"My father never thought I was enough. My mother always chases men who cast her aside and step all over her. I can't repeat the cycle, Rain."
She grows quiet for a long moment, before finally saying, "Sometimes I wonder what we'd be like if we could skip childhood and choose our own paths without the influence of our parents."
I'm distracted from her when I hear Brin hoot. "Karaoke machine!"
"We have some karaoke games," I explain, letting them know I'm not just doing karaoke on the regular, and happy to stop the conversation about Dale.
"Let's get you drunk so we can really enjoy this," Brin says as she starts messing with it.
Somehow, they're actually helping to take my mind off things, and I couldn't be more appreciative. I never thought they'd speak to me again.
Yet … I can't even put into words how much this means to me.
"You'll never get me drunk enough to sing in front of people," I snort.
****
Half a bottle of wine later …
"But I'm a creep," I sing loudly, belting out the lyrics as the other girls woot or cheer me on. "I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here."
I never thought a room full of mostly drunk girls listening to my horrible singing skills could be so much fun. Cathartic even.
Britt is battling Bella on the video console, while the rest of us act like fools. It's freeing. It's way better than crying alone. Obviously I picked the song that best represents Dale and I.
Creep by Radiohead.
And I pour my heart into it, feeling each word in my soul as though I was the mastermind who created such a perfect piece.
"Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want. So fucking special. I wish I was special."
A tear slips from my eye as I continue singing the end. But as the last words leave my lips, the emotion I've been struggling against swarms me without mercy and without warning.
I drop to my knees as a sob tears from my throat, and the tears rush out, and suddenly there are arms coming at me from all angles, all of them wrapping around me like they know exactly how bad it all hurts.
And I cry. I cry into the shoulders of friends I never knew I wanted. I cry without fear of being mocked.
So often I've judged my mother for always taking back the men who have hurt her. So often I've called her weak. I've never understood, until now.
Because I've never been in love.
Until now.
And it is taking all my strength not to go to him and let him convince me it'll never happen again. I'm so tempted to ignore the fact it'd be an endless loop.
I don't feel weak.
I just feel … broken.
Chapter 47
DALE
"I just want to talk to her for five minutes. That's all I'm asking," I tell the receptionist who is flanked by two security guards.
They're just waiting for the word to haul me out of here.
"She's not here," the receptionist tells me again.
I don't believe her, but getting tossed out of here isn't going to do me any good.
"Then give her this. She'll know what it's for," I tell her as I hand her the invitation to the Sterling Gala for tomorrow night. "And tell her I hope she'll show up."
The receptionist takes it and nods, and I turn and walk out. Kode and Maverick are waiting on me outside, and I hop into the back of Kode's new SUV. They don't say a word as we drive off, but Maverick finally talks right before we get to my house.
"Rain said you could get her back if you just prove you're not really like her dad."
I laugh humorlessly. "Sort of already fucked that avenue. Did she have any other advice?"
"Apparently her mom is a piece of work too. Harley's determined to never be like her. Both her parents fucked her up," Maverick offers unhelpfully.
I've never met Harley's mother, but given what I know of her, I understand why Harley works hard to veer in the opposite direction as far as life goes.
"She's never been in a relationship before me, and as you can see, her examples have left a shitty representation of how a relationship works," I grumble.
"Hopefully the girls will talk her into showing up at the gala," Kode finally says when the silence stretches on.
"She'll show," Maverick says, sounding convinced. "She'll show."
****
She's not going to show. I knew it, but didn't want it to be true.
I cross the floor, looking for Rain amongst the throngs of people. I finally catch sight of her as she holds Carrie's hand, introducing her to someone.
Before I make it to her to ask if she managed to talk Harley into showing up, my eyes land on the blonde I haven't stopped thinking about.
She's here.
Her hair is all on one side, and she looks like a vision from the twenties with the pin-curls she's donning. Her lips are red, like her dress. And I can't look away as she nervously scans the area, like she's searching for someone.
Her eyes land on mine, locking in place as though she's suddenly frozen, and I start walking toward her. She jerks her gaze away and starts moving in another direction, but I give chase, needling through people and bumping into them along the way if they hinder my progress.
My arm is around her waist and tugging her back to my front before I can stop myself from pushing too fast. She goes stiff in my arms immediately, and I bend, running my lips across her cheek.
"Dale," she says shakily. "I didn't come here for you."
"You say that, but we both know on some level you wanted to see me," I tell her, absorbing how good it feels to have her against me.
She shivers under my touch, but doesn't try to pull away.
"Please stop," she says, though it's barely a whisper.
"Make me." I toss her words at her in challenge, expecting that to be what sparks that fire in her that I love so much.
But it doesn't. She doesn't say anything. Just remains still against me.
"Twenty minutes, Harley. That's all I need. Give me twenty minutes, and if I don't say anything worth hearing, then I'll leave you alone."
She's quiet for a moment, and I continue to run my lips along the side of her cheek as my other arm goes around her waist. My neck hurts from bending this way, but I don't want any space between us where she can wiggle out of my grip.
"I can't," she finally says on a breath.
"Why?" I ask absently, still relishing the feel of her against me and not struggling to escape.
She turns in my arms, and I tug her even closer as I stare down. She cranes her neck back to stare up as our bodies press together.
She darts a nervous glance around us, probably wondering if anyone is watching, before she meets my gaze again.
"Because if I give you even five minutes to explain, I'll be yours again. I don't know if I can ever survive this … this … whatever it is again. Just let me go. You were perfectly fine before me. You can have anyone … you want."
Those last words look like they're hard for her to spit out. Because we both know she doesn't mean them.
She's hurting. I hurt her.
My hand slides lower, resting on the small of her back, while my other hand goes up to tangle in all those pretty curls. Her soft eyes stare pleadingly into mine, begging me to hold on and begging me to let go at the same time.
"Do you know why I went to the pier that first night I saw you back in town?"
"You said you came there to think," she says automatically, breaking the eye contact as she drops her gaze and stares at my shoulder like it's fascinating.
"That was just another lie," I tell her, waiting until she looks up with a confused expression before I continue. "When we were younger, I'd jog along that strip of beach in the afternoons. It was part of my rehab when I was younger. The sand was my greatest adversary, and that was the easiest piece to run through because the sand was better compacted."
She frowns like she doesn't understand what I'm saying.
"I saw you on that pier all the time," I go on, still holding her to me as her eyes widen fractionally, almost unnoticeably. "I'd catch you staring at me in class or in the halls at school so many times. But when you were on that pier, notebook in hand, or just staring vacantly out into the ocean, you never knew I was around. It always intrigued me."
She exhales shakily, and I grip her closer as unshed tears start causing her eyes to glisten.
"One day I even called your name, but you were oblivious. I finally realized, that was your place. The place where you came to disappear from the rest of the world. The place you went to when you needed to turn everything else off. Nothing existed when you were in that bubble. I knew where I'd find you that night. I came to find you, Harley. It wasn't a coincidence, and I wish I had never lied about that."
"Why would you lie?" she asks quietly.
I keep my gaze locked on hers. "Because I gave someone power over me once. With her, it wasn't as much. With her, I didn't ever feel myself slipping. Five seconds with you, and I knew you'd destroy me if I let you. I was trying to hold back. And holding back finally led to me pushing you away, because you scare the fuck out of me, Harley Hayden. With you, I'm not who I'm supposed to be. I'm who I want to be."
She opens her mouth to say something, but a loud noise draws our attention to the doors. I still don't let her go-obviously. At this point, I'm considering Maverick's kidnapping and Stockholm syndrome plan.