"You haven't practiced in over a decade; how are you going to do that?"
"Easy. I've kept up with my license and maintained my continuing education hours. Just because I haven't practiced doesn't mean I can't. I'm not stupid. I spent all that money on school; I wasn't about to lose it all," I explained, speaking to her like my answer was obvious and she should have just known.
Krista's head tilted to the side and her eyes narrowed as she scrutinized me. "Something is different with you. You're usually broody and cynical. Now you're just … I don't know, lighter. Happier. I'd ask if you got laid but I think that's a rather stupid question. And I think whatever it is that's making you this way is the reason you've decided to switch gears at work. Dare I ask if it's a female?"
I let my smile answer that, unable to hide it. I wasn't sure what was going on with me. I had never acted this way before. The thought of a woman never made me smile before and no one had ever described me as being happy or light.
"Where did you meet her? What's her name? I want to hear all about her," she said enthusiastically as she leaned forward on the table on her elbows.
"Work. She was a client. Her name-"
She pushed back with wide eyes and immediately interrupted me. "No. Cade … just no. I have known you my whole life, and I've watched you struggle for most of it. If she's your client, then that can only mean that she has issues, too, and that cannot end well. Two broken people cannot possibly work. You are very put-together in your professional life, but you are a mess in your personal life. You don't need someone that mirrors that."
"Why can't it work? We can help each other."
"Oh, come on, Cade. You're a smart man; you studied psychology. You know that doesn't make any sense. Two people that live in the same darkness will only darken the other. If she's as fucked up as you are on the inside, then she will only make you darker and vice versa," she argued with a flip of her hand and a roll of her eyes.
"You don't know her, Krista. She helps me. I've helped her, too."
"Does she know? Have you told her about your parents?"
I stared at her, contemplating my next words. "She knows some of it."
"Then how can you possibly tell me that she can help you? She doesn't even know what it is she's saving you from. You know as well as I do that you can't fix something when you don't know why it's broken. You don't need someone that is damaged; she will only damage you more."
"No," I barked from across the table in a deep growl, "we are two broken people that complete each other. Like two halves that come together and make a whole. You don't know what you're talking about. I should have never called you. I should have known all you'd do is try to pull me down."
She pressed her hands flat on the table in front of her and calmed her voice as she said, "Your theory of two halves making a whole makes sense. I get it. But what you're not understanding is that you are both broken in the same places. She can't fill in where you're lacking because she's lacking there, too. You need someone who lacks in the areas you're strong, and is strong in the areas you're not."
"Normal people don't get me. She gets me. She has talked me through two panic attacks, took care of me after a week-long drinking binge-in which I saw my dead father and he accused me of fucking my mom-and set aside her own insecurities and pain to help me work through some of my own demons. Normal people wouldn't have done that. They would look at me and give up. I don't need normal. I need Ivy."
She shook her head and blinked a few times before settling her eyes back on me. "I'm going to take this one thing at a time. Let's start with the attacks. You're having them again? Since when? And how did she walk you through them?"
"I guess she realized what was happening and talked me through it. I don't know."
"So she was with you both times? Have you had others when she wasn't around?"
I didn't answer; I knew what she was getting at and I wouldn't give it to her.
"And this drinking binge … before I get to the dead father part, why were you drinking that much? You're smarter than that, Cade. It seems to me like your life has gone downhill ever since this girl came into it. She can't possibly be any good for you."
I could feel my anger begin to boil over. I was on top of the world when I walked into the restaurant, and now all I wanted to do was start flipping tables over and screaming at Krista about how wrong she was. But I had to keep my composure if I wanted to prove her wrong. "The panic attacks were because of the heat. Not her. She only happened to be there when they hit. I drank that much because my own demons were getting to me-hence the dead father. It had nothing to do with her. In fact, she wasn't even there. I called her and she took a cab to get to me. You don't know her. You don't know me."
"I do know you. You're my-"
"No, you don't. You know what I went through but that's it. You don't know who I am now or the struggles I deal with currently. You're normal. Normal people don't understand fucked up people. That's why I could never be with someone normal. I would never want to be. I don't even want to be with a fucked up person. But I want to be with Ivy. That should be enough for you." I sat back just as the waiter brought out our food. I stared at my plate, no longer hungry, and contemplating leaving.
"I'm only worried about you, Cade. That's it. You're telling me about how your life is unraveling and she's putting it back together. Yet, I see her as being the one that caused it to unravel in the first place. From where I'm standing, she seems like poison."
I couldn't help but laugh, and it earned a confused look from my cousin. "Well, that would be fitting, wouldn't it? Poison Ivy. But what if she's not poisonous to me? What if she's poisonous to the cancer inside of me? You don't even know her or what she's been through and you're already judging her and me. She doesn't judge me. I don't judge her. How can that possibly be wrong? And I'm not even going to pretend that I know anything about relationships because I don't. The only thought I've ever had on the subject is that it's destructive. But I do know how I feel. I know how she makes me feel, and I can't walk away from it."
Krista was quiet as she sat across from me; her expression had gone soft.
"Why can't that be enough?"
Her shoulders lifted to her chin and then dropped as a sigh escaped her lips. "Sounds like enough to me. I just worry about you. I know you're a year older than I am and not a kid anymore, but when it comes to relationships, you kind of are still. You've never been in one-or anything resembling one. I just worry about you. I don't want to see you get hurt. I've seen the pain in your eyes for as long as I can remember, and I don't even want to think about what will happen if you're dealt any more."
"I appreciate it, Krista. I really do. But for the first time in my life, I feel okay. I feel better than okay, and I have to believe Ivy has something to do with it."
"Now, tell me the truth; why are you changing gears at work?"
I paused to give thought to her question. I didn't need to think about my answer, but I did need to contemplate how to word it for her. I took in a deep breath and answered the best way I knew how. "I started my practice as a way to give people an opportunity to have a healthy relationship if that's what they wanted. Sex is a big reason why relationships fail. But now I just want to give the relationships a chance to work. I chose sex as my profession because of my parents. But what if I could do better by treating the couple versus the individual? What would have happened if my parents had gone to therapy?"
That was mostly the truth. A really big part of it anyway. But the other part was that I had no interest in seeing another woman naked. I didn't care to talk sex with anyone or walk them through masturbation. I certainly wasn't interested in taking anyone else to the backroom and working things out there. All I needed was Ivy, no one else. But I couldn't tell Krista those reasons. She would turn it into something bad. Even though there was nothing bad about a man wanting to stay faithful to his woman. But she would make it sound as if Ivy was affecting my career.
"I'm really proud of you, Cade. I can't say I've always understood why you chose the career path of fucking women in order for them to lead healthy lives, but I've always supported it. And now I can say I not only understand, but I support you as well. If this Ivy person is responsible, then I guess I can give her a chance, too." Her words were soft and meaningful. She meant every one of them, and it set a sense of peace within me.