We finished our walk and the awkwardness eventually melted away completely. I answered the last few questions he had about Marco as we made our way back to my porch.
I smiled at him. "This was nice. We'll have to do it again soon."
"We should," Naseem said, nodding in agreement. "I miss hanging out like we used to".
That statement brought with it a flare of guilt that quickly spread throughout my entire body. I knew he didn't mean to make me feel that way, but hearing the longing in his voice had done it-longing for the simplicity we used to enjoy when it came to us, longing for whatever future we might've had.
"Well … I guess I should be getting inside," I announced, motioning toward the house.
Naseem's chin dipped once as he acknowledged my words, but there was a vacancy behind his eyes as he stared at my stomach instead of meeting my gaze.
Just as I turned to head in, he called my name. "Brynn, I … " He stopped there, still staring at my midsection. When his eyes finally did find mine, there was concern in his.
"I need to say something and I-" He paused, seemingly unsure as to whether or not he should continue. "I don't want you to take it the wrong way or question my intentions. However, at the risk of that, I feel like I'd be less than a friend if I didn't speak up," he added.
Tilting my head to the side, I came down a step to listen. "Go ahead," I encouraged, sounding nothing but welcoming in my tone. Whatever he wanted to say, I was open to hearing it.
He took a deep breath and then glanced down at the pavement. "I suppose this is more of a question than a statement," he started. "But I'm only asking it because I'm concerned."
I raised an eyebrow. "About … "
Another heavy sigh from Naseem alerted me that he was flustered.
"I know you and I are not … we're no longer moving toward a romantic relationship," were the words he chose to explain his point. "But, I'm curious. Does that mean you're closing yourself off to dating completely due to your … your circumstances?" he asked. "Or … is it just me you're keeping at arm's length?"
The question confused me at first, but I slowly began to put the pieces into place. At least I thought I figured it out. It sounded to me like he was asking about Marco. If I had to guess, finding out how involved he'd been, and after the slew of questions Naseem had asked about him, he now felt threatened by Marco's presence in my life.
My hand went to the back of my neck and I scratched there lightly, feeling uncomfortable having been called in on the carpet. The question was bold, straightforward, and I definitely didn't see it coming.
"I mean … what made you ask that?" I inquired, wondering if Naseem would even say.
He cleared his throat, maybe not knowing how to answer. His eyes darted back and forth for a second, as if he was literally searching for an explanation, but then he spoke and I listened. "Our conversation," he concluded. "Listening to you talk about him, I'm just concerned you're going to let your guard down and-"
He trailed off there and I imagined he was trying to choose his words carefully. However, he confirmed what I suspected his motives were.
"I just don't want to see you hurt," he said to sum it all up. "The truth is; if you're being honest with yourself, you don't know a whole lot more about this guy than I do and I don't want him to take advantage of you."
"If I'm being honest with myself?" I didn't like how he implied that I didn't have my eyes wide open. At what point did I give him the impression that I was lying to myself about my circumstances? In fact, I was pretty sure I saw it in its entirety and had made some pretty sound decisions thus far, considering how unfamiliar this all was for me.
"You took that the wrong way," he said, trying to clean up his statement.
"No, I don't think I did."
He let out a breath and thought to himself. "It's just that, from the outside looking in, you're changing, softening toward this guy, and I'm not totally sure that's the best thing. I mean … Brynn … he's already made a fool of you once."
My mouth fell open and I blinked hard, trying to make myself believe I'd just heard him right. Did he really just say that?
I crossed my arms over my chest and gave up fighting the anger boiling inside me. "Good to know what you think of me."
Trying not to get upset, I did my best not to think the worst of Naseem right now, but that was much easier said than done considering what he just said to me. This was all coming from a place of jealousy, not out of concern like he was trying to pass it off. Nothing I said should've given him the impression that Marco was anything but trustworthy. And a fool? I didn't look at myself that way and it honestly hurt that Naseem did.
It hurt bad.
He took a step closer and I felt the corner of my eyes sting. There was no way I'd let him see my cry, though.
"I'm just saying that this," he started, gesturing toward my stomach, "this isn't you. You're not the woman who ends up in this situation. The Brynn I know is smart, on top of her game, and … and … doesn't let life just happen to her."
He kept on with the verbal daggers, but with the gentle tone he used, I don't even know if he realized how bad this all sounded.
Aside from being hurt, I was disappointed that he'd pass his insecurities off as something of substance. Yes, Marco probably did seem like he came into my life out of the blue, but he and I were now tied together indefinitely. Anyone who wanted to be in my circle would have to realize that. Naseem included, although, right now I wasn't so sure I wanted him around.
Getting involved with someone was nowhere near being high on my list of priorities at the moment, but I wasn't about to promise Naseem that I wouldn't change my mind about that. He was out of line to even bring it up. Was I defensive? Hell yes, I was, but only because he backed me into a corner.
Naseem ran a hand through his hair and wouldn't look me right in my eyes, no doubt sensing that he'd upset me. "I didn't mean for the conversation to go this way," he started. "I just felt like it would've been negligent of me as a friend if I didn't speak up."
I folded my arms across my chest. "Well … I definitely heard you," I replied. "Loud and clear."
"Don't you think it's possible that he knows you're vulnerable right now?" he scoffed. "Isn't it possible he'd use that to his advantage to get close to you?"
I heard enough. All I told Naseem was that Marco had been to my appointments and that he was a nice guy. Those details didn't warrant … this. And I definitely didn't deserve being the target of whatever negativity seemed to be consuming him today. Contrary to what he seemed to believe, I wasn't Marco's doormat. He wasn't taking advantage of me in any way and Naseem had no right to make these assumptions.
"Brynn, all I'm trying to say is-"
I put my hand up, halting him. "I got what you were trying to say. I think you should go."
He had me frustrated and I wasn't blaming this on hormones. I had every right to feel some type of way about him calling me out. The bottom line was I'd pulled the plug on whatever we had going almost as soon as I found out I was expecting. Mostly, I did that to avoid situations such as these. I wanted the boundaries with Naseem to be clear, but mostly I wanted to make sure he didn't get hurt. Therefore, he had no right to question me on anything. Not even Marco, although there technically wasn't anything to question me about.
Bottom line: my business is my business. Not Naseem's or anyone else's.
The things he said hit me hard, so I made my goodbye quick and then went inside the house.
Maybe I'd been naïve to think this could all work out without me losing him.
Deep breath …
Deep breath …
The phone rang and I counted the seconds as I waited for my brother to answer. The walk with Naseem had calmed my nerves a little this evening, although the conversation afterward had gotten me riled up again. Still, this talk with Cedric needed to happen and the sooner the better.
Part of me wished I'd gone ahead and let Mona tell him herself, but then again, I knew it'd be better coming from me.
"Hey, Sis. What's up?"
I took another breath. "Hey, you busy?"
Papers rustled in the background and I knew the answer to my question was ‘yes', although Cedric's response was, "Nope. What's going on?"
Chances are, he'd just put aside an important case for me, putting his client's needs on ice so I could vent. He was like my father in that way and many others. Both were high-powered, respected attorneys and family came first with my father, too. No matter what he had going on, he always made time for my mom, Cedric, and I.