I nodded aimlessly, listening, but not really. I had so much on my mind. I just-
"Everything all right?" he asked. I looked up to find him staring, wearing a look of concern that let me know the attempt to hide my nervousness was a failed one.
‘No, everything's the opposite of okay,' I thought to myself. However, I said nothing at all.
Naseem crossed his legs loosely, propping his ankle on his knee while waiting for me to respond. "Brynn?" he called out questioningly.
"Ummm … well … " was all that would come out at first.
Naseem's brow creased with concern and his relaxed posture tensed, rigidity spreading across his shoulders.
I can't do this. I can't tell this man, my friend, what I've done. The way he'll look at me? The things he'll think but will never say out loud for fear of hurting my feelings?
I can't.
"Brynn, what is it?" He sat forward and the corners of my eyes began to sting.
No tears, girl. Not a single one. Pull it together.
Before he left, things were good between us. We were on the path to taking things to another level, perhaps taking things where they should've gone years ago.
"Did I do something?" he asked, half smiling, but I sensed he was anxious.
"No, it's not you," I assured him, shaking my head. I'd have to start talking soon. He already knew something was wrong. There was nothing left to do but confess.
I wet my lips and stared at the floor when I couldn't bring myself to look anywhere else.
"We need to talk about something," I began.
Hoping to lighten the mood, Naseem chuckled. "I'm right here listening."
I meant to blurt it right then, but the words got stuck. They got stuck and I honestly thought about making up some other excuse-like just telling him I thought we made a mistake trying to be more than friends, like I simply wasn't interested, which wasn't true. I was interested. Very interested.
Honestly? Nothing would've made me happier right now than to be with him.
From where I stood, I watched him get to his feet. His tall frame crossed my living room and I was forced to look him in his eyes now-those deep wells that had proven capable of withdrawing even the best kept secrets. It'd been those same eyes that made hiding my feelings for him impossible.
Glancing over his features, his rich, golden complexion, I felt like such a fool-for taking so long to realize how important he was to me, for what happened with Marco, for all of it.
I just … I messed up.
"Please talk to me," he said softly, brushing a hand across my cheek when a tear spilled from my eye.
When he held the sides of my face, I looped my fingers around his wrists and held on to him while I still could, while he'd still let me.
"I did something … and I know it's gonna ruin whatever chance we might've had," I started, and at my words, Naseem's hands loosened just a little, but I felt it. My mouth felt dry all of a sudden. I wanted nothing more than to turn back the hands of time and redo everything, but I couldn't. There was no going back.
"I uh … before we decided to try this whole … dating thing," I stammered, "something … I … "
There was a loaded pause and we were both still. Eventually, Naseem's hands fell away from my face and went slack at his sides, probably filling in that blank I left wide open with any number of things.
There was no use in holding the tears in, so I just let them roll down my cheeks as I confessed a little at a time, releasing my truth like steam from a valve. "I was with someone else."
He looked so confused because, as my friend, he knew I hadn't been seeing anyone.
This might have all been different if there was some type of emotion behind what I'd done, if Marco and I had feelings of some sort for one another, but that wasn't the case. In short, I ruined my chances with Naseem over a fling-over a sexual encounter I was too drunk to even remember.
He didn't move, just stared, waiting for me to explain further, so I did.
"I don't mean I was in a relationship," I elaborated. "I mean … I was with someone. A guy," I added, lowering my head. There was no easy way to say this. "Do you remember the girls and I going out the night before Mona and Ced's wedding?"
Naseem nodded, a vacant look behind his eyes. "Yeah, you all went to The Alibi," he answered immediately, startling my heart when he recalled the location. "I was actually the one who suggested the place when you told me you all were thinking of taking her out."
Shame washed over me when I was reminded of that detail, when I recalled the memory his words had just triggered. A heavy sigh left my mouth as irony set in; the place where I met, and later hooked up with, Marco had been Naseem's idea.
"Well, I … " The words got stuck again, but I realized stalling wasn't going to make this any easier. "I um … I met a guy that night and … we hooked up," I finally blurted, deciding to just let the words fly out before I got too scared again.
Naseem stared blankly at the rug beneath our feet. A range of emotions crossed his face, but just as soon as I thought I figured out what he was thinking or feeling, it changed, confusing me again, unnerving me even more.
There was still more to tell and I just wanted to get it over with before he started thinking my confession was done.
"When it happened," I started, swallowing hard before I went on. "I wasn't careful and I … we were drinking and … we didn't think about protection and I'm … " I stood there panting. There was desperation behind his eyes as if he knew the last of what I had to divulge, as if he silently pled with me not to speak aloud the words he was thinking. It broke my heart, but I had to continue.
"Naseem … I'm pregnant."
He stared and I held my breath, not moving a single muscle. All I could do was watch him and wait for a response.
Had I violated our budding relationship? No, not necessarily, because this act took place before we even decided to give it a go. However, that didn't lessen the hurt I saw on Naseem's face. There had been feelings brewing between us for quite some time, feelings we didn't act on all those years for one reason or another, but they existed.
We both dated other people casually, all while dancing around what our friendship was growing into. For that reason, I knew he probably had very mixed feelings about all of this. We weren't together when it happened. Technically, we weren't together even now, but this still felt oddly like betraying him.
When he moved for the first time in almost a minute, I watched as he crossed the room, this time heading toward the door. I gaged his temperament and wasn't surprised that he didn't seem mad … just hurt.
And I couldn't blame him.
"I um … I just need a little time to process this," he said in parting, just before closing my front door behind him.
His words echoed in my thoughts; he needed a little time. That statement was eerily similar to Marco's. They both needed time to think. Meanwhile, I was stuck in limbo in both situations. While Naseem definitely got a pass, I was admittedly disappointed in Marco's response, which may or may not have been unrealistic of me. Did I expect him to embrace these circumstances with open arms? No, but it definitely would've been a welcomed surprise.
I plopped back down on my couch and took a sip of lukewarm tea, staring at the four walls around me while I thought. Something occurred to me in that moment of solitude. It was becoming clear that I was the one person who didn't have a choice in the matter when it came to seeing this thing through. Any one of the people in my life could decide to bail on me at any given time. This realization came with an air of loneliness. This didn't fall on anyone's shoulders the way it had fallen on mine.
Reality came into full view. The only constants, the only sure things I had under these circumstances were me, myself, and I. That was a terribly sobering thought.
My eyes shifted down to my stomach and for some reason, despite my emotions running high tonight, I still smiled. I was wrong. I wasn't alone. There was actually one other tiny individual who'd be with me through it all and I placed my hand there.
"Looks like it's just you and me."
Chapter Four
Marco
On my way backstage, I grabbed a towel to wipe away a stray dot of whipped cream from my chest.
"Missed a spot," Logan grumbled, pointing at another on my collarbone when he passed.
"Thanks, man."
He responded with another low grunt and then continued on toward the stage when Ivy started introducing him. He dropped down to the floor to get a few pushups in like he always did to get pumped up, slapped his chest once, and then pushed the black, velvet curtain aside. The ladies went wild and I laughed, listening to him get them even more amped up.