Daddy's Here(18)

"It's not your decision," he replied, a sneer forming on his lips.

"No," Jake said from the doorway. "It's mine."

The man spun round to face him as Jake let the bathroom door close  behind him. "Stay out of the way, Jake," the man said. "Tony's running  out of patience."

"She's staying with me, Adrian," Jake replied. "Now I'll give you a chance to leave. Go and tell him he's not getting her."

"You've lost it," Adrian said. "Step aside and let us go. Worry about  your own neck." As he spoke, he suddenly lunged at Jake but he wasn't  fast enough.

Jake sidestepped him, sticking out an ankle and tripping Adrian as he  ran forwards. As he began to fall, Jake landed on his back, slamming his  head straight into the tiles underneath him.

He lifted his head back up, took one glance at the closed eyes and blood  dripping from his lip and then let it fall forwards again. "Come on,"  he said, getting to his feet. "Before he wakes up."

We headed out of the bathroom together, him leading the way. A car was  approaching from the distance but Jake seemed to spot the danger at  once, taking my hand and turning down an alleyway. "We'll cut round to  the train station," he said, stepping over a pile of rubbish.

"But we haven't got any money."

"We have now," he replied, pulling a wad of notes from his pocket.

"Where did you get that?"

"You didn't think I was just playing pool for fun, did you?"

"You won all that?"

He nodded. "Come on."

We got to the end of the alley and then he led the way back to the train  station, watching all the time to see if the car reappeared. Once in  the station, he headed for the ticket office, stopping to turn to me at  the last second. "Does your father know about Ben?"

"What? No, why?"

"Because he might tell Tony where you're going."

"I never told anyone where he ended up."

"Good. Hopefully you'll be safe there."

It was the first time I'd thought about Ben in some time. The thought of  what Jake had done to me in the clothes shop and on the train weighed  heavy on my mind as he bought the tickets. Had I cheated?

Could you cheat when you weren't in a relationship with someone? I  didn't think you could but it didn't stop me feeling guilty about it and  I vowed not to do anything else with Jake, no matter how insistent he  was, not until I found out what Ben felt about me. God, what a mess, I  thought as we climbed onto the waiting train. What a mess I'd made of my  entire life.





TWENTY-SIX


JAKE





I needed to let her go. I knew that. Sitting on the train on the seat  opposite hers, I struggled to look at her without all the old emotions  bubbling up, the ones I'd stamped on for so long.

I leant back on my seat and closed my eyes. If she stayed near me, she'd  get hurt. There hadn't been a single person I'd been close to who  hadn't gotten hurt sooner or later. It was better to keep people out, to  go back to my old ways. I could vanish again once I'd made sure she was  safe in Gladwell. I could lead them on a chase far away from there,  leave a trail of breadcrumbs so they thought she'd gone somewhere else.  Better that than the alternative.

I shouldn't have done that thing on the train. It was a mistake. I'd  lost control for a brief moment but I wouldn't do it again, or so I  thought. But then the sight of her naked in front of me in the dressing  room had made it impossible to ignore the call of my body. The way she'd  looked so lovingly up at me as I slid into her mouth, it was an image I  struggled to shake off. She looked so vulnerable but so hungry for me  at the same time.         

     



 

In a way it was lucky the shop assistant had appeared when she did.  Otherwise I had no doubt I'd have gone too far, I'd have fallen for her,  something that could only end in pain for both of us.

It was jarring enough to be experiencing emotions again for the first  time in years. All I'd known for a very long time was aggression and  emptiness. But she'd shown me what it felt like to be happy, a feeling  I'd long forgotten.

When was I last happy? I remembered when Sarah told me she was pregnant.  That was a perfect moment, one that allowed me to gloss over the  warning signs that had so regularly flared during our relationship. When  you're a doorman for a dodgy bar, you should know that the women who  come in aren't going to be marriage material. She'd seemed different  though. At first.

Watching her belly swell, I had become utterly entranced by the idea of  becoming a father, a feeling I hadn't expected, not after my own  childhood experiences. But the baby came out without a hitch and I was  suddenly the ultimate Dad, not even flinching at the birth, even as she  cursed me with every name under the sun. She was beautiful too, the most  beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

I blamed myself for what happened. I had a hell of a long time in prison  to mull over everything, long enough to decide I should have spotted it  sooner. I should have questioned Sarah about the bruises that kept  appearing on Abbey's pudgy little legs, the way she seemed only to  scream when she knew I was going out to work and leaving the two of them  alone.

"She's just a Daddy's girl," Sarah had said in that reassuring voice of  hers, placating me so many times that I felt sure I was wrong. I was  suspicious but she was cunning, far more cunning than me. I'll never  understand why she did it, what made her mind snap and take out all her  anger on our perfect, angelic, little baby girl.

It wasn't like I hadn't been used to lies before. Years earlier, when  I'd been growing up, I'd had a full education in the lies people tell,  the darkness that lurks in the human mind.

I sat on the train with my eyes tightly shut as a memory came back to  me, one that I'd kept buried for so long, I was surprised it was still  there. Maybe it had always been there, just waiting for me to weaken  long enough to come back and try and take over my psyche.

I was at school getting picked up for the state of my clothes. Smelly  skin, smelly clothes. Not enough to warrant any of the teachers giving a  toss but enough to warrant being the butt of the other kids my age. I  was in the middle of a fight as I had been so many times before. I  learned a lot about fighting in that school, not much else. I didn't  care if I got sent home. If I did, I'd get to try and protect my mother  from my father's drunken attacks.

I was sent home that day, the memory becoming clearer the longer my  thoughts fixed on it. I was dragged away from four other boys and told  that I'd started it, that I was out of control. I was a disgrace, a  violent thug who would never amount to anything.

I remembered walking home with my ear still ringing from the punch that  had landed so hard on it, the one that meant I had to teach a lesson to  the shit who'd done it to me.

I walked into the house expecting to hear them shouting at each other  but instead there was silence. My mother wasn't there. My father was  though, sat in his stained armchair, a half full glass in his hand.  "What have you done now?" he asked, his voice slurred.

"Where's mum?"

"She's gone," he said, leaning back and draining the glass. "That's what  women do, Jakey. It's your fault, you know? Everything was fine until  you came along."

He continued to rant but I'd stopped listening. Mum had gone? It didn't  seem possible. I'd tried to persuade her to leave so many times, making  her promise she'd take me with her when she went, telling her I'd  protect her. And then she left without me.

He sat getting drunker while I went into my bedroom, the smell of damp  and mould overpowering my nostrils. Even as an adult, I only had to  smell damp to be back there, miserable and cold all over again. I found  the note she'd left for me, the words seared into my soul. I could  remember it perfectly. ‘I'm sorry for not taking you with me,' she'd  written. ‘But I don't want you to see what I'm going to do. I love you,  Jakey. I'm sorry.'

I jolted upright, opening my eyes to find Isabel smiling across at me. "You were asleep," she said. "You were dreaming."

I looked back at her with an overwhelming sadness passing through me. I  had to let her go. Abbey had been hurt because of me, Sarah standing up  in court and saying everything went wrong when the baby came along. My  mother had been hurt because of me. I couldn't let the same thing happen  to Isabel, it would be too cruel.         

     



 

I'd drop her off at Ben's house then I'd work out what to do next. She  was better off away from me, everyone was better off away from me.  That's why you don't get involved, I told myself as she turned to look  out of the window again. When you get involved, people get hurt.





TWENTY-SEVEN


ISABEL





Whatever the dream was, it was a bad one. It was the first time I'd seen  him look scared, his face contorting even as his eyes remained tightly  closed. I sat watching him, wondering what it was he was dreaming about.