She loved a man she didn’t want to love. She was in the relationship she’d never wanted.
She slid out of his arms and went into the living room, clutching her arms, trying to keep herself from shivering.
It didn’t matter how she felt about Gage.
She laughed out loud into the empty room. It did matter. Now that she knew what her feelings meant, she knew she had to finish with him. She shook her head. She’d done what she’d promised herself, and him, she wouldn’t. She’d fallen in love with her first lover.
She sank onto the couch and drew her knees up to her chest, her heart pounding so hard she thought it might break. The pain so severe she was certain it already was.
She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t stay. Not feeling like she did.
A tear slid down her cheek.
She was so afraid that if she stayed, she would give him everything. Everything she’d learned to hold inside, all of the emotions she’d learned to carefully suppress. And they wouldn’t be enough for him, either. She wasn’t enough. She never had been. Her love hadn’t been enough for her own mother, why would it mean anything to him?
She pressed the heels of her hands hard against her eyes and tried to block the flow of tears. She had to be strong. She had to end it. Before he did it for her.
It was 4:00 a.m. when Gage woke up and found Lily’s side of the bed cold and empty.
Lily’s side of the bed.
Any other time, it would have bothered him to think of anything in his home as belonging to someone else, especially a woman he was seeing. But with Lily, it seemed natural.
He didn’t feel claustrophobic when he thought of spending an indefinite amount of time with her. He wanted her, and for now that was fine. He could continue to enjoy her until the arrangement no longer benefited either of them.
He pulled on a pair of dark boxer briefs and went out into the living room. Lily was sitting there on the couch, a cup of coffee in her hand, a blank expression on her face. Her hair was pulled back into a bun and she was dressed in a fitted skirt and jacket, her work uniform.
“Did something happen with Maddy?” he asked, thoughts of the media hounding his sister his first thought.
She shook her head, her lips pursed. “No. Maddy’s fine. At least, I haven’t seen anything about her in the news.”
She lowered her eyes and gripped her coffee tighter. He’d spent a lot of time with Lily over the months she’d worked with him, more since they’d started sleeping together, and he knew her moods. She was upset and she was trying desperately not to show it.
His first crazy thought was that she might be pregnant, though he had been vigilant about protection. Still, a thousand images rushed through his head. Lily, her belly rounded by pregnancy. Lily, holding their baby.
The very idea should have terrified him. He’d never wanted to be a father. Not because he didn’t want children, but because he didn’t want to become his parents. He had the same kind of ambition both of his parents had shared, and so did Lily. They’d discussed as much only that evening. So when would they see their baby? Between work and work-related events?
But if it had already happened, there was nothing that could be done. If she was pregnant, he would face it, and he knew that she would, too. Neither of them ran from things. They faced things head-on, which was why they had more than they occasional clash.
A baby. A small surge of exhilaration rushed through him. Maybe this would be his chance. His chance to have everything he didn’t believe he could ever possibly earn.