I wanted to see her…
I only wanted to keep seeing her… Because, each time I did, my heart would fill with hope that I would come out of this operation alive.
“I can’t help it.” she appeared to look brave, but I knew better. I knew, deep inside, she was crumbling, as was I.
I didn’t want this to end, not yet. Not this way. It was way too cruel. However, looking around the whiteness of my surroundings, I knew I was powerless—helpless—to whatever life had in store for me. Once they opened me in the operating room, it was all going to be a gamble. It wasn’t fair, but at that point, it was either I risk gambling my life or sign up for a death sentence. It wasn’t much of a choice, but I’d take the gamble over not having to fight at all for life, a life I wanted very much to keep.
I felt weak, but I tried to give her a brave smile, hoping it would keep those tears at bay. “They’re going to wheel me out in twenty minutes to prep me for the operation,” I started to say, unsure of where I was going with this, but at the same time, I knew we had to talk about it, about the possible outcome. It sure as fuck was a hard subject to tackle, yet I knew I must, even if it killed me inside. The lump in my throat made it difficult to swallow any saliva to wet the dry confines of my mouth, making it all the harder to speak. “Just in case I don’t survive—”
Lily’s finger shakily covered my lips, pleading with me not to finish what I had been about to tell her. “No. Don’t think like that. You will survive this. You’re a fighter. Don’t give up on me … or the baby. Please,” she begged me to stop while I fought all the emotions that had ballooned in my chest.
Did she know that I hated being in this position—feeling weak and helpless, not knowing if I would live another day? Did she have any clue how it was killing me to give her the speech I had been about to give? However, if I didn’t, I would regret it. It was a fucked up situation, and as much as I wanted her to keep loving me, denying her and our future child’s happiness would be utterly cruel.
“I will try, Lil. You know I will, but this is beyond my control.” Reaching for her hand, I memorized the feel of it, its warmth, before pulling her close, letting her head rest upon my chest, hoping she would know how difficult this was for me.
The words terrorized my whole existence, but I must get them out before it was too late. Before I even opened my mouth to speak, I felt the hot tears prickle at the back of my eyes, needing release.
“I don’t want to die. I want to see you swell with my baby. I want to see my child being born into this world. I want to share that joy with you. I wish that more than anything. You must believe me.” I had to pause because my heart was starting to hurt badly, and I needed to take a moment, to take a short breath to gather my bearings before continued. “If things turn for the worst, I’m hoping you will name our child with my last name? I want him or her to have something of me.”
Lily fell into heaps of tears, crying with no constraint, as if the floodgates had just been opened, and there was no stopping it from coming.
My hospital gown was beyond soaked from her cries, but I wasn’t done, not even close.
As much as I wanted to see her walk down the aisle and marry me, it would be selfish if I took a future without me from them, too. They both deserved to have a second chance, to be a family with a loving home, with a man to protect and love them just as fiercely as I had loved them.
“When the time comes, I want you to move on. I want my child to have a good, loving home and a good father figure for him or her. Will you … promise me that, Lil?” My voice cracked at the end. I knew I was asking too much, most especially at such a fragile time. I needed her to make the vow, though. I needed her to promise she would do her very best to make it happen, that she wouldn’t mourn for me. I wanted her to celebrate my life and the new life of our child.
Lily’s fiery eyes met mine, giving me such a determined look that one would assume she was ready for a battle. “No. I won’t promise you that. I will never fucking promise you that, Drake Tatum. There will be no other man except you, do you hear me? So, get your ass in gear because you will survive this. You can and you will do this because, if you don’t, I will fucking die without you. Do you hear me? Yeah, I will die from heartache. So, please, don’t do that to me.”
“Oh, Lil, you’re so brave,” I murmured with melancholia, letting the ghosts of our past bury themselves in the back of my mind. Each time I thought of that particular moment, I was reminded how fragile life was. What’s more, seeing Lily on the hospital bed with a very similar-looking hospital gown to what I wore before, it brought out the ugly ghosts that still hounded my dreams.