He had wanted to go to her, sink to his knees before her and warm her frozen hands in his. He had wanted to gather her to his chest and run his hands down her back to soften the steel of her spine. He had wanted to encourage her to rail and rant and release the rage and fear he sensed beneath the surface of her strained composure.
Instead, he had done nothing. Their last few hours together had not given him that right, that freedom.
Having reached the front door, she stopped and turned to face him. Before him stood the super-composed, fully self-contained woman who had entered his office, seeking a position as bookkeeper. Roderick studied her with a hard knot in his throat. She looked back at him, but her expression was flat. It held nothing of the passion and fire he had seen in her not many hours before. Gone was the woman who had ruled his gambling room with her sparkling smile and innate sensuality. Gone was the woman who had insisted he make love to her despite his fear of this very moment.
“Thank you for your escort home. You have my deepest appreciation.”
Inexplicable anger clawed through him. “I don’t want your appreciation, Emma.”
Her jaw tensed and her shoulders squared. Something flickered in her gaze. “Then what do you want?”
A sick feeling twisted his stomach. “You know I would not exploit this situation.”
Her lashes swept over her gaze and she glanced aside.
“Have I given you reason to distrust me?” he pressed.
Her gray eyes lifted to meet his. “It is not you I distrust, Roderick,” she answered in a low murmur. “It is myself.”
He shook his head, but before he could speak, she went on.
“My sisters—my family—are too important. They are all I have, and I cannot fail them again as I did tonight.” She glanced to the parlor. “I can only pray Lily returns home safely, but if—when—she does, it will not be the end of things. The scandal that could erupt from the kind of experience she has likely endured tonight would be devastating, and you know as well as I that scandal is not the worst we have to prepare for. I must do all I can to protect my sisters.”
“I can protect you and your family.”
“No,” she answered sharply, meeting his gaze again. The gray of her eyes was hardened with determination and the strength he had admired in her from their first meeting at the club. “It is not your responsibility. We are not your family.”
She was right. He had no family. Even when his mother had been alive, she had been far more concerned with those who had turned their backs on her than a child she had never wanted.
For a while, he had felt something special with Emma. A connection unlike any he had known before. And she was severing it.
He wanted to grasp ahold of her and drag her against him. Wanted to claim her mouth. Most of all, he wanted her to welcome him into her embrace.
But the truth of her words twisted inside him, reminding him of who he was. He had cultivated a life in which he surrounded himself with people who, like him, did not fit in to greater society. He had been content to exist in his little universe, interacting with those of his father’s world only when he desired it for his own gain or profit.
And then he met a young lady who crossed those boundaries with ease. She had settled into life at the club, filling a niche and drawing him in with her pert tongue and intelligent gaze. Yet, she existed in that other world as well. Gracing ballrooms and dinner parties with her gentle smile and self-possession.
It was to the latter she belonged and always would, and so her next words came as no surprise at all.
“I will not be returning to the club. You will need to find another bookkeeper.”
His teeth clenched too tightly for him to form a reply.
“I want to…thank you again for what you have done to help my family.” Her words were soft and stilted. “And for what you have done for me.”
“What have I done for you, Emma?”
She took a step toward him. Then another, until their bodies pressed together in perfect alignment. Tipping her head back, she met his gaze and lifted her hands to rest them gently against his chest.
“You allowed me the freedom to hold nothing back, to express all I have been feeling inside. It was lovely beyond comprehension.” She closed her eyes and Roderick brought his arms up around her, pulling her close, needing to feel her warmth and life. “But it can never happen again,” she murmured.
He had known the words were coming, had braced for them, but still couldn’t prepare for the deep feeling of loss that filled him in response.
He understood. How could he not?
A woman who would risk her reputation to take a position at a gambling hell and then attend a notorious party in her determination to save her family would always put the security of those she loved before her own desires.