He nodded, looking sullen. “I was sure of it. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I was so caught up in the idea that it was you, I couldn’t even rationalize in my brain that your being in Virginia at that time probably wouldn’t have made any sense. I guess that was because I wanted so badly to believe that it was you. And I did. I truly believed it.”
“What did you do?”
“I stood there for the longest time working up the nerve to go up to you. Jonah was crying, but it was like I’d forgotten he was even there attached to me. Nothing else mattered in that moment as I began to gear myself up to tell you how much I missed you, to tell you all of the things that had been building inside of me in the time we’d been apart. In my delusional state, I didn’t even doubt for one second that it was you. I remember my chest feeling so heavy. One step at a time, I moved closer and closer to where you were standing in the food court, checking out a menu. I don’t know what I was thinking would happen. It wasn’t like I could have run away with you or something. I just remember feeling like I’d been given a second chance, that somehow, some way, God had brought you to where I was in that exact moment.”
“You went up to me? To her?”
“Yeah.” He let out a slight, unamused laugh and shook his head. “I called out, ‘Frankie.’ When she turned around, obviously it wasn’t you. I felt like such a fucking fool.”
“You didn’t know.”
“I should’ve known you wouldn’t have been all the way in Virginia. But I just wanted to believe it was you so badly.”
“What did the girl say to you?”
“Nothing. I apologized, letting her know I thought she was someone else then walked away in a daze. Torrie came back soon after carrying some bags. She kept asking me what was wrong that night. I guess I must have looked as spent as I’d felt. In some ways, it was harder than anything that had happened up until then. It was like I’d lost you all over again. It made me realize just how filled with regret I was, how much had been left unsaid.”
“What were you going to say to me? You know…if it were really me at that mall?”
“That’s the thing…I didn’t even know what I was going to say, but I’m pretty sure I would’ve made an absolute ass of myself, standing there blubbering away with a baby hanging off of me. It wasn’t meant to be that day. I made a vow in that moment, though, that if I ever did get the chance to see you again, that I wouldn’t fuck it up, that I would come prepared. I promised myself that I would make my intentions crystal clear to you and wouldn’t waste the opportunity that the universe granted me.”
“Have you ever heard that song ‘Pictures of You’ by The Cure?”
“I think so, yeah.”
“Every time I hear it, I think of you.”
“I’ll have to listen to it tonight.” Mack reached his hand toward my neck and removed my loose scarf, repositioning it around my neck. “Anyway, it’s cold. You’d better get into the car and blast the heat.”
Suddenly not wanting to leave him, I wasn’t sure what to say, so I simply responded with, “I’ll help you with the book fair stuff if you want. I’ve been involved with it before.”
“I would really appreciate that.”
Later that night, I was in bed when a text message lit up my phone.
Mack: That freaking song. Wow. I’d never listened to the words.
I typed.
Francesca: I know.
Mack: Now I can’t stop playing it.
I didn’t know what had compelled me earlier to admit that song reminded me of him. He’d shared the mall story with me. I guess I wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone in having feelings of regret and sadness over the years.
Mack: It always killed me that all I had left of you were the pictures I’d stashed away. How was it even possible that we never took one together, though?
Francesca: I know. I’ve wondered the same thing.
Mack: Anyway…I just wanted to let you know I love the song. Thank you for sharing that with me.
Francesca: You’re welcome.
Mack: By the way, I started looking at this catalog of children’s books for the book fair. I know which one I’m gonna order first.
Francesca: Which one?
Mack: It’s called Do You Want To Play With My Balls?
He sent me a picture of what looked like a children’s book featuring that same title.
Francesca: This can’t be real!
Mack: LOL. No, it’s not. It’s for adults. Did I just give you a heart attack?
It was one of many mini heart attacks he’d given me lately.