Declan focuses on the vein that’s protruding out of my neck. I don’t need his alarmed stare to remind me it’s there. I can feel it thumping, on the verge of spontaneous combustion.
He lowers his eyes to his hands now, fumbling and twisting them into uncomfortable-looking contortions. “I’m sorry, Mia. But what you said about this not being your plan—it wasn’t mine either. I never thought I would fall in love with the first girl I ever slept with. I didn’t have the chance to play the field and after meeting you, and falling so hard—I don’t know what you want me to say. Everything happened so fast and...”
Nothing I haven’t heard before, unfortunately. “Who the hell told you to propose while we were still in college, Declan? My friends thought you were nuts, our parents were worried and I...I was in awe of how mature you were to know exactly what you wanted back then. But now...it’s all coming in to view. The marriage was one thing, but the minute you found out I was pregnant you felt trapped. I can’t believe I didn’t see this sooner. I just thought you were happy, that our little family was enough for you.” My tears stream down my face like a raging river, washing away any trace of the make-up I so carefully applied to please Grace and her scheming. Grace! Once I recover from the turmoil that’s taken place here today, I might have to rip her hair out of her head for subjecting me to this. Some friend.
Declan is at my side now, his strong, beautiful, familiar arm enveloping my shaky shoulders. I don’t have the energy to push him off, even though his grasp makes me feel like I’m being held underwater, in desperate need of oxygen. He loosens his grip after a long minute, sensing my unwillingness to respond to his touch, and sits in the chair directly next to me.
“What I came here to tell you today is that I was wrong. I couldn’t go through with it. I thought I could. She flirted with me and it felt good. I felt wanted—like a twenty-six year old man, rather than a husband or a father for a minute. She gave me her room number and I told her that I had to get back to work, so we decided to meet up the following day to—I couldn’t go through with it, Mia. I just couldn’t. We did nothing more than kiss, and the second her lips brushed mine I knew it was a mistake. I made up an excuse about work and left, and I should have come right home, but I was too ashamed to face you.”
I won’t lie, knowing that Declan didn’t sleep with this woman is a huge relief. I don’t doubt he’s telling the truth. In fact, the truth pours out of his remorseful eyes, reflected in the shallow breathing he’s struggling to maintain. But the heart of this matter is that Declan has become the prime example of a person wanting a sample of the grass that seems greener.
I hear him confess about his resentments, only experiencing love with one woman, feeling dead-ended by two small kids at such a young age, a marriage proposal that seemed right at the time but seems hasty and impulsive now. Those may have not been the words he used, but that’s exactly what I heard anyway. No matter how much I want to take him back and pretend like none of this ever happened, I know I’d be a fool to overlook the blaring S.O.S Declan has unknowingly sent out today.
“What are you thinking, Mia? Please tell me you understand?” I take in his tear stained face—the way the dampness glistens in his overgrown stubble, the way his captivating blue eyes are sullied with bloodshot red—and I want to reach out and heal his hurt. But I can’t. Because my own hurt overpowers everything, and for the first time since that retched night at his Christmas party, I know that what I’ve been putting off is inevitable.
“I understand, Declan.”
His downturned lips jerk up with hopefulness. But it’s not for long.
“I understand that we need some time apart. Everything you said here today...I can’t ignore what you’re really saying. How will I know you won’t feel this way the next time some hot little number walks into your office or if the Starbucks barista flirts with you while filling an order? I can’t live with you resenting me for holding you back. I’m not that girl.”
Now it’s Declan’s vein that pops out of his thick, red neck. “What? Are you serious? I told you nothing happened. I don’t want anyone else, Mia. I never did...it was a momentary lapse of judgment. These last few weeks apart have been torture. I won’t survive more separation from you, from the kids. Please, Mia.”
I hate hearing him so helpless, lost, desperate. But I have to do this, as much as it’s tearing me apart to let go of the only man I’ve ever loved. I know this is the right thing to do.