‘Ma, let’s go back te the room!’
‘Wha?’ me ma said, lookin at me sideways.
I didn’t like tha look she was givin me. ‘I’m tired. I want te go an rest meself.’
She said nothin, just tightened her mouth more an looked away, not wantin te see me.
‘I’m goin back,’ I said. ‘I’ll find me own way.’ Not carin wha she said. An I turned aroun ready te find the way we came.
‘Wait!’ she said. ‘Ye can’t go back now or tha aul one will be askin awkward questions. Come on, we’ll go te the pictures.’ She was lookin at me now, but when I tried te look inta her face, she looked away. Not able te look at me. ‘Come on, we’ll go in here.’ An she went up the street an inta a picture house. I followed her in, an we walked inta a very plush place wit all red soft seats. The usherette took the tickets an showed us up the back, shinin her torch te find the way. An the advertisements was on, showin a woman wit long hair ridin a horse on a beach. The music was lovely. An we sat down. Somehow the music made me feel very lonely, an tears rolled down me cheeks. Where’s God? He’s supposed te care fer me, but I know he’s not bothered. Why can’t I be happy fer long? Why doesn’t it last? If only I’d never been born, then I wouldn’t have te worry about livin or dyin. But now I’m stuck. Me mind had wandered, an the fillum was started, The Three Faces of Eve, an the actress was Joanne Woodward. I sat starin, not takin it in.
35
I woke up sensin there was somethin different. Me eyes looked aroun the room. It was quiet! Me ma! Where’s me ma? I shot up in the bed. She’s gone! Me heart started poundin, an I jumped outa the bed. I wanted te scream, ‘Help! Me ma’s gone! She’s left me!’ But I held it back, an I was makin keenin noises outa me chest. No! No! Maybe she’s just gone out te the tilet. I opened the door an listened. Nothin, not a sound, it was too quiet. I wanted te go out an look, but I’m afraid someone will see me. I don’t want te talk te anyone. I shut the door, easy, an crept back over te the bed. Why would she leave me? An where’s she gone? If she was comin back, she’d a woke me an told me te wait. Maybe she got fed up wit me not wantin te say much. An I wasn’t bothered about gettin us anythin or even comin up wit ways te get us some money. I didn’t listen when she kept complainin te herself about what are we goin te do, an the money is nearly runnin out.
In another two days, the landlady will be after us fer the rent. An I don’t know wha we’re goin te do then! Maybe tha’s why she’s gone an left me. Cos I’m only draggin outa her now. I’m no help any more. Yeah! Tha’s wha’s happened. She’s decided she’s better off on her own. I heard noises out the winda, an I looked out, hopin it was me ma. No! Only two women stoppin te talk te each other an laughin. One was holdin a shoppin basket wit vegebales an fruit stickin out. Me heart dropped, an I leaned me head against the winda, feelin like a babby, keenin an moanin, ‘Ma! Mammy! Where are ye, Ma? I want ye. Don’t leave me, Ma!’ I was moanin quietly, knowin nobody could hear me, cos I didn’t want anyone te see me actin foolish. But it helped me, an rockin meself backward an forward stopped me from losin me head an goin mad wit the fear. I kept rockin meself fer an awful long time. An me moanin an keenin has stopped. An I’m just rockin gently an listenin te me breathin an watchin the daylight goin. An the street lamps are comin on, an it’s beginnin te drizzle. People are hurryin an puttin up umbrellas an tryin te hold them te stop them blowin away. An it’s gettin very windy, an suddenly it’s gettin darker. An I look aroun at the door, an no one is goin te come in, an I’m safe in here. The landlady won’t knock, cos she won’t bother until Saturday, when she’s due the rent again. So I’m OK.
I sat meself in the middle of the bed, restin me chin on me knees, an held onta me legs tight. Rockin meself an hummin, ‘I see the moon! The moon sees me!’ I keep hummin an hummin. I liked tha song. I used te sing it when I was very young an I was happy, just me an me ma, an me aunt Nelly an me cousin Barney. Me heart is jerkin at the thought of them times. I want them back, I want te be happy again. But noooo ... they’re gone. I’m singin te meself, an now the tears are pourin down me cheeks. An I want someone te hear me. Maybe God is listenin! Or someone who won’t laugh at me an think I’m foolish. Maybe there’s a ghost in the room. I look aroun seein the walls an the little brown wardrobe. An lookin at the chair wit me frock an me cardigan sittin on it, an me shoes wit the big holes in them. One is sittin on its side, an I stare at the big hole, then I look at the dark corners of the room. I’m not afraid if there’s a ghost. Cos it might even be like Casper, the friendly ghost in the comic books. He won’t laugh at me or call me names or try an hurt me. He’ll like me, an we can play together. He’d talk te me an tell me all sorts a things. An he’d treat me like I’m not any different from other people. An when I’d cry, he’d know it’s cos I’m very sad cos nobody’s really bothered about me. Yeah! That’d be nice.