Luscious(13)

“I’m sorry.”

He took a deep breath and really meant it when he said it this time. “It’s all right.”

It wasn’t her fault she couldn’t deal with his lifestyle choices. He hadn’t exactly talked to her about it. They’d spent the week chatting about inconsequential things. He knew she liked to watch mystery movies and read romances, and he’d talked about the fact that he loved reading thrillers. They’d spent an enormous amount of time in the kitchen where he felt the most comfortable. He’d avoided talking about his past. She was glib when she talked about hers. Now that he looked at it, they hadn’t been serious at all.

Roommates. They hadn’t tried to be anything more and maybe that was all right. He didn’t want to get involved with a woman who didn’t want to know him. He’d already been married to one.

“It doesn’t feel all right,” she said in a quiet voice.

“It’s not a big deal. I’m sorry I didn’t explain it to you before. The party earlier was for Grace’s family. This one is for Grace’s friends. Her kink family, if you will. I’ll handle everything. I have to make sure Serena and Adam know how to reheat if they need to. My brother is actually quite good in the kitchen, too.” He politely broke her hold and stepped away. If they weren’t going to be more than friends, he didn’t think it was appropriate to get intimate. He also didn’t want a quick hookup or a “friends with benefits” type thing with her.

“Sean is involved, too,” she said quietly. “That’s why he called the restaurant Top. I thought it was because he wanted to be the top restaurant, but that wasn’t what he meant.”

He looked back at her. She was leaning against the fridge, her arms crossed over her chest. He kept the island between them, giving her space since it looked like she’d gone back into protective mode. “It’s not something you have to worry about. Sean’s a good guy.”

“He hits his wife.”

That felt like a kick in the gut. Well, it was better to know sooner than later. “They play together. Everything they do is mutually agreed on and for her pleasure. Does Grace look like an abused woman?”

She shook her head as though trying to clear it. “Could you give me a minute? I’m trying to wrap my brain around it.”

This was what his brother had to deal with all these years. “You don’t have to. It has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t hurt you or anyone. It’s people choosing to live and play together. If you can’t handle that, the door is that way, but if you think I’m going to stand here and debate with you whether Sean and my brother are abusive husbands because they and their wives indulge in spanking and bondage, you’re wrong. I won’t justify myself or my family to you.”

Tears had formed in her eyes and it took everything he had to stand his ground and not reverse everything he’d said. She stood there as the tears fell on her cheek, but she wasn’t looking at him. She was staring at a place on the floor as though she couldn’t stand to look at him. As if he was going to turn into some kind of monster.

He forced himself to move. He grabbed the cake plate and started readying Grace’s birthday cake for transfer.

“He went to a lot of trouble for her. Two parties for her birthday,” she mentioned quietly.

“He loves her. You should see what Big Tag does for his wife. Who is also his sub.”

“And you want to have that kind of relationship?”

He sealed the cake in and prayed he made it across the yard without tripping. He’d almost lost a plate of petit fours for the family party when he’d tried to take a shortcut to Bessie. God, he was calling her car by that name now, too. Ally had saved the little cakes. She’d been walking right next to him, chatting away. He hadn’t realized how closely she’d been watching him.

He was going to miss their easy friendship. He’d been thinking bitterly about it before, but now he realized how lonely he was going to be without her. He would have taken her friendship without the sex if that was all he could have. A heaviness set over him.

“I’ve never had that kind of relationship. I’ve been training and I like it. I enjoy feeling like I have control somewhere. I like feeling like someone needs me even if it’s only for a while. But that doesn’t matter. I won’t hit you, Ally, if that’s what you’re really asking. I won’t hurt you or try to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. Look, if knowing this about me makes you uncomfortable staying here, then let me loan you some money to get your own place. I don’t have much but I can float you a down payment and first month’s rent. You can pay me back in installments.”

“You want me to leave?”

“No, but I don’t want you to be afraid of me and I think you are right now. You don’t have to decide tonight. I’ll stay over at the big house and we can talk about it in the morning.” He picked up the cake. “Don’t forget to lock the deadbolt.” He turned to go and thought about having a beer. His brother would have a fridge full of it, but he would only have one. He was going to do his job and ensure everything was all right with the play party and then he’d hit the guest room and sit up all night wondering how he was going to miss a person he’d only known for a few weeks.

Her arms went around his waist and she plastered her front to his back. “Please don’t go. Not like this.”

“Ally, it’s all right. I’m not going to kick you out. It’s okay.”

She didn’t let go. If anything, her hold tightened. “I’m not afraid of you. I know you wouldn’t hurt me. And I know Sean and Adam are good men. Please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t expect it and I had a bad reaction and I’m sorry. I get stuck in a corner sometimes and I’m too stubborn to come out. I don’t want to leave here. I don’t want to leave you.”

“What is this really about?” It felt bigger than a misunderstanding. He set the cake down because it looked like this conversation was going to take a while.

She was quiet for a moment, her head resting against his back. “My dad hit my mom. He was a mean drunk. She left when I was eight. I wished she’d taken me with her. He didn’t smack me around, but he would scare the crap out of me. That’s when I started running away.”

He’d wondered. She was so glib that she had to be glossing over something bad. He let his hand drift to where she was holding on to him like a lifeline. “No one’s going to hurt you here, baby.”

He probably shouldn’t have used the endearment. She wasn’t his baby, but he wanted to give her some affection and words were likely the only way she would take it from him.

She slowly let go and he turned around. Her face was red, and he knew telling him that truth about herself had cost her. He didn’t want to hurt her. Not physically. Not emotionally. She was so strong and he hated to see her looking vulnerable. The last time he’d seen her like this was when Timothy had assaulted her. He kept his hands to his sides despite the fact that he wanted to hold her. “It’s all right. You don’t have to talk anymore. It’s okay.”

She walked right into his arms like she belonged there. She put her head against his chest, her body flush to his. She wasn’t trying to put distance between them or show him that they could still be friendly. This was an all-out plea for comfort, and he couldn’t deny her. He sighed as his arms wrapped around her and their bodies fit together for the first time in days.

This was where he’d needed to be. This was what he’d wanted. He’d wanted to be able to smell her shampoo and feel her body nestled to his, but it was confusing.

“Ally, I don’t understand. Baby, you’re going to have to tell me what you want from me because I can’t read your mind. I’ve kept my hands to myself all week because it seems like you only want to be friends, but I have to say, it feels like more right now. If I’m reading you wrong, I would like for you to tell me. I care about you. A lot. If you don’t feel the same way, please tell me. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. It doesn’t mean you can’t stay here. I simply need to adjust my expectations.”

Her head moved against his chest like she was trying to find the right spot. She settled her ear right over his heart. “Have you ever wanted something, but you know you probably can’t have it?”

“Baby, I haven’t been playing coy. If you want me all you have to do is ask.” He smoothed a hand down her hair, enjoying the rich feel of it. Like spun silk. “But you should know that while I don’t have to top you to have a relationship with you, all my friends are into the lifestyle. If that’s going to bother you, maybe we should talk about it.”

“Or maybe you should show me and I’ll promise to try not to let the fact that my dad was an atrocious human being ruin this, too.” Her face turned up, her eyes still shining with tears. “I’m not usually like this, Macon. I promise. I’m not so damaged that I can’t have a relationship. And I know I pulled back this week, but I wanted you to know me. I thought it was a bad idea to jump into bed with you. I didn’t want to be just another woman you went to bed with.”