“No,” she says, barely audible. “No talking. Just,” she struggles, swallowing hard, “touch me.”
I will, baby. Just let me see your soul so I can. Let me in.
She closes her eyes and leans to me. I know she wants me to kiss her. I know she wants more, but where will that leave us afterward? Why am I feeling like this? The woman of my dreams sits in front of me, half naked, offering herself to me and I am apprehensive?
I lean into her and kiss her forehead. She knows it isn’t going to happen but she needs to know why. Her lip trembles as she looks away.
“What is wrong?” she asks quietly. “Don’t you want me?”
“I don’t want it this way.”
“Am I not pretty enough? Like your other lovers?”
“Oh, Maddie. That’s just it. You are so much more.”
Tears spring to her eyes and I can’t seem to get out the right words before she grabs her shirt and pulls it back over her head.
“Listen to me, Maddie, please,” I beg as she stands and turns away. “I haven’t seen anyone since I met you. Don’t you see? I want so much more, with you.”
“Don’t patronize me. I might be a virgin, but I’m not stupid.”
Her words strike me and leave me speechless. I watch as she puts herself back together and quickly leaves my apartment without another look in my direction. The urge to run after her hits me after I hear my front door close, but when I run after her she is nowhere to be seen.
“Damn it.”
I close my door and lean against the wall.
Chapter 11
MADDIE
Maybe I am overacting, but I couldn’t hold back the tears. I couldn’t let him see me cry because of my insecurities. The idea that I don’t hold up to Rocco’s expectations hurts me. I have imagined the women in his life, how beautiful they were, how confident they moved. I want so much more with him, but I know that is the first step. A man like Rocco Santoro lives differently than most. He’s not like other guys I have dated.
My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on my door. Rocco? I wipe my face and look in the mirror. With a grimace, I walk quickly to the door and open it, only to be surprised to see Nancy standing in my doorway.
“Nancy? I thought we were going to meet for drinks later? How did you get my address?”
“I sort of looked it up in Joanne’s computer. I’m sorry, don’t be mad,” she pleads, her hand stretch out to me. “I really need a friend right now. I know we didn’t start out on the right foot, but I was hoping I could just talk. Things are worse for me than I let on.”
As much as I don’t want to hear this, I step back and force a smile, opening my door further and inviting her in.
“Thank you so much. I sometimes feel so alone in this big city.” She sits on my couch and I join her, staying on the edge and at the other end. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything. You look like you’ve been crying.”
“Ah,” I say, waving my hand in the air. “I was watching some of those sappy videos online. They always get to me.”
“You have to tell me how things went with Rocco. Did you tell him how you feel?”
She seems so interested, like a friend should be. And yes, she is the reason I bit the bullet and went to see him. But I feel funny telling her about my personal life. I feel funny that she is even in my apartment. Funny? No, violated. I need time to comprehend her reasoning for her change of heart.
“I, um, I haven’t found the right opportunity yet.”
“Oh. That’s weird. Weren’t you with him tonight?”
“What? How did you know I was…”
“He lives around the corner from my favorite coffee shop. They have the best coffee in the city,” she admits. “I thought I saw you go in. That’s why I had to find out what happened.” Her excitement is too much. I get up and walk to the kitchen with so many questions in my head. I ask only one.
“Would you like some coffee?”
“No, thank you. I can’t stay long.”
“So we aren’t going for drinks later?”
“No,” she says, shaking her head.
I grab a water from the refrigerator and rejoin her. “Well, I was going to talk to Rocco, but he was getting ready to go out with some friends. I didn’t want to bother him with it until I had more time.”
Since when did I lie so much? I was hoping I was at least convincing.
“I definitely think you should go for it.” Her smile fades and what excitement she did have disappears from her face. She turns away and sniffles. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here.”
“Well, you’re here now. If you need to talk, you can talk to me.”