“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. Just have this coffee with me. Talk to me. Be my friend again, even if it’s nothing more. We’ll just take this one moment at a time.”
Taking a deep breath, she nodded. “Okay.”
It felt like a massive weight lifted when she agreed.
Despite the tense start to our coffee date, the rest of the time spent at the café was pretty stress free. Frankie updated me on Jonah’s progress in class, and I filled her in on my job. She and I even managed to laugh a little and reminisce. We also made plans to have me come in and volunteer in the classroom again soon, since the last time seemed to be a big hit. The coffee date that had started out as an emotional mess ended on a fairly calm note.
She eventually left to go home to her boyfriend, taking an even bigger chunk of my heart with her this time.
The following Sunday, I was driving Jonah back to his mother’s after the weekend at my place. As usual, he’d been pretty quiet during his stay with me, wanting mostly to stay home and play with some new apps I’d put on his tablet.
I’d forced him to go out to eat and to read with me at night, but he never seemed fully happy with anything. He didn’t want friends over, and that made it even harder to occupy his time.
I found myself giving into him more and more lately to compensate for my not being there every day. Between my moving out and then our moving out of state, it was a lot for him to handle.
It seemed that no matter how confident of a person I’d always thought I was, when it came to my son, I often felt helpless, like I didn’t know shit and couldn’t do anything right.
We were driving down Route Nine when I noticed him looking pretty sullen as he gazed out the window of the backseat.
“Jonah…everything okay? Aren’t you looking forward to seeing your mother?”
As was typical, when I asked him anything about his feelings, he just shrugged his shoulders.
Looking at him through the rearview mirror, I said, “Well, I know she missed you. She always does.”
My chest felt tight during the rest of the ride. My son was a way more sensitive kid than I ever was. Even though my parents didn’t have the best marriage and were rarely around my sister and me, I somehow just accepted it. Jonah knew better, and more than that, he deserved better. I wanted to give him a better childhood than I’d had. Lately, it seemed like I’d failed miserably at that, even though I was trying my ass off to make him happy.
When we pulled up to Torrie’s brick-faced house, I happened to notice a second car parked in her driveway.
After she opened the door, I could smell a hint of wine on her breath as she said, “You weren’t supposed to be here for another half-hour.”
“Well, Jonah left his Kindle charger here. He asked me if we could leave a little early. Is that a problem?”
“No, of course not. Why would it be a problem?”
As Jonah ran up the stairs to his room, I glanced over at a tall dude with a beard. He was standing in the corner holding a beer.
“Who’s this?” I asked as I continued to stare him down.
He approached me, offering his hand, which I didn’t take. “I’m Gerard Lockhart. Nice to meet you.”
“Gerard works with me.”
“I see.” I nudged my head back toward the front door. “Can I talk to you outside for a minute?”
She followed me and asked, “What is it?”
“What are you doing bringing strange men around my son?”
“You don’t have a say in whom I invite over to my house.”
“He’s not emotionally ready to have other men around. He’s still getting over my not living with him.”
“Whose fault is that? Someday when he asks why we aren’t together, I’ll tell him the truth, that you told me you didn’t love me, that you never loved me. Don’t blame me for all of this. Don’t blame me for trying to find someone to give me what you never did. It’s your fault we’re in this place, and you need to accept it. You’re the one who left.”
Fuck. To be honest, it was the truth. Not wanting my son to overhear anything, I simply lowered my voice and said, “In the future, you really need to discuss these things with me first.”
“Whatever, Mack,” Torrie said before shutting the door.
Getting back in my car, I was too exhausted to start the engine. I leaned my head against the seat and closed my eyes before eventually garnering the energy to drive away.
Once I arrived home, I stayed in the car for a bit, staring at my phone. My finger hovered over Frankie’s name. I wanted to text her so badly but decided against it. In my current mood, I might have gone overboard and said something I would’ve regretted, like how badly at the café I’d wanted to lick a line from her chest up to her neck to her bottom lip before sucking on it. We’d ended that meeting on a good note, and I needed to continue to take it slow.