"I know. That's why I have the beliefs that I do."
"But cheating is a choice. If you choose to be faithful then you don't have to worry about it."
I'd had this argument many times before to many different people. Girls in high school, girls in college, woman since college … it never changed. Every female found it to be their mission in life to change my opinion, but they never could. My thoughts had been etched in blood and there was no wiping that away. None of them ever knew the whole story. The worst parts I kept secret, knowing people wouldn't understand. They'd only pity me and I didn't want Ivy's pity.
"Ivy, there really is no point in trying to get me to see the other side. It's how I feel and I can't change that. I will forever remember the way my parents ended, and they're gone now so I will never be able to talk to them in order to find out the reasons," I tried to end the conversation. I had left many holes in the story and I hoped that she was blind to my concealment.
Her eyes met mine and I noticed the color change immediately. The vibrant colors from the orgasm I had given her had dulled and the happy expression on her face that was there only moments ago had vanished. I tried to think of why her mood would have changed so drastically in such a short amount of time, but I couldn't come up with anything. My tone wasn't harsh or off-putting. I wasn't rude or short with her. I tried to think back what I said and nothing had sounded bad. Then she spoke … and I wanted to rewind time and take everything back.
"Then what in the hell am I doing here? You know what I want, Cade. I've told you before. I sought you out so that I could have a real relationship with someone; it was never just about sex. You say you have feelings for me … my God, the other night you told me you loved me. Last week at my apartment after the club, you told me you never wanted to let me go and that you wanted to own me. And now, sober, you tell me that you will never have a relationship, you don't believe in love, and you want something completely different than I do."
Fuck! My mind was spinning and I couldn't right it. I found the answer to the question I couldn't ask-my confession to Ivy wasn't a hallucination, it was real. I told her I loved her. If that was real, did that mean her response was, too? Did she tell me that I owned her? I needed to make things right before she walked away and I lost the chance.
I sank to the floor and wedged myself between her legs, wrapping my arms around her waist to pull her closer to me. I made sure she was looking at me before I spoke. "Ivy … listen to me." I swallowed, trying to find the right words to use. My voice sounded gruff and gravely. I didn't have enough time to plan anything out so I just had to go with what I was feeling. "I don't know what I want when it comes to you. In general, yes, I don't agree with relationships-never been in one-but when it comes to you and only you, I don't know about it anymore. The only thing that I know for absolute certainty is that I want you here and I don't want you to leave. I can't be apart from you for a day without going insane. I think about you all the time and I'm only calm when you're around. No, that's not right." I shook my head and then met her eyes again. "I'm not calm around you; I'm anything but calm. You wind me up so tight I feel like a loose cannon. You have my head spinning so fast I feel like I could take flight at any moment. You make my heart stop altogether that I think I'm in cardiac arrest and you give me such a constant erection that I'm paranoid someone has slipped me Viagra.
"I've never believed in monogamy, never thought it was achievable, but you make me want to believe in something that I didn't think existed. I don't know what it is, but it's something I've never experienced firsthand before. Yes, I told you that I never wanted to let you go and that's the truth. I don't. But, at the same time, that also scares me because forever has always felt so unobtainable to me. And yes, despite my weeklong binge drinking, I did tell you that I love you. I remember that. I also remember what you said to me. I don't know how to explain that because I don't know what it means. They say you speak the truth when you're drunk, it heightens your inhibitions, so maybe that's the truth … I don't know. I don't know how to describe how I feel about you because I've never felt this way before.
"So don't say that we want different things because that's not true. I know what you want; the problem is that I don't know what I want. I just know I want it with you-whatever it is." I pressed my forehead to hers and her hands immediately cupped my face. "As for why you're here? I honestly don't know. I've never done anything to deserve you being here. But I know that I don't want you anywhere else. And if you choose to leave … I'll follow you anywhere. I'll follow you to the ends of the earth." My voice broke when the sentence ended and I felt such emotion from the words I had just spoken, I was exhausted. But I had spoken the truth, as much as I could stand of it. Did it count as lying if you didn't tell the whole truth?
"Wow," she breathed and I felt it against my lips. "That's book worthy. And I wish it was in a book so I would know what my character is supposed to say to that. That's the great thing about books; the characters say all the perfect things at the precise moments. Right now, I am speechless."
"Just say you're not going anywhere."
She pulled my face closer and softly pressed her lips to mine. "I'm not going anywhere, Cade."
I smiled and kissed her again, never wanting to stop. I finally felt like I could relax, she wasn't leaving me. I pulled her even closer and deepened the kiss. I was more sure than ever that I was experiencing heaven in that moment. My heaven.
*****
The breakfast Ivy had made me turned cold by the time we made it back to the kitchen. After my confession, we stayed on the couch a little longer, talking about anything and everything. Well, everything except for the rest of my secret. I had realized I didn't know much about her outside of the clinical information I had in her file and the few things she had told me along the way. I wanted to know more. We kept it light, neither one of us wanting to hear the dark parts of our pasts after the morning we had.
I learned all about her favorite books and authors. She read just about anything from just about anyone, but she had a list of authors that she would follow and mark their release dates on a calendar so that she'd remember to get the books when they first came out. Her list included Carina Adams, Meghan March, Ker Dukey, and Amy Harmon-who apparently wrote a book that changed Ivy's life. She said there is nothing like reading the first edition of a book before readers that think of themselves as grammar experts start pointing out all of the imperfections. In her opinion, the slight imperfections in a book were like the imperfections in people-it's what makes them who they are. I loved listening to the way she spoke of these books and their characters as if they were real. At one point in time, I worried about the way she viewed books, but hearing her talk about them now gave me a completely different opinion on the matter.
I told her about college, how I studied psychology and then got my Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. She thought that was ironic considering my views on the subject, but I simply explained that it made perfect sense-I couldn't be a critic without the knowledge. She had laughed at that. We talked about the years right after college, when I made the decision to work as a sex surrogate and how I had gotten into it in the first place. Most people had either never heard of the profession or looked down on the practice, but that had never deterred me from pursuing it. It also never kept me from having a constant stream of clients. I could tell Ivy was a little hesitant to talk about my line of work, intimidated maybe, and I didn't know how to handle that. The last thing I wanted to do was rub it in her face that I was more experienced than she was, especially if we were about to embark on … whatever this was. So I made sure to keep it to the basics: why I chose it, did I like it, and was there ever anything else I ever thought about doing.
Then we made lunch-sandwiches-and spent the rest of the day lounging around and recovering. I was recovering from five days of heavy, blackout drinking, and Ivy was recovering from lack of sleep. We lay together on the couch and watched movies, alternating between each of our favorites.
A little after eight, I felt Ivy fall limp in front of me. We were on the couch with her back to my chest and my arm slung over her waist. Sometimes we held hands and other times I mindlessly caressed her outer thigh or forearm while we watched TV. But her hand was limp in mine and her breathing was slow and steady.