Truth be told, when I was their age, I knew a lot more than I should have, or at least thought I did. The two of them together were worse than me, so I probably wasn’t fooling anyone.
Jax was confused about what he perceived as reality, not that I cared. As long as he thought he was dreaming, it didn’t matter what he was thinking about in that little head of his. For now, Miranda was in the clear. They’d all seen her naked before. The woman never had a second to herself. She couldn’t even go to the bathroom without them coming in needing something from her.
Izzy finally pushed the covers all the way down once the boys retreated to go get dressed. “Daddy, can you take me to Noah’s after breakfast?”
“Sure can, as long as you go put some clothes on and brush those nasty yellow teeth. What if he has a cute friend over? Those funky things would send him running in the opposite direction.”
She giggled. “I don’t like boys. They have B.O. and say curse words.”
Miranda walked over and sat on the bed, laughing her head off. “That’s right. Boys stink!”
“Except for Dad.” She looked up at me with a smile and I kissed the top of her head.
Miranda smirked. “Your dad was one of those boys, when we were kids.”
“Eww. He was?” I liked that Izzy only thought of me as being awesome. She was eleven, an age where she wanted to feel like she was grown up, but had so much to learn before that could happen. Miranda and I always tried to be straight with her if she had questions, no matter how absurd they might have been.
I still had to deny ever having body odor. “I’ll have you know that I never stunk. Your mother is full of bologna.”
Izzy giggled and climbed out of the bed. “I like the way he smells.”
I nudged Miranda and she gave me her annoyed look. “Yeah, well, he didn’t always smell so wonderful. He was a stinky boy, who said stinky things for attention.”
“Did you think he was cute?” Izzy was laughing, but intrigued that we knew each other as kids.
It wasn’t like we were close. I’d see her in the summer when I visited. We called each other cousins back then, and I never would have considered her someone to date. “We were kissing cousins,” I joked.
“You were not.” Izzy couldn’t stop laughing and neither could I.
I continued telling my fake story, while chuckling through it. “She used to chase me around, trying to kiss all over me. You should have seen her.”
Miranda slapped my side. “That is not true. Your dad was annoyin’. I never would have liked him back then. He stared at older ladies boobs too much.”
She’d called me out, in front of my precious girl. I had to defend my honor to all pubescent men. “In my defense, boobs were an amazing discovery for a boy. It was only natural to want a peek.”
They both cringed.
“You’re gross. I’m gettin’ dressed now.” Izzy jumped off the bed, leaving me there with my agitated wife.
Did I mention that she was holding a metal spatula?
It came across my leg hard. “I can’t believe you said that to her. She’s goin’ to tell all her friends that you’re obsessed with breasts now.”
I pulled her into my arms. “It’s no secret.”
She wriggled out of my hold and stood in front of me. After shaking her head, being at a loss for words, she walked out of the room, leaving me in bed all alone.
Twenty minutes later, after a shower, shave and a clean pair of clothes, I felt awake enough to join the chaos at the breakfast table. Miranda had made eggs and creamed chipped beef. I sat there staring at the boys, ripping apart bread and creating a tower on their plates. Knowing that they barely ate that much, it was obvious it would get wasted. “I think you both have enough bread.”
They looked at me and kept ripping more pieces anyway.
Miranda handed me a cup of coffee and noticed their plates. “Seriously? Cut it out you two. It’s too early for you to not listen. We’re here to visit, not to cause anyone grief. Do you understand? I will let Uncle Colt put you over his knee.”
They looked at each other and laughed at her.
“Hey, listen to your mother, or I’m going to put you over my knee after Colt’s done with ya. Got it?”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Iz sitting quietly, eating her food, as if nothing crazy was going on around her. She smiled and I winked back at her, being thankful that one of the kids could act right at the table.
“Jax farted!”
Sometimes, though, it was hard not to laugh, especially considering that every meal consisted of some sort of conversation about poop or farts. “Do you want to not eat?”