“I have to explain more about why I’m here…on your turf.”
“You’re here for Jonah. You think I would be a good fit for him. You already said that.”
“No, Frankie. It’s not just that.”
“What is it, then?”
I let out a slow breath to gear myself up and vowed not to be a pussy.
“I’ve never stopped thinking about you. All of these years, they feel like a blur. I look at you sitting in front of me right now, and I’m feeling all of the same things I did when we were together.”
“We were never together.”
Hearing her say that caused me to snap a little, because there was no way she could deny what we had.
“The hell we weren’t together. We never fucked, maybe, but we were connected in every other way that two people could be. You can’t deny that. I hurt you. I know that. But deep down, I know you understand why I did it.”
“That didn’t make it hurt any less when you left.”
“God, don’t you think I know that?” I had raised my voice a little too much and made a conscious effort to lighten my tone when I asked, “This guy you’re with…what’s his name?”
“Victor.”
“He takes good care of you?”
“Yes.”
“Do you love him?”
“Yes.”
“Do you really love him, or is it that you feel safe with him, because he’s older and kind of like a—”
“Don’t say it.”
“Well, I have to say it. You have a daddy complex, Frankie. You’re living with a man old enough to be your father because you have abandonment issues.”
“I don’t remember my father abandoning me.” She raised her voice. “I do, however, remember the day you left very clearly.”
Her words felt like a slice to my throat. She was right, though. For the first time since reconnecting with her, she had managed to silence me. It was also the first time I realized just how badly my leaving hurt her.
She must have sensed what I was thinking when she said, “I’m sorry, Mack. That was unfair. I shouldn’t have said it like that. This is just really hard for me.”
“I know it is. That’s why I’m trying to talk to you. I don’t want things to be weird between us. I miss you. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by when I wasn’t wondering what you were doing, what you were thinking about, whether you were hating me for leaving. When most people say stuff like that, it’s an exaggeration. In my case, it’s not. Every single day, Frankie.”
“I assumed we would never see each other again. You being back here has turned my world upside down.”
Hearing the pain in her voice made me take a deep breath before attempting to explain things to her.
“When Torrie got the job in Boston…knowing that I could move closer to you again—to have you meet my son—it seemed like a gift. Everything just fell into place. It felt like oxygen had returned to my body for the first time in years. This was an opportunity I couldn’t let pass me by. I know what I did by getting him into your class was extreme.”
“You think?” she said sarcastically.
“I just want to know you again, Frankie. I want him to know you. I swear to God, I didn’t mean to turn your world upside down. If you’re happy, I swear on my son’s life, that makes me happy. I just don’t want you to spend another day hating me for leaving.”
“I don’t hate you, Mack. I may have been very upset for a long time, but I never hated you.”
It was such a relief to hear her say that, because I’d often wondered.
I reached over and took her hand in mine. I didn’t care if it was a bold move. I needed to touch her. Then, I moved her hand and placed it over my heart. “You feel that?” I asked. “Feel how it’s beating for you right now. Every time I even allow myself to think about you, it beats like this. And I don’t know how to make it stop.”
She kept her hand over it for at least a full minute. My heart continued to beat even faster into her palm the longer she kept it on me.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” she whispered.
There was only one answer.
“Just believe what it’s telling you.”
She stayed silent and eventually pulled her hand away. I knew I was having an effect on her. I knew she still had feelings for me, but I also knew that I wasn’t going to be able to convince her with words to give me a second chance. It would have to be done through actions. And it was going to take time. But nothing was guaranteed.
“I didn’t come to mess up your life, but you asked why I’m here. Here’s the honest answer: I’m here for you, Frankie. I’m here to finish what I started years ago. If you honestly love him, then I promise I will accept that. I’ll try to move on. But until you look me in the eyes and tell me there’s no chance, I’m gonna hold out hope.”