"Coming," I called out, letting Naseem know I was on my way. A warning phone call would've been nice, but given our current status-limbo-I wasn't about to make a big deal of it.
Smoothing my hair down one last time, I finally opened the door. On the other side of it, I stared into a very stoic, very somber set of eyes. The look behind them made me uncomfortable, led me to believe that my confession had changed us forever. I mean, yeah, I knew whatever chances we had at a relationship were dead in the water, but … I didn't think it was too much to want my friend back. Perhaps this was all just a big, cosmic sign that all Naseem and I were ever meant to be were friends.
"May I come in?" he asked, faint tones of his native dialect present in his sullen voice.
I stepped aside and gestured with my hand, closing the door behind him. My palms were sweating and my heart fluttered like hummingbird wings inside my chest. Communication had been minimal since telling him I was expecting. There was still only the one stray text exchanged between us. That was a far cry from our daily phone calls back and forth to one another and even messages throughout the workday.
"How are things?" he asked, taking a seat on the couch.
I nodded and eased down at the opposite end, clasping my hands in my lap before responding. "Good. Things are good." That may or may not have been a lie; I wasn't sure, but it was the first answer that came to my frazzled mind.
He dipped his chin once. "I'm glad to hear that."
"How's your father? Have you heard anything new?" I piped, trying to mask my anxiety with over-confidence. Chances are, he saw right through it.
"According to my mother, he's doing much better. He'll be on the mend for a few weeks, but he's still making progress."
Fresh out of small talk, I nodded and then let my gaze slip to the floor. This, facing him now, wasn't easy.
"Listen, I shouldn't have-"
"I know I dropped a lot on you, but-" I said, speaking at the same time as Naseem. I smiled a little and told him to go first.
"I was just going to say that I shouldn't have left the way I did the other week, not without finishing our discussion," he reasoned. I watched the range of emotions he experienced between that sentence and his next. "Your news was just … it was a lot to take in."
I lowered my head, imagining that to be true.
Naseem knew me, very well; had since we met on campus when I was eighteen and he was nineteen-seven years ago. I was the bookworm who mostly stayed in studying, never really concerning herself with boys and parties. I could actually count on one hand how many times I drank while in college. So, there was no doubt in my mind that my news was hard to take in. Just like he said.
He pushed a hand through his dark hair and then let it settle back on his shoulders. He was frustrated. I'd seen that look enough times to recognize it, but it had never been because of me. Never until now.
"I know we were just getting started, Brynn. Trust me, I keep reminding myself of that fact, but … maybe because we've been friends for so long … it just … never mind. This is silly. I-"
Shaking my head, I encouraged Naseem to continue when his sentence trailed off. "It's not silly," I assured him, moving closer to place my hand on top of his. His gaze shifted there when our skin touched. "I'd like to hear what you have to say," I added, finishing my thought.
Hazel eyes shifted toward me and, in that one glance, I felt all the things he couldn't bring himself to say out loud. It made my heart heavy. His face, one I always found handsome even years before acknowledging there was more between us, went slack beneath the thick beard. I wanted to embrace him, but at this point, I wasn't sure that wouldn't just confuse the situation further. However, before Naseem and I were anything, we were friends. Remembering simpler times between us, I decided to set aside my concern and did what felt natural.
I hugged my friend.
The warmth of his skin against my cheek, the natural, mellow scent of it, was all so familiar. His soft curls swept over my arms when I draped them both around his neck. Eventually, his went around me, too. This was hard for us both, although for different reasons.
Still locked in an embrace, Naseem finished his thought, blurting the words when a better way of explaining eluded him. "Brynn … I'm in-" he paused and my heart raced, filling in the rest of his sentence, but then he hesitated, taking back what he hadn't yet fully shared. "I … care about you," he corrected, next adding, "I always have."
My eyes fell closed as he spoke. I never doubted that his feelings for me ran deep. Mine for him may not have measured up, but what I felt was powerful nonetheless. Powerful and real. Because of that, I understood why my current situation hurt him so much.
The palm of his hand flattened against my back and my heart raced. So close, I was sure he felt it, too.
"I'm so sorry," I breathed.
"Don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong."
I heard him, but felt guilty all the same. This wasn't an instance of unfaithfulness or deceit, but an apology still seemed warranted. I had always been very open with him, about everything, which was why I told him I was expecting almost immediately. He deserved to know not to invest any more of his feelings or time in me. My life was about to become a whole lot more complicated in the coming months and I wouldn't drag him through that.
Now that Marco was as sure as I was of our circumstances, I had no idea what his plans were. We hadn't had a chance to discuss it since my appointment yesterday. Would he be around? Was he planning to take an active role in the baby's life? I wasn't sure, but I wouldn't stand in the way of letting him be a father. That would, in many ways, give him access to me and to my life, especially early on. I didn't want that to make Naseem uncomfortable. That wasn't to say that I would never move on with someone, but for now, I could only afford to be concerned about one person-my child.
While I was almost positive Naseem would agree to stay our course, to continue what we started despite all I had going on, I wouldn't do that to him. He's an uncomplicated guy who deserved an equally uncomplicated woman. The kindest thing I could do at this point was let him go. I wanted him to be happy, even if that meant finding someone else.
Slowly, we unlatched our arms from around one another, but stayed close.
"You've been a really good friend to me." My voice sounded breathier than usual as Naseem's thumb gently swiped away a tear that streaked my face. "I know things are changing, but I hope-" I paused when my throat began to feel tight. Fear rose inside me and I hated not being able to see what the future would hold for Naseem and I; not being able to see if our friendship would survive this. "I hope I don't lose you completely," was all I could say.
He was shaking his head, protesting before I even finished speaking. Without realizing what was coming, a soft kiss pressed to my mouth and air rushed quickly in and out of my lungs. The warmth of Naseem's palms went all through me when he lightly took my cheeks in his hands, pulling me to him. The kiss was an innocent one, just slightly more intense than a peck, but it was our first … and likely our last.
The gesture left me confused for several reasons, but the most pressing one being Naseem's timing. I'd just, for all intents and purposes, officially broken things off with him. A kiss right now left me wondering if my goal for this conversation was as clear as I meant for it to be; wondering if he understood what my intentions were. I didn't want to string him along, didn't want him trying to hold on. A clean break would be easier for us both. I only aimed to mend our friendship moving forward.
Nothing else; because I had nothing else to give.
He took his lips away and held his forehead against mine, speaking words that resonated with me, words that made me forget the awkwardness that occurred only seconds before.
"You'll never lose me, Brynn. No matter what," he promised.
One of the things I liked most about Naseem was that he'd always been a man of his word. So even now, this promise made under such extreme circumstances, would be kept. I could count on that … because I could count on him.
Chapter Seven
Marco
Last night was long and exhausting just like all my Saturday nights, but I still managed to be up staring at the ceiling by seven. It was Brynn that kept me awake. Well, it was knowing that we needed to talk that did it.
Reaching for my cell, I did something Justin suggested before we left the club last night. He said I should see if Brynn was opposed to us getting to know one another better, spending more time together. In his words, co-parenting would be easier if she and I could figure how to be friends. I agreed with that.