I want to go together, but I’m not sure jumping right back into the normal routine as a couple is too much too fast. Besides, he’s leaving again in two days and the girls should get as much daddy time as possible. They’ve been away from him way too much lately.
“You know what, Dec? I’m thinking of going alone. You do something with the girls. They’ve missed you.”
There’s a hint of disappointment in his hopeful eyes. Allowing him to come home made him think the rift between us was finally over for good. I want to just forgive and forget, but the forgiveness is the hardest part. That may take more time. My heart isn’t ready to get all comfy and cozy, yet.
Charlie scoots down off my lap to join Cara in front of the TV for their favorite Max and Ruby episode. Declan takes the opportunity to talk to me alone. “Mia, I don’t want you dealing with this by yourself. I know you’re scared. I know everything that’s happened over the last few months has taken a toll on you, but I want to be here for you...while I can.” He tugs at his floppy hair, smoothing it off his face. His hands become tight fists in his lap. “I am so mad at myself for offering to go on this trip. I should be here. You need me now.”
There’s no way he could have known this would happen, but still, a part of me is angry that he booked this trip without consulting me. It’s hurtful to think that instead of working towards getting back to normal, he was spending our time apart getting used to a different kind of future. His not telling me about this sooner could have a more serious meaning behind it. Maybe Declan was starting to give up hope on us. Maybe he didn’t want to come back home. Maybe my brain is too warped from yesterday to be jumping to these kinds of conclusions.
“Mia, what’s going on up there? Talk to me.”
I can make something up or pretend it doesn’t bother me, but maybe being honest is the best thing to do here. It’s not like me to feel timid in front of Declan, but the time apart has made me second guess everything. I bring my eyes up to Declan’s, half-way hiding behind my coffee mug. “Why didn’t you tell me about Hong Kong sooner?”
He pauses before answering me, and again I find myself worried that this holds a deeper meaning. But Declan reaches over and takes my mug out of my hands, placing it on the table. His hands return to mine, caressing my fingers, massaging my palms. “You wanted time, babe. I didn’t want to screw up again. I didn’t think you wanted me to push anymore. You hadn’t even answered my calls and my texts in a while. While it killed me to think I was losing you for good, I thought the time away was what you needed. I guess I should have told you first, but I honestly didn’t think you cared what I did anymore.”
I guess I did throw off that impression by ignoring him the way I had. Now I was the one who’d screwed up. This whole idea of taking space was backfiring on me. I never intended for him to lose hope in us, I only expected him to appreciate what we had by having it taken away for a little bit. You don’t know what you have ‘til it’s gone and that whole line of crap.
As much as I hate it, it’s time to be honest and swallow my pride. “I could never stop caring about you, Declan. I hate that we’ve been apart, but this wasn’t the only time you ran scared. I’m not sure which was worse, but the idea of your hands on another woman...you have to understand why I kicked you out. I don’t want to hold you back or be a ball and chain, Dec. I don’t want to be together for the kids. I want you here because you love me and need me...only me.”
His eyes spark to life. I see the Declan I met all those years ago in our college library. The beautiful boy who stole my heart. It still belonged to him, there was no denying that. “Baby, it’s always been you. I’m sorry it took this to remind me. I don’t deserve you, but if you give me the chance, I’ll prove I can love you the way you deserve to be loved. Being away from you has been like losing a limb. I’ve been lost without you. Empty. Please forgive me for being such an ass.”
Before I can say anything, I notice Cara watching us from the corner of my eye. She has this little smirk on her face that makes me wonder how much she’s heard and how much she understood. I arch my eyebrows at Declan, motioning toward our nosy daughter. Together we look at her, trying hard to hold back the snickers building up inside.
She runs over to us and pulls me down to her little mouth. She cups my ear in her tiny palm and whispers, “Daddy said ass.”
I should probably reprimand her, but I can’t do anything but laugh. “Yes he did, baby. What do you think about that?”