Lovers at Heart(25)

She wrapped her arm around his belly and snuggled in closer. So much emotion welled within him that he had to close his eyes, swallowing past the love in his heart, to gain the courage to continue.

“Then, when I saw you on the street, I knew in that moment that I couldn’t do it.”

“Treat,” she whispered.

“Yes?”

“I followed you. Doesn’t that tell you something? I didn’t know you’d be here, but you said it was your favorite place on earth, and I hoped against everything in my world that you’d be here. I couldn’t walk away either.”

She looked up at him, her green eyes glistening in the candlelight. Treat felt the thrum of desire building again.

“I believe you.” She ran her finger across the waistband of his skivvies. “I heard what you said to the blonde,” she repeated. “I heard what you said to me, the night we had dinner, and I read your notes a hundred times.” She leaned up and touched his cheek, sending a shiver through him. “I know that night at my apartment, before we…when we were in the living room…I know you wanted to tell me you were sorry then. I saw it in your eyes. But I wasn’t ready to hear it.” She laid her head back on his chest and sighed.

He pulled her closer. She knows. The tension in his chest lessened a little.

“There’s something I haven’t told you.”

“Shh, you don’t have to.” He stroked her hair.

“No, I want to be completely honest with you. There’s something about me that you need to know.” She leaned on her elbow and looked at him.

“Whatever it is, please, share it only if you feel like you really want to. I’m not a possessive person by nature. What came over me at Nassau was new to me. I did it out of fear, sweetness, so please, you don’t need—”

She put her finger over his lips. “Shh. I’m telling you because I think we both know that whatever this is between us is bigger than both of us have ever experienced before, and you need to know why it’s just as hard for me as it is for you. I should have told you that night when you told me about your mom, but I couldn’t. I was too afraid to open up and let you in.”

Treat sat up against the headboard, taking in how cute she looked, dwarfed by his T-shirt, and the stark contrast to the serious look on her face. “Okay. I’m listening.”

She took his hand, and a sinking feeling settled into his stomach.

“Before I tell you, what exactly am I wearing? What does PASG stand for?” She pulled the bottom of the T-shirt away from her body and looked down at it. “Is that some strange sexual reference?”

He knew she was stalling, grasping for levity instead of revealing whatever it was she felt she had to say. Treat wanted her to be comfortable, and as he watched her lips trying to form a smile and her eyes trying to climb out from the shadow of whatever was haunting her, he soaked in her effort. With each passing moment, each minuscule change in her eyes or her facial expressions, he learned more about her. Treat knew he’d make every effort to remember it all, so if there was a next time that she had something so troubling to deal with, he’d know how to comfort her.

He smiled. “No. Provincetown AIDS Support Group. It’s a local group that I support.”

“Oh, that’s really nice. As long as you’re not making me look silly.”

“You could never look silly. Please, tell me what you wanted to tell me. I want to know.”

Her eyes darkened again, and he squeezed her hand. “When I was a senior in college, I dated this guy. He was handsome and smart and funny, the kind of guy that everyone loved. Things were fine for a long time, but as we got closer to graduation, we moved in together, and over the next few months, he changed. I’ve never understood what caused him to change, but he did. He became verbally abusive, withdrawn.”

Treat’s protective juices were flowing, and he did his best to rein them in. “Go on,” he said. If he hurt you, I’ll kill him.

“It became, I don’t know, a way of life, I suppose. He called me names and told me I was worthless, and in all honesty, I was weak.” She searched his eyes. “You look like you’re ready to explode. Maybe I shouldn’t say anything else.”

“No. Continue, please.” The thought of someone being verbally abusive to Max pushed every button in his body. The anger coursing through him was stronger than any fury he’d ever felt.

“Anyway, as I said, I was weak. My parents are great—they really are—but Mom and I have never really talked about relationships.” Max shook her head. “Before my grandmother died, she told me that the secret to a lasting relationship was to always speak your mind. But my mother had already convinced me that was the wrong road to take and that I shouldn’t complain or try to change things.” She furrowed her brow. “I think my grandmother told me that because of how my mom’s relationship was. She was so submissive. Not that my father was ever abusive, but Mom never really spoke her mind.” Max sighed. “It’s no wonder that Mom and I never talked about relationships.”

Treat put his arm around her waist and slid her protectively against him.

“Anyway, he’d grabbed my arm and—Treat, you’re trembling.”

He unclenched his jaw just long enough to say, “I don’t want to scare you, but I’d like to kill this asshole.”

“There’s more, but I’ll stop—”

“I’m not an evil person. I’m not going to track him down like an animal and hurt him, Max.” Though I want nothing more. “But I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t mad enough to want to do those things, and I promised myself I’d always be honest with you.” An intense heat of worry soared through Treat. He took a deep breath, trying to understand the reaction that bore a hole in his gut. It could only be driven by his love for Max.

She touched his chest, and that simple skin-to-skin contact brought his anger down a notch. She’s here. She’s safe.

“That was the only time he’d ever grabbed me, and I lost it. After he went to bed, I was still crying. That night, my mom happened to call, and I didn’t even have to say anything. I couldn’t say anything. That was the one and only time she ever said anything to me about a specific relationship. She said one thing to me, and that one thing changed everything in my life. She said, ‘Get out.’”

“So you left?”

“I did. I packed my car and drove all the way to Colorado and I never looked back. But the thing you need to know is what that did to me. In college, I wasn’t the woman who worked for Chaz and could run a festival of over thirty thousand with her eyes closed. I was weak, submissive. I guess I’d patterned myself after my mother without even realizing it, but then, after he grabbed me and I found the courage to leave, I knew I could never be that woman again. I read everything I could about relationships, and I built walls around my heart. Big, giant, thick, impenetrable walls.”

“Oh, Max. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’ve grown up, and I am strong and self-sufficient and all the things I strived to be. But after dealing with Scarlet over the phone for all those months, and wondering about you—fantasizing about you—when I finally met you, a part of me let down those defenses. I became a bumbling idiot. I couldn’t talk or think, and I was thrown right back into that bedroom again.”

“You’re none of those things. You’re the strongest woman I know, besides Savannah, but she’s a whole other story. She was softer before our mom died, too.”

Max put her hand on her heart. “I can’t imagine what your family has been through. But for me, the feelings that came rumbling back scared me. A lot. I felt myself falling back into that role of a submissive girl again, and I wanted to run, but my legs wouldn’t obey my mind. I suddenly felt that softer side of me reemerging, the side that screamed for me to pull down the defenses that I’d worked so hard to create. I wanted you to take care of me—and that, more than anything, scared the daylights out of me. I didn’t want to be hurt again. I mean, how can you possibly know you want a man to take care of you in that way after one kiss on the hand?

“My heart was controlling everything in me, and my heart wanted you. It was you I was looking for that afternoon when I met Justin. I didn’t sleep with him. We shared one good-night kiss, but I never slept with him or even let him touch me. He was a filler, Treat. He filled the gap that you created.”

Treat pulled her to him and held her tight. He was relieved that she hadn’t slept with Justin. Even the thought of their bodies tangled together made him sick. But he was more relieved by what she’d just said. He filled the gap that you created.

Max pulled away. “I want to finish telling you before I lose my courage.” She took a deep breath. “This is the hardest part to explain. When you looked at me the way you did, it was just one look, and I know that it’s been blown way out of proportion.”

“No. I never should have done it.”

“Agreed.” She smiled. “But it was just a look between two strangers. We weren’t lovers or really even friends at that point. I mean, we’d spoken on the phone once or twice, but really I was dealing so much with Scarlet that you were just this elusive name and image in my mind. And I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t fantasized about what you’d look like and how I’d feel when I finally met the intelligent, generous man behind the deep voice, but we had only just met. So I did blow it out of proportion. When you gave me that dirty stare, I was afraid that if I went out with you, I’d be in the same trap as I was in college, and I can never go back there again.”