I wanted to wait until she was asleep before drifting off, but there is something to be said about sleeping peacefully. It happens to those who are content. The people with nothing plaguing their minds had nothing keeping them awake. I had never experienced it firsthand and now I knew that it was true. I let go and allowed my mind to take me places I had never been to before... and it took me there with Ivy in my arms.
I was on my back with my right arm still shoved beneath the pillow and my other arm hooked over my face. I stilled for a moment before opening my eyes; something woke me up. I needed a moment to figure out what it was. And then I realized that even though my arm was still beneath the pillow, there was nothing occupying the pillow anymore.
I moved my arm away and turned my head to check where Ivy was; she wasn't lying next to me. Instead, she was standing next to the bed, putting her clothes back on. Worry settled into the pit of my stomach as I stared at her back, wondering where she was going so early in the morning; the sun was barely up and we couldn't have gone to sleep long before that.
I threw the covers off and stood, deciding to get dressed as well. If she were going somewhere, I would go with her. Maybe she was just hungry and needed some food. I'd feed her-anything she wanted. Her head turned but her body stayed facing away from me. There was a look on her face that I couldn't place and it caused the hairs on the back of my neck to stand at attention. I couldn't understand where this was coming from. We had a good night together-no, an amazing night.
"Where are you going?" I asked as I walked around the bed to her.
She pulled her shirt over her head without looking at me. "I really do need to get home. I need a shower and clean clothes. I have work that needs to be done and I just need to go home." She said it as if she needed a hundred reasons to leave in case I had rebuttals to any of them. That worried me because it meant she was desperate to get away from me.
"Is everything okay, Ivy?" I asked, concerned.
She nodded but still wouldn't look at me.
I walked up to her, not giving her space to turn away, and held her chin with my fingers. I waited until she opened here eyes before talking. "I don't know what happened between last night and right now, but I really want you to talk to me. Don't just walk out on me without talking about it."
She smiled up at me and her eyes softened. "Cade, I just really need to get home. I don't have anything to talk about. I feel gross, I need my own toothbrush, I want my own bed, and I desperately need clean clothes. I feel like a bum right now."
Her reasons made sense and I felt like shit for questioning her, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong and she just wasn't telling me. "Okay, I'll give you a ride then. I have to go to the office anyway; I have been gone for a week and need to get things in order. Just give me a few minutes to get dressed."
"No, Cade, you don't have to do that. I can just call a cab. It's not problem."
"That's ridiculous. You don't live far from the office and I really do need to go there."
Her face fell as she nodded in agreement.
I dressed quickly, throwing on a tee shirt and jeans, and then rushed through brushing my teeth and slipping on shoes. I was scared that if I turned my back for too long, she'd slip right out the door. There was a new tension in the air, one I couldn't place. It felt like she wanted to bolt and I couldn't handle that so I rushed through it all while keeping one eye on her.
"Are you sure everything is okay?" I asked as I drove her back to her apartment. She was quiet in the car and it left me feeling unsettled. "I can't help but think something is going on that you're not telling me."
"I'm just tired. Had a long few days and a rather exerting night last night," she teased with a small smile. That helped a little. Her smile didn't seem forced. Maybe she was only tired; God knew I was. I felt like I could sleep for a week.
"Okay, get some sleep and call me when you wake up. I'll just be doing paperwork and getting things in order," I said as I pulled into her now familiar parking lot.
Ivy opened her door without even waiting for me to get out and help her. Her feet were out of the car and on the pavement before she turned around to look at me. "I don't know how long it will take; I'm really tired. I might just sleep all day and then through the night again. So don't plan your day around me."
I could only nod as she slipped from the car and closed the door behind her. I knew nothing about relationships, but I did know enough to assume couples kiss before parting. Or at least show some kind of affection toward one another. I just chalked it up to her being tired and needing sleep. I couldn't put too much thought into it without going insane so I made up excuses and drove to the office.
Excitement bubbled up inside as I sat behind my desk. I had a purpose and couldn't wait to get started on it. I knew what it was that I wanted to do and get straight to work getting it done. My mind was made up-I would no longer work as a sexual surrogate. I would leave that behind and move on to what it was I had gone to school for. I had to go through my list of clients and explain the situation, offering assistance in finding another form of therapy or possibly another therapist. I had been the only technical surrogate within two hundred miles, yet there were other sex therapists-they just didn't get as hands on as I did.
I spent hours going through each and every one of my clients, calling them personally. I contacted other therapists I've worked with or had been in contact with to inform them of my decision and let them know I would be referring patients to their practices. I had been a joke to some, demeaning what I did to their colleagues and looking at me as if I were nothing but a pervert, but most simply accepted it and kept their opinions to themselves. Those are the ones I referred patients to. The others didn't seem to grasp the changing in times and knew they would be of no help to the people that needed it.
I decided to take a break around noon, knowing I needed food since I hadn't had much over the last week. It showed in my body, too. I must've done some training while I binged on alcohol because my knuckles were beaten and bruised and my punching bag had been yanked from the ceiling. That was going to be a mess to fix, but so would be the holes in the walls around the house. Apparently, I had made quite a mess, breaking and smashing things, but I couldn't remember any of it and there was very little evidence left behind after Ivy cleaned it all up. The only reminders I had of the last week were my hands, my weak body, and the destroyed drywall. My break from work couldn't have come at a better time. I had a lot to fix. And I would start it at lunch.
I picked up my phone and dialed a number I hadn't used a long time. It rang twice before a very confused woman answered. "Hey, Krista. I know we're not supposed to have lunch until next week, but do you think you could meet me today?"
"Uh," she said, dragging out the word that was filled with puzzlement. "Yeah. Is everything okay?" Leave it to my cousin to assume something was wrong just because I was calling her and asking her for lunch. Granted, it had never happened before, but that didn't automatically mean something was wrong.
"Yes. Everything is actually … really good. I just wanted to talk to you."
We made plans to meet at our usual spot. I knew I would get there first since I was ready to leave and she still had to finish what she was working on, but I was okay with that. It would give me time to gather my thoughts before I unloaded everything on her in no particular order.
She walked into the restaurant fifteen minutes after I did and carefully made her way toward me. An awkward smile stretched across her face and I knew she'd have a million questions for me, but I also knew she would give me a chance to explain before berating me with them.
"I've decided to quit my job," I said as soon as she sat down. No greeting or asking how she was doing, just the first confession.
Her lips pursed and her eyebrows pinched together at the bridge of her nose. "How can you quit, Cade? You own the practice. How does one just quit something they own?"
"Easy. Just stop doing it. And that's what I've decided. I'm not going to do it anymore."
"So what are you going to do instead?" she asked, curiosity lacing her tone.
"I'm going to go back into marriage counseling. I'm keeping the practice and the office, but I'm changing what it is I'll be doing there. I have to file some paperwork and stuff and that will take some time, but I think I need the time to get things in order. I've never really taken a break from work before." And that was true. In the last twelve years, I had taken two vacations, and those were nothing more than extended weekends.