"It's not as cut and dry as that."
"Why not? Why isn't it that simple?"
"Because it still comes down to choosing between her and my career."
"What are you saying here, Cade? Do you have feelings for this girl? Because if it's not simply a choice between treating her or not treating her, then that's what you need to focus on. You need to figure out in what capacity you want her," he lectured me while looking me right in the eye. "Sounds like you have some thinking to do. My only advice would to be to think long and hard on whether or not you have feelings for her. And if you do, you need to know what they are before you make any decisions. The last thing you want to do is make a career change for a woman and have it turn out that your attraction to her is nothing that your job couldn't have taken care of. At the same time, you don't want to ignore these possible feelings and then lose any chance of ever being able to help anyone in the future because you've lost your ability to treat them. This will take a lot of thought on your part. Think hard, Cade."
I left his office feeling even more confused than I had been when I walked in. Now, instead of only worrying about the future of my career, I was also worried about these feelings I may or may not have had. Feelings? I had never thought about those before. I never had a reason to.
There was one session on my calendar after my appointment with Doctor Klaussen, but she had canceled earlier that morning. I was relieved, which was peculiar because I was never relieved when a client canceled. Not showing up or participating was more harmful to them and their success, and I didn't tolerate it. Yet I found myself content with her not coming in.
I went to my weekly basketball game and for the first time, I lost. Well, my team lost, but it was more or less my fault. My head wasn't in the game. Instead, it was stuck somewhere in the clouds replaying Doctor Klaussen's words and agonizing over how long it would take Ivy to call me. I felt as if every minute that passed by took forever. How long would she make me wait? And would I be able to sort things out without seeing her? Part of me felt as if I needed to see her, at least one more time before I could try to make sense of anything.
As I drove home from the basketball court, feeling the blast of cold air on my skin, I realized I needed to do something, anything to rid myself of these confusing and damaging thoughts that had overtaken me. My mind constantly went back and forth like a Ping-Pong ball. One minute I was concerned about Ivy and the next I was giving myself a pep talk, telling myself that I didn't need her. I tried convincing myself that I was only concerned about her because she was my client and nothing more. But then why was I contemplating a career change? How much of that was because of Ivy and how much of it was because of me? Was I simply getting burned out with what I was doing? That had to be it. Maybe I was just getting tired of what I was doing and needed a change. It had nothing to do with Ivy.
In my desperation to find some peace, I called Alyssa and invited her over. I had to promise to talk to her in order to get her to agree, but at that point, I didn't care. I needed to prove to myself that I was not hung up on Ivy Jaymes. I needed to prove to myself that the obsession I had with her had nothing to do with feelings and everything to do with the fascination to fix her. She was like a puzzle to me, and in order to figure her out, I needed to have a clear head. Yeah … sex would solve my problem.
Fucking Alyssa proved not to be the solution. I managed to stay in it without letting my thoughts veer off course too much to the path where a certain blonde with extreme intimacy issues existed, but that didn't mean that I hadn't conjured her up in my mind every time I closed my eyes while sinking balls deep into Alyssa. But she didn't need to know that. And as promised, I talked to her when we were done.
I had been strong the entire time, not letting it show how much Ivy had affected me. But sitting on my patio with a stiff drink and answering Alyssa's rather invasive questions, I gave into the weakness and opened up, telling her where my mind was at … well, mostly. I was so desperate for answers that I opened up and talked to someone other than Doctor Klaussen. That was yet another first for me.
"I just feel like I need a change, you know? I mean, I do find it important to help people overcome sexual issues, but what if I can do more to help people? Why can't I do both? Why can't I help people overcome the issues of their past that's keeping them from being sexual? Most of the time, their problems are because of things that have happened to them, whether it be they were teased in school or an uncle was a little too handsy with them. I can help them overcome those, deal with it, and then move past it. And by doing that, they could experience a healthy sex life. Why do I have to pick one or the other?"
"Because, Cade, if you go into what you've often referred to as bland therapy, you won't be able to sleep with your clients. You've said a thousand times that you can't treat them without touching them. How could you do both if you can't touch them?" she asked, throwing my words back in my face like a bucket of cold water.
I thought about it quietly, watching the moon reflect off the still water of my pool. My frustration grew the more thought I put into it. She was right, but I had been right, too. I could do both; it would just take some sacrifice. I knew all about sacrifice, had been doing it for most of my life, but was this something I wanted to choose either or? Would I be happy with only two halves instead of one whole? And why did I really want to do this? That was the bigger question.
"Where is this even coming from, Cade? Is it that girl?"
My head snapped in her direction, catching her eyes with mine. "Why would you think that?"
"I don't know, honestly. I would think you would want to keep the touching aspect of the job for her. From the little I've been able to understand about it, and from what you said to me last week about her, I would think you'd want to have the option to sleep with her. I don't understand why you would want to give that up."
She was right … Did I want to give up my chances of having sex with Ivy? No, I didn't. But I also wanted to help her. That's where my inner struggle was. I knew I needed to protect myself when it came to Ivy, and I started to think that maybe removing the possibility of sex would help make things easier. Maybe it would allow me to help her in the ways she needed without it being clouded by my compulsion to be with her. If I did that then she would get the help she sought and I would be able to walk away without completely losing myself.
"I don't do what I do to sleep with women. That's not why I got into this in the first place. I want to help them overcome their own weaknesses," I argued, no longer even remembering what we were talking about in the first place. All I could think about was how I would be able to keep Ivy in my life without destroying us both in the process.
"That didn't answer my question."
Since when did Alyssa become my shrink? I let out a breath of air and started again, this time with a little more honesty. "I do want to have sex with her-no, I want to fuck her. And that's the problem I'm facing. I can't fuck her. And I can't simply do what I've always done, either. I know that when we reach that part, the end of the road where I must decide to show her intimacy or send her off as cured, it won't even be a question. There is this need inside of me to be with her physically. But I can't put her on my table and walk her through it. It will end badly, for both of us."
"Then it sounds like a pretty easy solution to me."
I looked at her again with a raised eyebrow, asking her silently to continue.
"You can't work with her, Cade. If you can't put aside your own feelings or cravings in order to give her what she needs, then you can't help her. I'm sure she needs you, but there is no way this would end well for either of you."
"But I can't. I haven't talked to her in four days and I think I'm going to go crazy. I've become obsessed with helping her." Obsessed … that's the right word. That's what I was when it came to anything Ivy. Except, my obsession didn't end with just helping her; that wasn't all I wanted to do to her. I wanted to hold her close and never let her go. One minute I wanted to protect her and then the next minute I wanted to shove her away.
"I can't believe the big, bad Caden Morgan is contemplating a career change because of a woman. That you would give up the one thing you pride yourself on for someone that is insufficient in the bedroom. Are you thinking about doing this so that you can help her on a different level where you won't be tempted to fuck her, or is it because you want to have a relationship with her?"