‘Are you all right?’ The man was starin inta me face, lookin worried an annoyed. I didn’t know wha was goin on. ‘Ye blacked out!’ he shouted inta me face. He was slappin me cheeks an shakin me aroun by me shoulders, an I was sittin up by the side of the bed. He was tryin te get me on me feet, but I couldn’t stand. I was made of air, an me legs wouldn’t work.
The older man came inta the room, lookin down at me. ‘Is she all right?’ He looked worried.
‘Yeah! She’ll be all right. Just a blackout!’ the younger fella said, brushin his hair back wit his hand, sayin, ‘I want te get out of here. I thought she was a goner!’
‘No, we’ll get her out.’
It was comin back te me, an I wanted te stand an go as fast as I could. I stood up, feelin me legs like jelly, an held onta the bed. An I started te make me way te the door. ‘There you go,’ said the older man. ‘She’s right as rain.’ Then he put his hand inta his pocket an handed me six shillins. I looked at it, not wantin the money. He’s no right te give me money after wha they did te me. It’s like he’s sayin we’re quits. Givin me six shillins means he did me no wrong, but I didn’t give it back. Instead, I made me way te the ladder an went down backwards, holdin on tight, afraid I would fall, cos I was so weak. An I felt me legs like jelly. I got te the last step, an the men came down after me.
Me ma was standin at the end of the ladder, an her face was shakin, an her mouth was twitchin. ‘Wha happened?’ she looked at me an then at them. Nobody said anythin. An I headed fer the door, desperate te get out. ‘Wha did youse do te her?’ me ma asked, lookin at them an followin me.
They laughed, an the older man said, ‘Ah! She’s all right,’ an he opened the door, an I rushed out wit me head down, feelin at the mercy of everythin an everyone. He slammed the door shut behind us, an me ma said nothin. When I handed her the six shillins, sayin, ‘The man gave me that, Ma! You take it,’ she gave me a queer look, like I’d done somethin terrible wrong. An somehow I felt very old an like I wasn’t like ordinary childre. An men weren’t like the daddy I wanted them te be. Ye have te be a child te have a daddy. An I wasn’t a child, even though I still felt like one. But I’d have te give tha up an watch meself. Ye can’t take chances wit people. Most men will hurt ya, an there’s nothin at all me ma can do fer me. So women are not much good either.
I hurried away, walkin close te the wall, wantin te touch it. Afraid of everythin – people, noise. I stopped te retch, tryin te get sick, but only the tea came up quickly, then I couldn’t bring anythin else up. But I was still heavin me stomach. Then I stopped an leaned against the wall, lookin at the ground. ‘Wha’s wrong wit ye?’ me ma asked, leanin down te look in me face.
I lifted me eyes, sayin nothin, an tried te wipe away the dribbles hangin outa me mouth. ‘I gorra shock, Ma,’ I mumbled.
‘Jaysus! Ye’re the colour of a corpse!’ me ma said, shakin. ‘Them bastards!’ an she looked back te where we’d come from.
I walked on, wantin te be somewhere else. I didn’t want te talk te me ma. There was nothin she could do. Maybe if she’d lost her head, they might have murdered the two of us – I sensed tha. Maybe we’re lucky te be alive! God! Why did I not see it comin! I didn’t even think they were interested in me ma. I usually keep wide awake te men. Ye can usually see it comin a mile away. Men are always interested in goin after me ma. I see them lookin at her. An even the ones who go after childre, they’re easy te spot, the way they mooch up te ya. An ye can get away from them. But not this time! Lord God, I fell inta their trap. There’s nothin but Jacksers everywhere. God, why can’t I just die? But I don’t want tha, an I don’t want te live either. I just feel afraid of me life.
‘Come on!’ me ma said, clampin her mouth tight an lookin away from me. ‘Let’s get movin.’
We walked slowly together, not sayin anythin. ‘Where are we goin, Ma?’ I asked after a while.
‘I don’t know,’ she muttered, not lookin at me.
She doesn’t want te be wit me either, I thought. She’s actin as if I’ve done somethin wrong on her. I looked at her, an she turned her face away. I don’t care about you either, Ma, I thought. Ye can be as fed up as ye want, I’m not bothered about anythin. Wha’s the point in tryin te be happy? It doesn’t last. One minute I’m feelin very happy, an the next it’s gone. The only thing tha lasts is misery. People are no good. Ye never know when they’re goin te strike an do ye real harm if ye let them get the chance. The heart was gone outa me. An I just wanted te go te bed an sleep. I was still feelin sick an shivery.