Max thought of Ryan’s quiet, polite mother, and she couldn’t imagine her hearing about what he’d done to her—or anyone else—which turned Max’s stomach. She’d considered calling the police when Ryan had hurt her, but the shame of willingly allowing him to use that thing on her had held her back. Now she realized she might have saved the other woman from being hurt if she’d filed a police report.
“You hurt someone else?”
Ryan explained that he’d hooked up with another girl a few nights after Max had left him, and they’d gone back to her apartment off campus. While they were in bed, she’d taken the dominant role, and Ryan’s memories had come rushing back. He told her that it was as if he’d blacked out. He didn’t remember hitting the woman, or calling her names, and when he’d regained control, she had locked herself in the bathroom, bruised and bleeding. She told him that if he left, she wouldn’t report him to the police.
“After being back home for a week or two, my parents began to notice—or maybe accept is a better word—the changes. My father tracked down psychiatrists and psychologists. He took me to just about every doctor he could find. They all made the same diagnosis, but he didn’t want to accept it. Hell, I didn’t want to accept it, but I also didn’t want to be that person who hurt people.”
“Should I have seen something? Did I miss a major sign? Was it triggered by the thought of moving with me out of state?” Max asked. All these years I thought your anger was aimed at me specifically. What else have I misjudged?
“No. It had nothing to do with that. They don’t really know why I started recalling the memories, but I went through an inpatient program where they assessed and treated and reassessed. You know my mom. She was nowhere near prepared to deal with this. I’ve gone through years of therapy, and it took forever for them to find the right protocol of drugs to even things out. But you know, it’s been a few years since they figured it all out.” He shrugged. “And now it’s just a part of who I am and who I will always be. Luckily, with medication, I’m not violent, and I don’t have delusions anymore or anything. I just kind of live a regular life with all of that hanging over me.” He took a drink of water, and then said, “Max, I’m not telling you this to gain your sympathy. I take full responsibility for my illness and my actions. But I am glad that you got in touch with me. I have been wanting to explain it to you and to apologize. I know you, Max, and I know you probably blamed yourself all these years. You’re so sensitive. It’s one of the things I loved about you. I’m so sorry. For those weeks, that night, and for all the nights since then that you’ve relived it. If I could erase it all from your mind and add your burden to mine, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”
It wasn’t me. It wasn’t because he was going to move with me. The thoughts of her misplaced blame were quickly pushed aside and replaced with thoughts of Ryan, the boy she’d known before he changed, and the man he was, bravely sitting there with her.
“You must have been so scared.” As scared as I was that night.
“Petrified. Imagine not wanting to live in your own skin. That’s what it was like,” he said honestly. “When I think back to how I hurt you for all those months, the awful things I said, and that night…and then, that other woman…I just wish it all never happened.”
She saw in his eyes honesty and pain, and beyond that, she saw something else, too, that she had never expected to see again. She saw the young man who was her friend.
“Ryan, I forgive you.” If anyone had asked her yesterday if she’d ever forgive Ryan Cobain, she would have said, Never, without hesitation. As she looked at him sitting across from her, not hiding behind his illness, not shirking the responsibility of having done those hurtful acts, but laying his life out for her like an open book, she felt the anger leaving her body, floating out with the words as they rolled off her tongue. “I do, Ryan. I forgive you.”
He looked down at his lap, then up again. A little nag in the back of Max’s mind worried that he’d look back with those cold, dead eyes—but he didn’t. The same warm man who had apologized only moments before was right there in front of her, looking at her with empathy, honesty, and tears in his eyes.
“I can’t tell you what that means to me,” he admitted. “I didn’t mean to get so emotional.”
“How could you not? This whole thing is emotional. Those years were emotional. Do you remember what we were like when we first met? Everything had us on an emotional high.” She smiled at the happier memories as they coasted through her mind.
“Yeah, I do.” He wrinkled his brow. “Max, I have to ask, why now? After all these years, why are you just tracking me down now?”
Max touched her shirt. Treat.
“You don’t have to tell me,” he added. “It’s none of my business. I was just curious.”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind telling you. I met someone and, well, I’m not the same person I was when I was with you. After I left, I became stronger, self-sufficient.” But remained scared.
“Wait. Do you put out your own trash?” he asked with a teasing smile.
“Yup.” She grinned, remembering how she’d deemed that a boy job.
“Clean the toilets?” he asked with a smirk.
She nodded.
“No way. Wait. Do you ask for help in stores?”
“All the time. Gosh, I’d forgotten how shy I was. What a mess I was back then.” She covered her eyes and shook her head.
“You were adorable, Max. I always knew how strong you were. I never had any doubt about your strength or courage. You were destined to accomplish whatever it was you dreamed of. So, this guy, does he treat you well?”
Max thought of Treat. He’s what I dream of. “We’re not together right now. I…I ended things. It’s a long story, but he stirred things in me that made me want him to take care of me, and I think that scared the shit out of me.” Talking to the old Ryan was easy, comforting even. If only she’d learned years ago what she now saw so clearly. How different would her life have been? And if she hadn’t come to slay her demons…She couldn’t even go there. It was too painful to think of how close she’d come to turning around and going home.
“You do realize that it’s okay to let guys do things for you, right? It doesn’t mean that they’ll hurt you. What I have is pretty rare, Max, and we were right at that age when it shows up. We’re past that now. I don’t think you have to worry about another guy going bat-shit crazy on you out of the blue.” Ryan wasn’t making fun of her. He was being honest. Again.
“Yeah, I see that now. For all these years I thought you hurt me because you resented me because you were the one to give up what you wanted to follow me wherever I got a job. I was sure of it. It’s guided my relationships, or maybe I should say my lack of relationships.”
“Max, I would have followed you anywhere. That’s what relationships are, give and take. Compromises are essential.” Ryan watched a petite redhead heading their way, and when she arrived at their table, he reached out to her. “Rachelle, this is Max.” A warmth connected their gaze, and Max knew that Ryan cared for her.
Max smiled at the pretty woman. “Hi.”
Rachelle put her hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “Max, I’m so glad that you finally reached out to Ryan. He’s told me a lot about you. I know how much you meant to him. He’s worried about you for years.”
He talked about me? “Oh, well.” Max didn’t know what to say. “I guess I’ve worried about me, too.” Honesty won again.
“Rachelle and I met when I was in the inpatient facility. She was a nurse’s aide then. She’s an RN now, and she works at the hospital in town.” He smiled up at her with pride.
The love in Ryan’s eyes for Rachelle made Max think of Treat and the way he looked at her, touched her, and so wonderfully completed her. I need to find Treat.
Chapter Thirty-Four
BY DINNERTIME TREAT was exhausted. His father was feeling infinitely better and practically needed to be tied to his chair to follow Ben’s order to rest. Every time his siblings turned around, their father was trying to get outside to the barn. Josh finally lured him inside by offering to watch a rodeo with him, and Treat sat on the front porch, watching Rex park the tractor in the barn.
They’d worked from sunup to sundown, and they still had evening chores to take care of. He had to give Rex credit. Rex was still running on full steam while Treat was sucking down coffee just to get a second wind.
The screen door opened behind him. “You still alive out here?” Savannah sat beside him on the top step.
“Barely. I had forgotten how labor intensive it was to run the ranch. I don’t know how he does it.”
“Yeah, he’s pretty tough. So are you, you know. Everyone is tough in different ways.”
“I guess.” Treat looked at Savannah. The spark in her hazel eyes had dulled. He’d assumed it was from his father’s health issues, but he remembered what his father had barked at him in the hospital. “Everything okay with you? What was Dad talking about with Connor? Do I need to pummel him for you? Because I’m wondering if Rex might be a better person for that job.”