She moved so that her bare feet were on my shoulders with her knees bent on the carpet above my head. It was one thing to have her cunt on my face, but then she leaned back and supported her weight with her hands on my chest. I could look up and see her body and I knew right then that I would have no objections to her assertion of control. I fucking loved it.
Once she was comfortable and I began to devour her pussy, she moved it away from me.
"No. The whole point in me sitting on your face is to give me the power. You may hold my hips, but you cannot control it. Got it?"
"Yes, ma'am," I said, muffled by her thighs. I would've probably agreed to anything at that moment as long as she moved her pussy close so that I could tongue her again. Her taste was exquisite and I was desperate for more.
She lowered herself again onto my lips and I had a hard time fighting off the urge to take control. It was hard not to grab her and maneuver her body the way I wanted her, but I just laid there while she rocked back and forth on my face, feeding me her pussy as she grinded erotically on my tongue. I allowed my hands to wander under her shirt and found her bare breasts, taking a handful and pinching her nipple as my other hand kneaded her ass.
I opened my eyes once I got over my lack of control and took in what was in front of my face. A pussy. A very beautiful and needy pussy. Of all the times to think about Ivy, that should not have been one of them. As Alyssa rode my tongue, moaning her pleasure-induced sounds into the air, I couldn't help but think about Ivy's fear of having someone look at her the way I was looking at Alyssa. I began to wonder if I would ever get to see Ivy in that way. To please her the same way I was pleasing Alyssa. Touch her the way I was touching Alyssa. To taste her the way I was tasting Alyssa. Or hear her make the sounds Alyssa was making. I began to grow mournful over the realization that it would never happen.
The more I thought about all of the things I would probably never get to experience with Ivy, even if I were able to help her get over her issues, the more focus I lost for the one that was actually sitting on my face. I should have been enjoying what was in front of me, not overthinking something I couldn't control at the moment.
Alyssa must have noticed my withdrawal and mood change because she stilled and then moved down my body. She straddled my sternum and then looked me straight in the eyes. It should have brought me back to the moment, but it didn't. Instead, I looked into her light blue eyes and vividly pictured the grey and red mixture of Ivy's. Imagining the turmoil that swirled in those colors. The things they bared witness to. The torment they had endured.
"I guess it was too much to ask that you give up control," she said as she continued down my body until her hand was pushed beneath the waistband of my shorts, taking hold of my flaccid dick. Her soft hands began to stroke it, enticing it to come to life while her eyes begged mine. "What's going on, Cade?"
I could only shake my head and hold her wrist to still her hand.
"I guess I'm just not in the mood anymore. My mind is elsewhere."
She pulled her hand away but didn't move from my body. "Wanna talk?"
"Not to you," I said and then saw her face fall.
She immediately began to fumble her way off me, not looking back into my eyes. I grabbed her by her shoulders, stopping her imminent escape and making her look at me. The rejection that filled her eyes, along with tears as she fought me to get away, tore at my core and I eventually relented.
"Alyssa, listen to me. I can't talk to you about it because it has to do with a patient. You know I can't discuss that with anyone." We were both on our knees, facing one another in what looked like a standoff. "I don't know what happened. But I promised you that I wouldn't go through with things if my mind wasn't in the moment with you. And right now, it's not. I can't explain it. I honestly don't know what happened. I'm only fulfilling a promise I have made to you."
She lowered her head and wiped the few stray tears from her have. "I know. Thank you. But I still don't know why you can't explain it. I mean, I know you have rules about your clients and what they tell you, but you were eating me out one minute and then gone the next. Something had to have happened."
I finally sat back, giving her some space between our bodies and took a deep breath. I understood her desire to know what caused my lack of attention after we were already in the moment. But I struggled with explaining it to her without betraying Ivy or my job, and without making it sound like I was thinking of another woman while tongue-fucking her.
"There's this woman who has lived through some of the worst emotional and mental child abuse I've ever seen. I'm starting to believe that I haven't even heard it all. One of the fears she still has after all of this time is having someone-or even herself-look at her vagina. I opened my eyes and looked at yours. It just made me sick all over again, thinking about what she has been through in her life. I swear, it wasn't anything you did."
Her eyes never left mine, but her mouth opened and closed, trying to make words but failing.
"Alyssa," I started, moving closer to her again and taking her by her shoulders. "This wasn't a personal thing and I know that's how you're taking it. But I swear to you, it's not. It's not about you or what you were doing. We've fucked enough times for you to know that and believe me."
I was not a groveler, never one to get on my hands and knees in front of any woman. But Alyssa was different. She understood me and at the time, I felt as if she and I were cut from the same cloth. Even though I was concerned about her feelings and how she was interpreting what I was telling her, my actions were very selfish. I didn't want to find another woman that could satisfy my needs the way Alyssa could, or one that viewed relationships the same way I did. Women like Alyssa were like a needle in a haystack. And I didn't have nor want to spend the time trying to find a new one. The only thing I needed to do was get Ivy out of my head. It was toxic the way I thought about her.
"I just don't understand why you were thinking of that while you were doing … "
"I don't know, either. The only thing I can say is that I was with her tonight-"
"Cade!" She backed away from me, pushing me off her. "We agreed that you would not come to me after leaving another woman. You know that I don't mind you sleeping with other people, but my God! Have some fucking class and respect for me!" she lashed out.
"No, Alyssa, I wasn't with her like that. I met up with her as a patient; that was it. Nothing sexual happened."
She calmed and began to dress. "Call me when you have your head in the right place."
Her voice was calmer but she seemed withdrawn and hurt by my actions. I didn't have time to pacify her. It wasn't in me to do that with Alyssa or any other woman outside of my office. That was my job, and as such, not something I cared to do in my off time, at home with a woman.
"Just stay," I relented with a sigh. I don't know where it came from, but something in me felt as though it was changing. I had never invited Alyssa or anyone else to stay and not have sex. Call it guilt over what I had put Alyssa through over the last few days; call it loneliness-whatever the fuck it was, I hated it. It wasn't me. I couldn't help but think Ivy Jaymes had something to do with it. She had clearly gotten under my skin, inside my head, and seemed to be able to take over everything with her horrific past and tortured eyes.
"And do what?" she asked in a soft voice.
"We'll watch a movie," I suggested and moved to the couch.
She stood where she was, not moving and only staring at me with a questioning gaze.
"What?" I asked without patience. "Are you staying or not?"
"Why do you want me to stay?" Her tone was demanding. She wasn't asking a question, she was demanding an answer, one I wasn't sure I could give her. But she didn't let up with the intense stare as she stood before me with her hands perched on her hips.
Normally, I would have looked at those hips and felt the need to feel them writhing beneath my fingertips, but not now. All I could do was shake my head, run my fingers through my hair, and ask myself why I had offered for her to stay.
"Do you want to talk? Because I already told you, Cade, I'm here to listen to you if you do."
"No, I don't want to talk," I barked out, clearly irritated. At whom, I wasn't sure. One thing was for sure. I didn't want to fucking talk.
"Then what is it?"
"I just don't want to be alone, all right? Is that okay with you? Is that a decent enough of an answer to satisfy you?" I had lost it. My hands were so tightly wound in my hair that I could literally feel the roots being ripped from my scalp. The scowl was so hard on my face that my face muscles began to hurt.